What Your Boss Really Wants from You

15 Insights to Improve Your Relationship

Steve Arneson

• Publisher: Berrett-Koehler Publishers
• Year: 2014
• ISBN:
  9781626560796
• Edition: 1
• Topic: Business
• Subtopic: Business Communication
• Index: Business

Take Charge of the Relationship That Matters Most to Your Career

Your most important work relationship is with your boss. You need it to go well. But even the best bosses can be hard to read, and some seem downright inscrutable. Your boss isn't going to change for you—don't waste your time trying. The solution lies in figuring out what makes your boss tick and adapting your own work style to make the relationship better. But how do you do that?

In this pragmatic and accessible guide, top executive coach Steve Arneson shows how to find the answers to fifteen essential questions that will help you understand your boss's leadership style, goals, motivations, work relationships, and how he or she sees you. Vivid real-world examples demonstrate Arneson's advice in action and show clearly how this process can be used to gain a more meaningful, productive, and enjoyable work life.

STEP 1

Study Your Boss

Your boss is the central character in your work life. No matter how long you’ve been working, I bet you can name every boss you ever had—that’s how powerful their imprint is on us. We remember our bosses because they have a significant impact on our overall work experience. I’ve long forgotten most of the details of my first part-time job (which was decades ago) but I’ll never forget Mr. Peterson, my first boss. Mr. Peterson was a taskmaster, but he was fair and supportive if you were willing to work hard. I learned a lot from him, most of which went beyond how to do the job. He taught me the meaning of work ethic, commitment, and accountability.

I imagine you have lots of boss stories, too. I bet you could also tell me how each boss made you feel—whether you enjoyed working for them or couldn’t wait to get away from them. Whether you loved coming to work or dreaded Monday mornings. Bosses are like that, it seems; we either love them or hate them.

How many bosses will you have in your career? Given that the average U.S. job tenure is 4.1 years (according to the Bureau of Labor Statistics) you’re probably going to have at least 15–20 different bosses before you retire. What are the odds that every one of them is going to be a great manager? How many will have your best interests in mind? How many will be focused on your growth and development? How many will be comfortable with you being the star? The fact is you’re almost certain to work for both good and bad bosses in your career … and how you adapt to these different bosses will have everything to do with your job satisfaction.

Best Boss/Worst Boss

One of the exercises I do with corporate leadership audiences involves having them share their “best” and “worst” boss stories. The room is buzzing with energy when they talk about their favorite manager; everyone has a story about their best boss helping to advance their careers. However, the room gets a lot quieter when they tell the worst boss story. In fact, some people would rather not be reminded of this person at all. But here’s what’s fascinating about this exercise… nearly everyone has a story to share about a good and bad boss; they’ve all had both experiences.

The “best boss” story has many common themes—good direction, empowerment, feedback, recognition, a mentoring relationship, and plenty of opportunities to grow and develop. Above all, there is clear line of sight to everything the boss is about; you get where they’re coming from, and know why they do the things they do. Everything is transparent, logical, and understood; simply put, there’s always a solid relationship at the heart of the best boss story. They care about you as an individual, too.

The “worst boss” story is a completely different tale. These stories are filled with poor delegation, lack of empowerment, no recognition or feedback, no coaching or mentoring, and oftentimes, even underhanded behavior. To make matters worse, the worst bosses are hard to read; you never truly know why they do what they do. In fact, when you work for one of these bosses, you feel confused and frustrated a lot of the time; there just isn’t a strong relationship, or even the possibility of building one. Bad bosses tend not to care about you as a person.

Why do some bosses care about you while others don’t? Why are some bosses open and transparent, while others are closed off or malicious? Why are some bosses confident and egoless, while others are insecure? I think it has everything to do with their personal motives. Everything your boss does (or doesn’t do) can be traced back to his beliefs or values—which produce a distinct set of motives. You want to have a better relationship with your boss? It starts with understanding what really drives his behavior.

Understanding Your Boss’s Motives

To paraphrase Leo Tolstoy’s quote about families, all good bosses resemble each other, but each bad boss is different in their own way. Therein lies the essence of this book—if you’re struggling to get along with your boss, you have to figure out his unique motivations. You see, I believe that every behavior can be traced back to a specific motive—that even bad bosses do things for a reason. The problem is the bad boss’s motives are often misguided or self-serving. If he doesn’t let you meet with his boss, for example, there’s a reason for that … and in order to truly understand why, you have to understand his motives.

There is no doubt that our personal motives drive our actions. Some of us are motivated by money, others crave recognition. Some of us just want to do good work; others want to get ahead at all costs. Some of us want to be liked by everyone and others couldn’t care less about making friends at work. Some of us are afraid of making a mistake; others are more comfortable with risk. We’re all motivated by something … and that includes your boss.

I wish I could tell you exactly what your boss wants from you. But I’m not in the relationship—you are. So you have to do the work … you have to study his behaviors to truly understand his motives. The key to working comfortably with your boss is figuring out what drives his thoughts and actions.

Study Your Boss

If your boss is a mystery to you, you need insight. Insight is the understanding of the motivational forces behind one’s actions, thoughts, or behavior. This definition perfectly describes what I’m trying to help people achieve through coaching—a clear picture of what is driving their boss’s behavior. We do this through a process I call “studying your boss.”

I have found that people who struggle with their boss generally haven’t done their homework; they haven’t rigorously studied their manager’s behavior to uncover core motives. They feel the result of the boss’s behavior, but don’t understand what is causing it. They’re frustrated by their interactions with the boss, but they don’t know what to do about it. When I work with people who fit this description, I ask them a series of questions to help them gain the insight needed to adjust the relationship with their boss.

This process of studying your boss involves ten questions. Each question is designed to offer awareness into the boss’s behaviors or mindset. The answers may come from asking the boss directly, talking with peers, or just paying closer attention to your immediate environment. However gained, the insights will give you a much clearer picture of the underlying motives that drive your boss’s actions. At this stage, I just want you to thoughtfully consider and answer these questions as best you can. Try the writing exercises, and reflect on what you’ve learned. Later, in section three, I’ll provide suggestions for adapting to various motives. Here are the questions:

Study Your Boss
Management Style	1. When and how is he most approachable? 2. What is his preferred management style? 3. What behaviors does he reward?
Mission & Priorities	4. What is he trying to accomplish in this role? 5. What is he worried about?
Leadership Brand	6. What is his reputation in the company?
Relationships	7. Whom does he respect? 8. Where does he have influence? 9. What is his relationship like with his boss?
Primary Motivation	10. What is his primary motivation?

As we take a look at each of the questions in depth, write down your thoughts or observations to each question and dig deep for signs or signals that you haven’t noticed before. Ask trusted peers for their opinions, and pay attention to your boss’s moods, body language, words, and actions. By carefully considering each question, you will develop a series of insights that will help explain his behavior.

When and how is he most approachable?

This seems like a simple question, doesn’t it? Yet there is a great deal of insight to be gained by studying when and how to approach your boss. Like all managers, he has a particular style of interacting with his team. Some bosses are informal; you can talk to them anytime, anywhere. Others are more rigid and process oriented. The key is to figure out his preferred interaction style. For instance, can you knock on the door and get a minute of his time? Has he declared his preference about the office popin? If not, ask him directly: Are you open to me coming by your office with a quick question, and if so, when is the best time during the day? If that doesn’t work, ask one of your peers or just pay attention to the pattern of when you’ve been most successful. I once worked for a boss who literally wouldn’t allow the “do you have a minute” request—you had to set up an appointment to ask a simple question. Believe me, I wasted a lot of time and energy before I figured this out, and was getting worried that he didn’t like me. But it really had nothing to do with me. It turned out he preferred to read and prepare for any discussion and didn’t feel equipped to make decisions in informal conversations (this single insight explained a lot about this boss, by the way).

In today’s world, understanding his approachability means knowing when to call, text, or instant message, too. The same principles apply—when is he most approachable, and what are his preferences? Some bosses prefer e-mail over phone calls; others want to talk directly if possible. Some bosses text; others won’t. Some bosses are accessible when they are out of the office and others aren’t. You get the idea. It’s about knowing when and how. But it’s also about knowing why.

Understanding why is what helps you make sense of his behavior. I recently coached Tanya, who was experiencing a huge disconnect with her boss. She kept trying to call him directly, and the boss always refused to take her call; the boss’s assistant would just say, “Send him an e-mail.” And of course, whenever Tanya did that, she received a prompt, thoughtful reply. Strange, I know. Wouldn’t it be quicker to just talk on the phone? Of course, the boss never explained his motive, which drove Tanya crazy; she was convinced the boss thought she was a poor performer. Now, as it happens, in my feedback process, I learned the boss wanted a written record of every interaction. He didn’t like the phone for even the shortest conversations because it didn’t allow for a trail of detail or evidence. Was the boss anti-social? Almost certainly. But the real motive behind his interaction style had nothing to do with that; rather, it was based in a more practical (some would say paranoid) reason. This is a perfect example of the value of digging deep to gain an understanding of the core motives behind your boss’s behavior. The “why” isn’t always what it seems to be, and much of the time, it isn’t about you at all.

The second thing you need to study is his mood pattern. What puts him in a good mood, or conversely, a bad frame of mind? What day of the week is he most approachable? When should you leave him alone? Is he stressed right before a meeting with his boss? Do certain events or deadlines impact his approachability? Try this exercise: For a month, make a daily diary of his moods. Name the mood (angry, happy, sad, etc.) and note how approachable he was each day. Then, study the diary to learn your boss’s patterns and work around them to your advantage.

Third, how much can you challenge your boss in group settings? What style of interaction works best? Is he open to rigorous debate? Most managers hold staff meetings with their direct reports, and there are unwritten rules about challenging the boss’s ideas, how long to debate an issue in front of the team, etc. Do you know where this line is with your boss? Have you ever crossed it?

A lot of bosses are resistant to anyone disagreeing with them in public, and it can take a while to learn that. One of my clients, Craig, was getting frustrated with his boss’s staff meetings because no one would challenge the boss’s ideas. As Craig tried repeatedly to push back on his boss (with respect), he made things worse for himself because the boss didn’t tolerate or appreciate this interaction style. Craig learned to discuss these issues outside of the meeting format, but it took some reflection about the boss’s motives to recognize and make this shift in his approach. The trick is to pay attention to the small signs if you find yourself in a non-productive public conversation with your boss. How is he reacting to you? Study his body language and tone of voice. If you’re pushing his buttons, find a gracious exit to the discussion.

Finally, you have to know what subjects are either allowed or out-of-bounds for your boss. What are the topics or questions you can raise, and what are the sacred cows? Where can you probe, and what should you leave alone? There are some issues you shouldn’t approach him about; and if you do, he won’t talk about them anyway. For years, I tried to get a boss to talk about his life outside of work. He wouldn’t do it. I’m an open person, so I thought that was odd—why wouldn’t he share what he did on the weekend? It was really bugging me. He would talk about sports and current events, but not about his hobbies or family. Finally, I realized I wasn’t going to break through that wall between work and home, and stopped asking him. I accepted that I wasn’t going to change him. If he wanted to keep certain things private, that was his choice; he didn’t have to be just like me. And you know what? Once I stopped worrying about it, our relationship improved.

The bottom line is that you need to be thoughtful about approaching your boss. He wants you to fit his interaction practices, not create new ones. Every time you push him out of his comfort zone, you risk annoying him. How many minor irritations are you willing to add to your ledger? The easier path is to adapt to his style by learning exactly when and how he is most approachable. Then, work out the rationale for his preferences so you understand where he’s coming from; t...