The Herd

Rory Kinnear

• Publisher: Nick Hern Books
• Year: 2013
• eBook ISBN: 9781780012629
• Topic: Littérature
• Subtopic: Théâtre britannique

A witty and heartfelt look at a family falling apart – and pulling together – when life doesn't turn out quite the way they imagined. Joint Winner of the Critics' Circle Most Promising Playwright Award, 2013.

It's Andy Griffith's twenty-first birthday. Not that he's counting. But his mother Carol is. Counting the minutes until he arrives, counting the unexpected guests, counting the times that something like this has happened before.

Rory Kinnear's first play, The Herd was first performed at the Bush Theatre, London, in September 2013.

The front room of a suburban house. An adjoining kitchen and living/dining room. Stairs leading to an unseen second floor. A corridor to a bathroom. A downstairs bedroom off the living room. The room is cursorily decorated for a birthday party. CAROL, mid-fifties but young, is on her home phone, perched on a living-room armchair, busily wrapping some presents.

CAROL. And is he in the bus?… He is?… And you’re in the bus with him?… How?… How are you in the bus with him?… They mended it today, did they?… Mended, fixed… Right, but yesterday Jackie said it was still broken… Evening… Right, so not mended then. So if the cordless phone isn’t working how are you talking to me in the bus?… Right. So if you’re not, is Andy?… Murat, you promised me he would be ready to leave by eleven thirty… No it’s not, it’s twelve… It is… Murat, it’s twelve o’clock and you are still faffing about… Faffing, I can’t [think of another word]… Wasting time… Have you got his jacket on at least?… His jacket, Murat, you must know what ‘jacket’ is, his coat?… Yes? And are his drugs all there?… All of them, are you sure?… The Colomycin?… Because last time you forgot it…

CLAIRE, thirty-three, lets herself in the front door.

CLAIRE. People over the road, their car lights are… oops, sorry…

CAROL (mouthing to CLAIRE). Two minutes. (On phone.) Are they there in front of you?… Yes? Can you slowly read out the names of all the drugs in his bag?… (To CLAIRE.) Pitta breads, in the freezer.

CLAIRE. Car lights? Shall I say something?

CAROL (ignoring her).…Yes, well, he’s already late, isn’t he? Okay. So… What?… Sorry, can you spell it?… Fee? Is that V?… Yes?… V… E… N… Right, Ventolin… Yes, Ventolin… Yes, that is how you say it. Next one… Oh God, Murat, that sounds like nothing on earth…

CLAIRE (having placed the pitta breads on the kitchen sideboard). I’m going to pop round and let them know.

CAROL (ignoring her).…Listen, Murat, can I speak to Jackie? It’s probably going to be quicker… No, Jack-IE, jack-ET was earlier but well remembered… yes, and will you please, please, please get Andy into the bus now… Thank you… Yes, Jackie, thank you… The lovely Jackie… (To CLAIRE, absentmindedly.) Did you find them?… (Sees the pitta breads.) Can you… (Notices she’s not in the room and calls out to her.) Claire, can you pop the pitta breads in the microwave to defrost please? And make a salad dressing? I’ve got to speak to the lovely Jackie… without vomiting… Claire?… Claire, are you there?… Are you in the toilet?… (To phone.) No sorry, Jackie, not you… Yes, I just want to make sure he’s got all his drugs for the weekend… I know, I just wanted to make absolutely sure, after last time… No, I’m not blaming anyone… Sure, but to be sure… Great, can you read out all the drugs there in Andy’s bag? Thank you… Ventolin, yes, Colomycin, Atrovent, yes…

CLAIRE re-enters.

CLAIRE. There’s no answer.

CAROL. What?

CLAIRE. There’s no answer over the road.

CAROL (on phone). Sorry, Jackie, just… (To CLAIRE.) What’s over the road?…

CLAIRE. The new couple. Are they away?

CAROL. I don’t think so… (On phone.) Sorry, my daughter’s… (To CLAIRE.) Hang on… (On phone.) Sorry, yes, I’m ready… Undivided… Great… great… great… (To CLAIRE.) Defrost… (On phone.) Great, all of them?… and the Nutrison?… how many bottles?… Lovely… fine, okay, wonderful. And Murat’s getting him in the bus now, is he?… Great… yes, hope so… Just his grandparents and his sister, and some friends of mine… I’m sure it will be… about an hour and a bit then… I’m sure it will be, bye then. (Hangs up.)

If she says it once more, I swear. ‘How lovely.’ What is lovely, Jackie, what actually is lovely? Like a fucking parrot.

CLAIRE. The people over the road. Their car lights are on.

CAROL. What?

CLAIRE. I’ll pop over later, see if they need any help.

CAROL. Oh God, you don’t have to worry about them. Wouldn’t piss on you if you were on fire.

CLAIRE. It’s alright, I’ll just pop over…

CAROL. Honestly, they’re ghastly.

CLAIRE. Wouldn’t you appreciate…?

CAROL. Oh, don’t take the moral high ground, for God’s sake. I’ve jump leads in the boot if they need them. Did you make the dressing?

CLAIRE. You didn’t ask.

CAROL. I did.

CLAIRE. When?

CAROL. Earlier.

CLAIRE. You didn’t.

CAROL. Yes I did, Claire.

Oh, no, you weren’t in the toilet.

CLAIRE. What?

CAROL. Can you?

CLAIRE. What?

CAROL. Make a dressing?

CLAIRE. Yes. Can...

Table of contents

• Cover
• Title Page
• Contents
• Original Production
• Characters and Note on Text
• The Herd
• About the Author
• Copyright and Performing Rights Information