Matilda Jane
āMATILDA J.ANE, you never look
At any toy or picture-book:
I show you pretty things in vainā
You must be blind, Matilda Jane!
āI ask you riddles, tell you tales,
But all our conversation fails:
You never answer me againā
I fear youāre dumb, Matilda Jane!
āMatilda, darling, when I call,
You never seem to hear at all:
I shout with all my might and mainā
But youāre so deaf, Matilda Jane!
āMatilda Jane, you neednāt mind:
For, though youāre deaf, and dumb, and blind,
Thereās some one loves you, it is plainā
And that is me, Matilda Jane!ā
What Tottles Meant
āONE thousand pounds per annuum
Is not so bad a figure, come!ā
Cried Tottles. āAnd I tell you, flat,
A man may marry well on that!
To say āthe Husband needs the Wifeā
Is not the way to represent it.
The crowning joy of Womanās life
Is Man!ā said Tottles (and he meant it).
The blissful Honeymoon is past:
The Pair have settled down at last:
Mamma-in-law their home will share,
And make their happiness her care.
āYour income is an ample one:
Go it, my children!ā (And they went it).
āI rayther think this kind of fun
Wonāt last!ā said Tottles (and he meant it).
They took a little country-boxāā
A box at Covent Garden also:
They lived a life of double-knocks,
Acquaintances began to call so:
Their London house was much the same
(It took three hundred, clear, to rent it):
āLife is a very jolly game!ā
Cried happy Tottles (and he meant it).
āContented with a frugal lotā
(He always used that phrase at Gunterās),
He bought a handy little yachtā
A dozen serviceable huntersā
The fishing of a Highland Lochā
A sailing-boat to circumvent itā
āThe sounding of that Gaelic āochā
Beats me!ā said Tottles (and he meant it).
But oh, the worst of human ills
(Poor Tottles found) are ālittle billsā!
And, with no balance in the Bank,
What wonder that his spirits sank?
Still, as the money flowed away,
He wondered how on earth she spent it.
āYou cost me twenty pounds a day,
At least!ā cried Tottles (and he meant it).
She sighed. āThose Drawing Rooms, you know!
I really never thought about it:
Mamma declared we ought to goā
We should be Nobodies without it.
That diamond circlet for my browā
I quite believed that she had sent it,
Until the Bill came in just nowāāā
āViper!ā cried Tottles (and he meant it).
Poor Mrs. T. could bear no more,
But fainted flat upon the floor.
Mamma-in-law, with anguish wild,
Seeks, all in vain, to rouse her child.
āQuick! Take this box of smelling-salts!
Donāt scold her, James, or youāll repent it,
Sheās a dear girl, with all her faultsāāā
āShe is!ā groaned Tottles (and he meant it).
āI was a donkey,ā Tottles cried,
āTo choose your daughter for my bride!
āTwas you that bid us cut a dash!
āTis you have brought us to this smash!
You donāt suggest one single thing
That can in any way prevent it-
Then whatās the use of arguing?
Shut up!ā cried Tottles (and he meant it).
āAnd, now the mischiefās done, perhaps
Youāll kindly go and pack your traps?
Since two (your daughter and your son)
Are Company, but three are none.
A course of saving weāll begin:
When change is needed, Iāll invent it:
Donāt think to put your finger in
This pie!ā cried Tottles (and he meant it).
See now this couple settled down
In quiet lodgings, out of town:
Submissively the tearful wife
Accepts a plain and humble life:
Yet begs one boon on bended knee:
āMy ducky-darling, donāt resent it!
Mamma might come for two or threeāāā
āNEVER!ā yelled Tottles. And he meant it.
