Whatever Happened to the Jaggy Nettles?

Martin Travers

• Publisher: Methuen Drama
• Year: 2020
• Print ISBN: 9781350174412
• eBook ISBN: 9781350174429
• Edition: 1
• Topic: Littérature
• Subtopic: Théâtre

Winner of the Writers' Guild Best Play for Young Audiences Award 2022 We're a punk band. A politically motivated Marxist punk band thit waants tae bring doun the rich by any means necessary! It's 1978. Unemployment and violence darken every Glasgow close; Scotland have been knocked out of the World Cup; Grease is at the top of the charts and seminal Scottish punk band The Jaggy Nettles are imploding. The Jaggy Nettles will be reuniting on stage to perform brand new punk-inspired songs, keeping the spirit of '78 alive. Whatever Happened to the Jaggy Nettles? redefines young punks of the 1970s as naive, asexual, idealistic, poetic, wonderful and doomed. It is a play about empowerment and feeling the future is there to be changed; a story as relevant today as ever. This edition was published to coincide with the February 2020 run at Scottish Youth Theatre.

Prologue

August 1983. Radio Scotland Studio. P.K. Kelly is getting ready to be interviewed live on Radio Scotland late at night. She sniffs constantly through the scene due to her cocaine habit. She has big earphones on and she’s popping chewing gum as she waits to be interviewed. She acts cool and pretentious as she nods along to her new single. She spits the chewing gum into a Radio Scotland mug as her synth-pop song is fading out. P.K. speaks with a cringey half-American/half-Scottish accent throughout the scene. We only hear the D.J.’s voice.

D.J. That was a sneeky-peek of P.K. Kelly’s next single Midnight in Vienna. It’s a belter! I’m delighted to say she’s here with us in the studio tonight. Here to talk about her cracking new album; Cold Fire in the Night. And her upcoming world tour with Eurythmics no less. Hello P.K.

P.K. Hey.

D.J. It’s been a while.

P.K. Yeah. Two years since Broadway Accident.

D.J. That’s some hibernation!

P.K. A don’t hibernate – A gestate. A’m not a bear.

D.J. Well we don’t need to ask whit fit she kick’s wi – do we listeners?

P.K. And you wonder why A don’t miss Glasgow?

D.J. Eh. Em. (Gets his train of thought back on track.) Would you say the new album is a departure; musically?

P.K. I’m not sure how to answer that.

D.J. You know – that punk spirit your old music used to have.

P.K. This album is full of spirit. But it’s a spirit of . . . longing. A spirit of . . . understanding. Keyboards are the future. Electronica – you know?

D.J. What ever happened to three chords and the truth, eh?

P.K. Why don’t you tell me?

D.J. Would you say that music’s lost its dirty soul?

P.K. You never answered my question.

Awkward silence.

D.J. The new album’s causing a big stir in the States.

P.K. It’s extraordinary. Overwhelming really. A’m pretty satisfied with it. Cold Fire in the Night is all about connecting people . . . with people – and getting them to dance. Make love – you know?

D.J. If you say so. Going on tour with Eurythmics. Does being two wonderfully talented Scottish female singers help you and Annie to click?

P.K. Click? You mean like clunk-click? I’ve never been in a car with her.

D.J. You must have lots in common I mean. You know – both being Scottish.

P.K. People don’t have control over where they’re born! A’ve lived in New York for two years – then Los Angeles for the last three. Would you ask me that if she was from L.A.?

D.J. (avoiding the question) Wow. Five years. I didn’t know it was that long. You’ve been in America five years, eh? Five years since punk? Wow. It feels like only yesterday I was pogoing about in Paisley. Saw your first band a few times. (Sings.) Ever been stung by a Jaggy Nettle. Ever been stung by a Jaggy Nettle! Good times!

P.K. (spiky) Speak for yourself. A don’t reminisce – it’s bad karma.

D.J. There was a great sense of something happening in Scotland back then. A spirit of being part of some sort of revolution. Your band helped to put Scotland on the punk map. Surely you’re proud of that?

P.K. You’re boring me. Last question.

D.J. We’ve still got another ten minutes.

P.K. (losing her temper) Do you know what halitosis is? Do you know what a deodorant is? A can smell you through the glass.

D.J. You sound like an advert for personal hygiene products.

P.K. And you smell like a hippopotamus. Trapped in a lift. In a heat wave. (Broad Scottish accent.) A deid wan!

D.J. (losing his cool) I’d rather be trapped in a lift with a deid hippo than you – that’s for/

P.K. /Last question!

D.J. Okay. Whatever happened to the Jaggy Nettles, P.K.?

P.K. Fuck you!

She rips off her headphones and storms out.

D.J. (flustered) P.K. Kelly is leaving the building! She’s one touchy goose dressed up as a swan. Apologies for the bad language. It looks like punk’s not dead after all, listeners. So here’s The Ramones. With . . . ‘Beat on the Brat’ – with a baseball bat, oh yeah!

Scene One

The Practice Pad. Lori, Timpani, Bonnie Ann, Kunti and Baby are hanging out. Bonnie Ann plays the first chords of ‘Ever Been Stung by a Jaggy Nettle?’ Lori goes over to a microphone. Timpani starts to hit his bass drum repeatedly.

Kunti It’s August 1978, motherfuckers. Last month The Clash played the Apollo. We were aw thare. Steamboats. Full ae glue. Doun the front. Rippin up the seats. White Riot – gonna riot – know whit A’m sayin?!

Kunti plays a single low note repeatedly on the bass.

Lori A’m Lori. Lori Logan. An the Jaggy Nettles is ma band. Well – whit A mean is. It wis ma idea. A’m thair Sven . . . Svenga . . . Svengal . . . thair ...

Table of contents

• Cover
• Title Page
• Contents
• Thanks
• The Songs
• Foreword
• Set
• Prologue
• Glossary
• Back Matter
• Methuen Drama Modern Plays
• Methuen Drama Contemporary Dramatists
• Further information
• eCopyright