Overcoming Toxic Parenting

How to Be a Good Parent When Yours Wasn't

Rick Johnson

• Publisher: Revell
• Year: 2016
• ISBN:
  9781493405251
• Topic: Theology & Religion
• Subtopic: Sexuality & Gender in Religion

Advice for Parents on How to Break the Cycle of Neglect, Abuse, or Absentee ParentingParenting is hard enough when you had good role models in your own parents. But what if your parents were absent, neglectful, or abusive? Are you doomed to repeat their mistakes with your own children? As a parenting expert and someone who experienced negative parenting, Rick Johnson answers that question with an emphatic No!Anyone can be a good parent, even if they didn't have one. Johnson shows anxious readers how to identify the ways in which their past experiences affect their own parenting choices. Then he walks them through the process of healing the emotional and spiritual wounds toxic parenting has left behind. Finally, he outlines healthy habits and practices to take the place of the negative ones that may have been modeled for them.Any parent who worries about whether they can break the cycle of abuse, neglect, or absenteeism will find in Rick a sympathetic companion on the road to creating a positive family environment now and for the future.

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When Parents Fail

Violent homes have the same effect on children’s brains as combat on soldiers.

—Daniel Amen, MD

A significant number of people in our country are suffering the effects of being raised by emotionally destructive people. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention and Kaiser Permanente’s Health Appraisal Clinic in San Diego collaborated on a study. They surveyed 17,000 Kaiser members on whether they had experienced any of eight adverse childhood experiences (ACEs). These included:

emotional abuse

physical abuse

sexual abuse

battered mother

parental separation or divorce

substance-abusing mother

mentally ill mother

incarcerated household member

Almost two-thirds of the participants reported at least one ACE, and more than one in five reported three or more.1

Being exposed to these kinds of experiences sets up patterns that influence or even control our daily lives as adults. Those patterns are then modeled for our own children and eventually get passed down to the next generation. Behaviors such as addictions, abusive actions, alcoholism, and abandonment get passed down from one generation to the next, often resulting in ongoing generational cycles. And when we feel bad about ourselves (like wounded people do), we tend to take it out on other people (like our spouse and children), usually those who cannot defend themselves.

Of course, not everyone who comes from an abusive home abuses their children. Some people are successful at breaking those cycles. We have a tendency to believe that all abusers were abused themselves. That’s not entirely true. Only about 40 percent of parents who suffered from abuse go on to abuse their own children.2 Yet, any number of abused children is too many.

Parents play a huge role in a child’s feelings about themselves—for good or bad. Susan Forward, PhD, in her book Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy, says, “Our parents plant mental and emotional seeds in us—seeds that grow as we do. In some families, these are seeds of love, respect, and independence. But in many others, they are seeds of fear, obligation, or guilt.”3

If you are reading this book, you or someone you love may have been abused or raised in an abusive environment. Let’s take a moment to learn about what abuse is, what it looks like, and how it affects us as adults and parents. Then once we’ve educated ourselves on what we are up against, we can move forward to the good news—change is possible!

Let’s begin by looking at how an abusive family functions.

The Family System of Abuse

Our family constitutes our entire reality as a child. It teaches us who we are and how we are supposed to interact with the world. Good families give us the skills and encouragement to interact successfully with the world and other people. They teach us to lead a successful life. Toxic families teach us survival skills that may or may not translate into leading a successful life. Because of this, many abused people make self-defeating choices like believing they can’t trust anybody, that they aren’t worthy of being loved, or that they will never amount to anything. They are programmed to conform to the dysfunctional behaviors of the family. People from abusive families are taught that to be different is bad—they must conform and obey the rules of the family at all costs. To be different is to be a traitor—and being a traitor or turning on the family is high treason in abusive families.

Many families take on role-playing to perpetuate the family system. For instance, if Dad’s role was to drink, Mom’s role was to be codependent, and the children’s roles were then to be the parents in the home. Children from dysfunctional homes often take on specific roles in the family.

Here are some common roles (my three siblings and I fit into these roles pretty clearly):4

The Rebel gets into trouble and is known as the “bad boy” or “bad girl.” Their behavior often warrants attention, distracting everyone from the real issues at home. They are also known as the “scapegoat.” They are ashamed of their family life and often the first to get into “recovery.”

The Mascot/Clown uses comedy to ease tension and calm explosive situations. The humor helps a family in pain but is a temporary balm. This child is kind and good-hearted but never seems to grow up.

The Good Girl (or Boy) or Golden Child is dutiful and respectable. They get good grades, don’t make waves, and are often a confidant of a parent. They are fixers of the family but never get their needs met. They can be rigid, judgmental, and controlling. They are very self-sufficient and usually very successful in life but lack emotional intimacy.

The Lost Child becomes invisible. They stay out of the house by escaping into activities, friendships, or sports. They escape from reality but are generally very sad and angry, which they deny and avoid.

Parents are godlike in their positions in the home. They provide sustenance and shelter, make rules, and dole out pain, whether it’s justified or not. Without parents, children instinctively know they would be unprotected, unfed, and unhoused. They would be in a constant state of terror, unable to survive alone.5

Abusive homes tend to have common characteristics, including the appearance of normalcy, emotional isolation, secrecy, neediness, stress, and lack of respect.

All children have certain rights. They have the right to have basic needs met, such as being fed, clothed, sheltered, and protected. They also have the right to be nurtured emotionally, the right to make mistakes, and the right to be disciplined without being physically or emotionally abused. Unfortunately, these rights are seldom honored in abusive homes.

How Toxic Parents Cope

Toxic parents react to threats to their balance by acting out their fears and frustrations, with little thought for the consequences to their children. Here are some common coping mechanisms:

• Denial—Denial that anything is wrong or that it will ever happen again. Relabeling is also denial—an alcoholic becomes a “social drinker.”
• Projection—Abusive parents frequently accuse their children of the very inadequacies they suffer from.
• Sabotage—In dysfunctional homes, other family members assume the roles of rescuers and caretakers. If any family member begins to change or get healthy, it threatens the balance of the home, and the other members may unconsciously sabotage their chances of success so that things get back to normal.
• Triangling—One toxic parent may enlist a child as a confidant or ally against the other parent. The child is pressured to choose sides and becomes an emotional dumping ground for their parent’s discomfort.
• Keeping Secrets—This turns families into private clubs. Children who hide abuse by saying she “fell down the stairs” are protecting the club from outside interference.6

However, most people (especially abused ones who crave parental nurturing) still have a need to deify their parents—no matter how bad they were. Many victimized people still believe their parents’ behavior was justified: “I guess I probably deserved it” or “Sure I was beaten, but I turned out okay.” Abusive parents have a propensity to deny that any abuse happened or they justify it. Just because inadequate parents “didn’t mean it” doesn’t mean it didn’t hurt and cause harm. Intentionality is not a prerequisite of abuse. We hear people excuse these parents by saying things like “they didn’t mean to do any harm” or “they did the best they could.” Too often inadequate parents expect their children to somehow take care of them and meet their needs—tasks children are not capable of fulfilling. I truly didn’t believe that many of the behaviors my parents exhibited were abusive until enough counselors and friends pointed it out or asked if I would ever treat my children that way.

Since many of us either deny we were abused or justify our parents’ behavior, let’s look at some specific types of abuse. It’s hard to break a behavior (and heal a wound) if we are not aware of it or refuse to acknowledge it.

Abandonment

Not receiving the necessary psychological or physical protection a child deserves equates to abandonment. Being abandoned tells a child, “You are not important—you are not of value.” Abandoned children then develop a deep sense of toxic shame. They grow up to believe that the world is unsafe, people cannot be trusted, and they do not deserve love and care. Abandoned children often believe that they cannot live up to their parents’ expectations (which are often unrealistic), that they are held responsible for other people’s behavior, and that their parents’ disapproval is of the child’s personhood rather than their actions. Common beliefs include:

• It’s not okay to make a mistake.
• It’s not okay to show your feelings.
• It’s not okay to have needs—everyone else’s needs are more important.
• It’s not okay to have successes—accomplishments are not acknowledged or are discounted.7

My wife, Suzanne, was abandoned by both her father (whom she only met briefly twice) and by her mother, who quit parenting her at ten years old (Suzanne subsequently left home at age thirteen). Hence she had great abandonment issues when we got married. She didn’t trust that I wouldn’t abandon her, and she jealously guarded her heart. Being abandoned again was her greatest fear. She even had a tendency to try to push me to the point where I would leave (probably an unconscious attempt to test my level of commitment). It has taken the better part of three decades of modeling commitment on my part for her to start trusting that I will not abandon her. My level of commitment has at best healed and at worst scarred over the jagged wound of abandonment in her heart.

Our ministry works with hundreds of boys and girls (and adults) who have been abandoned by their fathers. To a person, they struggle with issues like self-esteem, self-confidence, risk taking, trying new things, fear of failure, and developing intimate relationships.

These problems manifest themselves in several ways. Many girls, who so ache for a father’s love, willingly accede to the sexual advances of the predatory (and equally fatherless) boys who eagerly take their love before tossing them aside like used tissues. One of the effects of being fatherless is boys trying to feel like men or cross the threshold of manhood through sexual conquest of girls. The effects of fatherlessness on girls is just as damaging, resulting in the longing and desperate search for affection through sexual encounters with boys. What a damaging collision of the effects of fatherlessness.

One woman said this about her childhood: “I think the biggest wound is abandonment from a father. Mine left when I was fourteen. This was especially devastating because our home was really a ‘happy one.’ We all got along, and there were no signs of problems. But then, midlife crisis hit my father. And he was gone. Everything fell apart.”

For this woman, abandonment has plagued her entire life: “Abandonment has been the greatest issue for me. Divorce and abuse plagued my life. Believing I am worthy and capable of a peaceful life has been a challenge. My core unhealthy belief I came to believe from my brokenness . . . I will never measure up to others’ expectations, therefore I’m not worthy of love.”

We even see children adopted into loving homes who still struggle with abandonment issues well into adulthood. Kids who are abandoned develop attachment disorders and fear close relationships. Sometimes even with God. If an earthly father (or mother) does not love you enough to stay, how devastating would it be for a heavenly Father to abandon you as well?

Emotional or Psychological Abuse

Emotional abuse impairs a child’s emotional development and sense of self-worth. This type of behavior might include screaming, name calling, criticism, sarcasm, belittling, humiliating, threats, rejection, or withholding love and support. It is frequently present in combination with other forms of abuse.

Some professionals think that emotional or psychological abuse is even more devastating than physical abuse. This is because the wounds on the outside heal much sooner than the wounds on the inside.

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