Jumpers for Goalposts

Tom Wells

• Publisher: Nick Hern Books
• Year: 2013
• Print ISBN:
  9781848423268
• eBook ISBN:
  9781780012285
• Topic: Literature
• Subtopic: British Drama
• Index: Literature

A hilarious and heart-warming comedy about football, friendship and finding your way.

Luke wants Danny, but Danny's got a secret. Joe's happy in goal, but Geoff wants a headline gig. Viv just wants to beat the lesbians to the league title. Game on.

Tom Wells' play Jumpers for Goalposts premiered at Watford Palace Theatre in 2013, before touring the UK, including a run at the Bush Theatre, London.

This volume also includes Tom Wells' short play Jonesy, the underdog story of an asthmatic teen who dreams of making a name for himself as a 'Netball Maverick' and earning the respect of the lads from GCSE PE.

Week One

VOICE ON RADIO. Man City, 2 – Tranny United, 1. Lesbian Rovers, 5 – Barely Athletic, 0.

A changing room in Hull. A bit scruffy. Benches and graffiti. A bin. Some narrow windows high up on the back wall.

Showers are through a doorway, offstage.

JOE , DANNY and LUKE are sitting down, looking a bit knackered. VIV is fuming.

Throughout the scene, everyone apart from LUKE gets changed out of kit, into clothes. LUKE just puts more clothes on.

GEOFF moonwalks on.

VIV glares. GEOFF stops.

VIV. You haven’t earned that moonwalk, Beardy, and, deep down, I think you know it.

JOE. Bit harsh, Viv.

VIV. Oh is it? Very good.

JOE. He did score.

VIV. For the wrong team, Joe. The wrong fucking –

GEOFF. Still a goal.

VIV. Yes, a goal that plunged us from a respectable four-nil defeat where people go ‘never mind, Viv, we all have an off-day’, to a humiliating five-nil defeat where people actually take you to one side and go: ‘Viv, have you considered badminton?’

DANNY. Have you considered badminton?

VIV. Shameful. It is.

But that, that right, that is just a drop in the ocean of of of, incompetence on display by you lot today. All of you. Including me.

VIV rummages in her bag for a notepad.

I’ve made notes.

VIV picks up a football.

Right, Luke. What’s this?

VIV points at the football.

LUKE. Sorry?

VIV. This. What is it?

LUKE. Um. Football?

VIV gives him the football.

VIV. I’ll let that sink in.

LUKE looks at the football.

DANNY. Viv.

LUKE. No it’s. Good isn’t it? Start with the, the basics.

VIV. Joe love. I know your life’s a steaming pile of shit at the moment, properly shit and it will be for, for a while and, this probably isn’t your top priority but, thing is: you do need to work on your fitness. We’ll go jogging. We’ll start tomorrow.

JOE. Maybe.

VIV. Good. Two things, Danny: one: you’re always playing football, I remember you being really good at it. You’re not, you’re shit. What’s happened? Two: thought you’re doing a course. Coaching and that.

DANNY. I am.

VIV. Where’s the fucking, coaching then? Guidance.

DANNY. Just think there’s a, a time and a –

VIV. The time is now. No point getting all your qualifications and that, bits of paper then standing there like a fucking, ornament. Garden gnome. You’re an athlete, Danny. Behave like one.

DANNY. I did say I was shit in goal.

VIV. Not that shit.

Right. Beardy.

GEOFF. Here we go.

VIV. The fuck is that on your head?

GEOFF. It’s a hat, Viv.

VIV. Don’t think it belongs on a football pitch really, do you?

GEOFF. My lucky hat.

VIV. Not that lucky.

GEOFF. I did score.

VIV. For the wrong team.

GEOFF. Alright, no need to. I just. My sort of, isn’t it? My thing.

VIV. Rest of us manage without a thing.

GEOFF. Rest of us manage without a bra, Viv. Not saying you should.

VIV. My bra’s not dangerous. That –

GEOFF. It’s wool.

VIV. Saw them, Geoff. Saw them yanking your tassels.

GEOFF. Only flirting.

VIV. Not flirting that’s bloody, garotting.

GEOFF. Don’t see why you’re so fussed.

VIV. Cos it looks like you’re not taking it seriously. The team.

GEOFF. I’m not taking it seriously.

JOE. Geoff.

GEOFF. Well, I’m not. Meant to be a laugh isn’t it? I thought? Sort of, comedy team names – w...

Table of contents

• Cover
• Original Production
• Characters
• Jumpers for Goalposts
• Jonesy