Swimming with Sharks

George Huang, Michael Lesslie

• Publisher: Methuen Drama
• Year: 2007
• Print ISBN: 9781408104064
• eBook ISBN: 9781408141427
• Edition: 1
• Topic: Media & Performing Arts
• Subtopic: Drama

From bringing him coffee to getting him laid, it's up to new assistant and aspiring screenwriter Guy to satisfy every whim of the incendiary Buddy Ackerman, powerful movie producer and the boss from hell. Blinded by the promise of a fast track up the Hollywood ladder, Guy is about to find out that moviemaking is not for the faint-hearted. If he's going to rise to the top, then he'll need to play by Buddy's rules. And Buddy plays dirty.
Swimming with Sharks, adapted from the George Huang film by playwright Michael Lesslie, is an incisive look into the cut-throat world of Hollywood. The play had its world premiere at the Vaudeville Theatre, London, on 5 October 2007.

Act One

Scene One

Keystone. The stage comprises the large antechamber of Buddy Ackerman’s office and the office itself.

Facing the main entrance of the antechamber is a meticulous desk bearing a phone and a computer. Opposite the desk is a sleek sofa. A door leads to a kitchenette closet, unseen. The walls of the antechamber seem to be made of scripts and novel manuscripts, bound stacks of white paper differentiated only by the titles printed on their spines in thick black marker pen.

Two huge, clear-glass doors separate Buddy’s office from the antechamber. They read ‘Keystone Pictures’ in plain, bold, frosted lettering and, beneath this in slightly smaller frosted lettering, ‘Buddy Ackerman’.

Buddy’s office can be seen through the clear-glass doors. It is furnished in a minimalist, masculine manner, the decor dominated by an imposing desk and a wheeling desk chair. A phone sits on the desk. A door leads to an executive bathroom, unseen. Shelves of awards run along the wall, glittering in the distance.

Rex sits at the antechamber’s desk in a wheeling desk chair, phone receiver cradled in his neck, writing on a script. He wears a slick shirt.

Rex (into phone) Derek, listen, he may very well be due in a meeting with Stella, but he’s in another meeting right now and can only be with you two steps ahead of humanly possible. (Beat.) The other side of town, not that it’s any of your fuckin’ business. Hold the line. (He hits a button on the phone.) Buddy Ackerman’s office. (Beat.) I’m sorry, he’s out of the country right now, but I’ll be sure to – (Beat.) Minsk. (He hits a button on the phone.) Derek, with you in a minute. (He hits a button on the phone.) Rob? Great, now, you say you want to lower the volume on the sound mix, and I just thought I oughta check, ’cause Buddy got in early this morning and he looks pissed.

Guy enters the antechamber, nervous in his first suit. Rex glances up at him.

Rex (into phone) I’m lookin’ at him right now, Rob. Triple-pissed, red-faced, and breathin’ fire, so I think you oughta be sure that the person askin’ you to face that is worth your nine last lives. Who was it? (Beat.) You can’t say? Hold the line. (He hits a button on the phone.) Derek, that was Buddy, he’s just left the meeting, he’ll be with you quicker than conscious thought, I promise. (Beat.) What do you care who he’s meeting? Last time I checked, Derek, Stella was your concern, Buddy was mine, and I wasn’t in the mood for a goddamn transplant. PS, you know a good dry-cleaner’s? Buddy had the last deported and I need his tux steamed by yesterday. (Beat.) I love you, Derek. Hold the line. (He hits a button on the phone.) Rob, I just told Buddy about the sound mix, it doesn’t look good.

Rex calmly holds the phone receiver away from his mouth.

Guy Hi, I –

Rex FUCK YOU.

Guy Excuse me?

Rex (into phone) Yes, that was him, Rob, and as you can hear, he’s a little put out by the news, so you better tell me who gave the order and I’ll do what I can to smooth it over. (Beat.) Stella? It was Stella? Thank you, Rob. Hold the line. (He bangs a button on the phone.) You cheating piece of shit, Derek, you carried the call on the fuckin’ sound mix? (Beat.) Screw you, my friend, you’re wrong, this is about loyalty, loyalty to what matters most, me, and I’ll ask you to remember that when you’re starin’ up at the skyline of my new office. (Beat.) Mmm-hmm. Gonna miss you too, Derek.

He pushes hold, and then presses and holds the hang-up button on the phone set. The receiver stays cradled in his neck. He swivels in his chair, still holding down the button, and looks at Guy.

Rex Beautiful day.

Guy I’m Guy, I’m –

Rex Yes, you are. How was the flight?

Guy Actually, it –

The phone rings. Before the first ring is completed, Rex lets go of the hang-up button.

Rex (into phone) Buddy Ackerman’s office. (Beat.) Well, hello, Mrs Ackerman, and how are you today? (Beat.) I’m very sorry to hear that, because Buddy’s in a meeting right now. Could you – (Beat.) That’s it, Mrs Ackerman. Holding you now.

Rex pushes hold, and then pushes and holds the hang-up button again.

Guy His wife?

Rex God, no. His mother.

Guy Oh.

Rex Lady wife’s long gone. Other side a’ the fuckin’ world, all we know. Trust me, you don’t wanna join her, don’t mention it.

Guy OK.

Rex To anyone.

Guy OK.

Rex The flight was what?

Guy What? Oh – it was –

Rex What?

Guy Nonexistent, actually. I drove in yesterday, so –

The phone rings. Before the first ring is completed, Rex lets go of the hang-up button.

Rex (into phone) Buddy Ackerman’s off … course I recognize you, Mona baby, angel choirs don’t sing more clear. (Beat.) I know what he said, but Buddy’s a busy man. (Beat.) I’ll tell you what you do. You fix yourself a smile and get your cute little butt over to his place by midnight. (Beat.) All right then. The key’ll be – (Beat.) You got it. Bye, beautiful.

He hangs up the phone receiver.

Guy Busy line.

Rex Lines. Many of them.

Guy OK.

Rex Because Buddy is a busy man.

Guy Yes.

Rex Which means you, my friend, are about to become a very, very busy man. (Beat.) Nice suit.

Guy Thank you. It’s – uh – it’s new.

Rex I don’t know what you’ve heard about this job.

Guy Well, I know it’s the most prestigious –

Rex That is correct.

Guy And it’s the top position I could, well, realistically be hoping for at –

Rex It’s gonna be a lot of work for shit wages. A lot of shit work for shit wages. Picking up dry-cleaning, gassing his car, getting him coffee, getting him lunch, getting him laid. And he can be, well – difficult at times. But such are the demands of greatness. Buddy Ackerman is, after all, the Senior Executive Vice President here at Keystone, Guy, third rung in the whole company. Numero Three.

Guy Equal.

Rex...

Table of contents

• Cover Page
• Title Page
• Contents
• Dedication
• Characters
• Act One
• Act Two
• Imprint