Five @ Fifty

Brad Fraser

• Publisher: Playwrights Canada Press
• Year: 2012
• Print ISBN: 9780887547867
• eBook ISBN: 9781770910898
• Topic: Literature
• Subtopic: Canadian Drama
• Index: Literature

When Olivia loses control at her fiftieth birthday party, her four best friends decide to intervene once and for all, much to the irritation of Olivia and her lover, Norma. But is she the only one battling a demon? Or do each of these women face an addiction of one kind or another? Five @ Fifty is a raw and darkly comedic portrayal of turning fifty in contemporary society, and of the friendships we can't live without.

ACT ONE

A doorbell rings. Lights rise on NORMA and OLIVIA’s living room, decorated for a party.

NORMA: Come in.

TRICIA enters with wine.

TRICIA: Hey.

NORMA: Tissue.

They kiss and hug.

How are you?

TRICIA: Good.

NORMA: You look great. Is that?

TRICIA: Wine. Both colours. As requested.

NORMA: Great. Drink?

TRICIA: I’d blow a monkey for a bourbon.

NORMA: Where did you learn those manners?

TRICIA: Our Lady of Perpetual Sexual Abuse Roman Catholic Elementary School—something’s different.

NORMA: I’ve gained ten pounds.

TRICIA: Oh.

NORMA: I was hoping it was water retention but it’s actually just fat thanx for asking.

TRICIA: You should start cooking with a healthy butter alternative.

NORMA: As if.

TRICIA: You know better than butter.

NORMA: Your drink.

TRICIA: Am I early?

NORMA: Always are.

TRICIA: What can I do?

NORMA gives her a hand pump.

NORMA: Tie some balloons while I finish arranging fruit no one will touch.

TRICIA: How are things at the office?

NORMA: Horrifying. This weird viral outbreak has every kid with a cough in the office. And their poor mothers. I don’t know how those women cope.

TRICIA: And your own doctor thing?

NORMA: Fine.

TRICIA: What did he say about your blood pressure?

NORMA: High. We might do some drugs to bring it down.

TRICIA: And the sleep thing?

NORMA: Stress. Apnea. I have to go for a sleep test.

TRICIA: I did one of those. It’s a nightmare. They stick wires all over your body and your head and then expect you to just go to sleep without sex or drugs or alcohol or anything. How many balloons?

NORMA: Lots. And tie them in pretty bouquets.

TRICIA: Have you told Olivia about it?

NORMA: If it’s a problem I’ll let her know.

TRICIA: If it’s a problem you let me know.

NORMA: Of course. And your leg slash back thing?

TRICIA: Tests and more tests. A touch of arthritis seems likely.

NORMA: Let’s hope so.

TRICIA: What else would it be?

NORMA: A blockage or growth.

TRICIA: Very reassuring thanx.

NORMA: Just a possibility. No need to panic.

The doorbell rings.

It’s open.

LORENE enters with a gift.

Early.

LORENE: My last showing was just a couple blocks away.

NORMA and LORENE kiss. LORENE hands her the gift.

NORMA: Fern’s already getting one. We decided.

LORENE: I know but I couldn’t just. It’s a special day. Hey Tricia.

They kiss.

TRICIA: I wish you wouldn’t do that when we plan a group gift. It makes the rest of us look bad.

LORENE: I know but.

NORMA: You’re looking good.

LORENE: Really?

NORMA: That’s a new dress.

LORENE: It is.

TRICIA: Very fetching. I’m tying balloons into attractive bundles.

LORENE: Can I help?

NORMA: Put your gift on the table and get the cheese plate out of the fridge. Help yourself to a beer while you’re at it.

LORENE: Beer. Yum.

LORENE exits.

TRICIA: So it’s just?

NORMA: The usual suspects yes.

TRICIA: And the birthday babe?

NORMA: Some of those horrible women she works with have taken her for drinks.

TRICIA: I’m so glad Lorene didn’t bring the bottom.

NORMA: His name’s Clifford.

TRICIA: Clifford’s Diana Ross collection makes me very nervous.

NORMA: She swears they have excellent sex.

TRICIA: But what does that mean coming from her?

LORENE enters with the cheese plate and a beer.

LORENE: I thought Olivia’d want some total blowout for the big five-oh. She’s not going to walk in early is she?

TRICIA: She’s at a bar. Please.

NORMA: She didn’t want a fuss.

LORENE: Damn this is a nice cold beer.

NORMA: I’ve always loved the unapologetic way you swill it right from the bottle.

LORENE: You’d almost think I was the lesbian.

NORMA: Almost.

LORENE: You and Olivia are so lucky. I envy lesbians but unfortunately the only thing that can really satisfy me is a very large member.

TRICIA: Is Clifford that blessed?

LORENE: He puts the cock in Caucasian.

NORMA: Nice.

LORENE: Ha. Fourth time lucky. But this is the one. I can feel i...

Table of contents

• Cover
• Five @ Fifty
• Acknowledgements
• About the Author
• Copyright