Rekindling Romance For Dummies

Sabine Walter, Pierre A. Lehu

• Publisher: For Dummies
• Year: 2011
• Print ISBN: 9780764553035
• eBook ISBN: 9781118069394
• Edition: 1

"Her energy level is higher than a charged particle."
— People

"Her manner is down-to-earth and reassuring.... She tries to make people feel better, value themselves, trust their instincts."
— Ladies' Home Journal

In today's world of instant gratification people have lost the knack for keeping romance alive. Rather than take the time to rekindle the flame that once burned so brightly, we let the fire die out, thinking we'll find something more lasting with someone else. Often, the result is that we find ourselves repeating the same pattern over and over again or giving up on romance altogether. But true romance never really dies it only goes into hibernation, waiting for somebody to wake it up.

Are you bored with your relationship? Does your love life seem routine? Don't throw in the towel! Let "Americas star sexologist" ( TV Guide ), Dr. Ruth Westheimer shows you how to inspire a romantic Renaissance in your relationship. With the help of self-exams and easy exercises, she shows you how to:

• Rate the romance in your relationship
• Renew respect and commitment
• Spice up your sex life
• Find time for Romance in everyday situations
• Plan a romantic getaway

Full of straight-talk about real-life relationship issues and peppered with helpful and inspiring anecdotes from her years couples counseling, Rekindling Romance For Dummies helps you:

• Find the sources of stress in your relationship and address them constructively
• Discover the importance of communication in overcoming potential sore spots
• Understand the roles that conflict and mutual respect play in a successful relationship
• Use proven techniques for strengthening your relationship, including renewal ceremonies, romantic escapes, and more
• Overcome boredom and insecurity in the bedroom and supercharge your sex-life together, well into your golden years
• Work through common stresses that can afflict romance, including financial conflict, pregnancy, and childrearing
• Recognize how common medical problems can impact the state of your relationship and know when to seek professional help

Don't let a good thing fade away. Let Dr. Ruth show you how to "embrace the art of romance" and keep the fire burning in your relationship.

Part I

How to Win Your Mate All Over Again

In this part . . .

**IN a DROPCAP**

Before you can start repairing some of the cracks in your romance, you have to understand the tools required for the job. One of the most essential tools is honesty, which allows you to evaluate your relationship fairly. Another is communication, both through the things you say and the things you do. A third is, believe it or not, conflict — a necessary part of every relationship, but one that often is allowed to overwhelm romance. And a fourth is respect, without which a couple can never experience the thrill of romance.

This part helps you understand the necessity of each of these tools and the ways they can be applied to the task of rebuilding your romance. Chapter 1 asks you to take an honest look at the state of your relationship, including improvements you can make in relating to your partner. Chapter 2 tackles the all-important subject of communication, from finding topics to talk about to setting aside the time to discuss them. In Chapter 3, you discover why you cannot — and should not — eliminate all conflict from your relationship, as well as how to prevent conflicts from turning too ugly too often. And Chapter 4 offers suggestions for improving the respect you show for yourself as well as for your partner, so you both can feel bolstered by your relationship.

Chapter 1

How Does Your Relationship Rate? A Self-Assessment

In This Chapter

Avoiding comparisons

Keeping a realistic perspective

Recording your relationship complaints

Overcoming romantic inertia

A sking yourself the question “How does my relationship rate?” is important, but be advised that assessing your relationship is a little like opening Pandora’s box. Perhaps you’ve previously taken one of those tests that women’s magazines are fond of touting on their covers. Maybe you thought nothing of the results — it’s all innocent fun, right? Wrong. These types of personal tests ask you to question the status quo, and any time you do that, you can feel like you’re on shaky ground.

I’m not saying that you shouldn’t take a closer look at your relationship. The fact that you’re reading this book tells me that you’ve probably already asked yourself whether some sprucing up is in order. But once you start asking questions, there’s no telling where the answers will lead. You may even decide that the state of your relationship is so bad that you need to put it out to pasture. Ideally, things have not gone that sour, so you still have the opportunity to make significant improvements. To do that, you need to find answers to your questions. Luckily for you, you’re not just filling out a magazine questionnaire that leaves you hanging; you get the support of an entire book that deals with such issues.

Is Assessment Worth the Risk?

With all the dangers inherent in relationship tests, you may wonder why I’m asking you to rate your relationship. The need to assess what is going on in your life is critical. When people come to my office for counseling, the first thing I do is have them take a sexual status exam. I ask them all sorts of very personal questions about their sex lives, because if I don’t know what the problem is, I can’t help them solve it.

The same principle applies to your relationship. If you just have a vague sense that your relationship needs some repair work, how can you decide what you need to do? But just because an assessment is a step you should take doesn’t mean that you should do so lightly. There are pitfalls, but now that you know what they are, I trust that we can proceed — with caution.

Steering Clear of Comparisons

Part of the danger posed by magazine pop quizzes arises when you assess your answers. The editors give you some sort of scoring system to rate your answers, and after you calculate your score, you naturally start comparing the state of your relationship to the standards set by the editors. Remember that old saying “the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence”? That deep green hue you admire when peeking through a knothole is (more often than not) an illusion.

Coveting your neighbor’s relationship

When it comes to relationships, people know that they are being watched, so they put on a show. If you think about it, you’ve probably done the same thing. For example, say you were arguing with your spouse in the car. When you got home, you would stop until you were in the house and the door was closed, right? Your neighbors may think that they know what the two of you are like, but you hide certain details from public view.

But what if the couple next door always keeps the windows wide open so that their life is an open book (perhaps The Joy of Sex)? The shade of their grass isn’t important; it doesn’t get rid of the weeds in your own lawn. Let me give you a concrete example. Suppose that you’ve never heard the couple next door fight. You may think that this means their relationship is in great shape. But perhaps instead of yelling and screaming at each other when they’re angry, these two people give each other the silent treatment. Comparing how many fight nights you have to the seemingly harmonious aura of their home could lead you astray.

Even if it’s true that your neighbors never fight and you occasionally do, how does that change your situation? It doesn’t. Nor should it make you feel better if the couple on the other side of your house has nightly brawls. The relationship between the two of you matters; nobody else’s scorecard counts.

Real life versus the media

When it comes to making comparisons, another pitfall is to compare yourself to the families that inhabit your TV set and cinema multiplexes. Placing your life next to a fictional creation can only cause problems. When you see an action hero dive through a plate glass window, does it make you want to embark on a similar shattering experience? In that case, you know “it only happens in the movies.” So why is it that when you see two people making love on screen, you begin to wonder why the activity in your bedroom doesn’t duplicate what you’re watching? After all, those love scenes are just as fictional as the action scenes in Die Hard or the aliens in Star Wars.

Of course, having sex is a bit more commonplace than hurling yourself through a window. In fact, there are probably a million or so people engaging in this pleasurable pursuit somewhere in the world as you read this page. But that doesn’t mean that what you see on screen reflects reality. Directors have to hold your interest, and to do so they resort to all sorts of tricks. For example, that famous actress starring in the movie may not be the person between the sheets in the love scene; a body double may be taking her place. Directors also have to condense time so a plot that spans days or weeks can fit within a couple of screen hours. That’s why within seconds of falling down on the bed, the screen couple is moaning and groaning without any thought of foreplay. In real life, when you and your partner lie down together, you may not have finished your discussion of who left the hall closet light on for a whole week, and you won’t get down to business for a few more minutes.

One category of films that can be especially dangerous is erotic videos. I’m not against watching them, but I do wish that they would cast people who resemble the general population a bit more. Young men see these films and worry about the size of their organs. And women worry about the size of their breasts and their thighs. Both sexes wonder why their bedroom activities don’t resemble the steamy scenes depicted in between those short spurts of terrible dialogue. But remember, these actors aren’t making love; they’re working. They’re under hot lights with a team of people looking on, and they have to perform whether they like it or not. Don’t compare yourself to the people in these f...

Table of contents

• Title
• Contents
• Introduction
• Part I : How to Win Your Mate All Over Again
• Chapter 1: How Does Your Relationship Rate? A Self-Assessment
• Chapter 2: Say It and Show It: Improving Communication
• Chapter 3: Conquering Conflict
• Chapter 4: Renewing Respect
• Part II : Inspiring a Romantic Revival
• Chapter 5: The Art of Romance: Keeping Love Fresh
• Chapter 6: Taking Commitment to a Higher Level
• Chapter 7: Renewing Your Marriage Vows
• Chapter 8: Getting Away from It All: Romantic Getaways
• Part III : Heating Up Your Sex Life
• Chapter 9: Rethinking Your Approach to Sex
• Chapter 10: Feeling Attractive: Be Sexy, You’re Worth It
• Chapter 11: Let’s Get Physical: Exercises to Improve Your Sex Life
• Chapter 12: Great Sex in Your Senior Years
• Part IV : Romancing Real Life
• Chapter 13: Finding the Romance in Pregnancy
• Chapter 14: Managing Romance with Parenthood: From Infants to Teens
• Chapter 15: Heating Up the Empty Nest
• Chapter 16: Working Too Hard for Romance?
• Chapter 17: Romancing Financial Difficulties
• Chapter 18: Rescuing Romance from Life’s Hardships
• Part V : Troubleshooting Your Love Life
• Chapter 19: Navigating Common Traps and Pitfalls: TV to the Internet
• Chapter 20: When the Two of You Can’t Make It Alone: Going for Therapy
• Chapter 21: Medical Matters: When You May Need to See a Doctor
• Part VI : The Part of Tens
• Chapter 22: Ten Romantic Getaways Sure to Create a Spark
• Chapter 23: Ten Great Ways to Date Your Mate
• Chapter 24: Ten New Twists on Your Everyday Sex Life
• Chapter 25: Ten Romantic Web Sites