The Last of the Haussmans

Stephen Beresford

• Publisher: Nick Hern Books
• Year: 2012
• ISBN:
  9781780011561
• Topic: Literature
• Subtopic: Drama
• Index: Literature

A funny, touching and at times savage portrait of a family full of longing that's losing its grip - The Last of the Haussmans is a play examining the fate of the revolutionary generation. It premiered at the National Theatre in 2012, starring Julie Walters and Rory Kinnear.

Anarchic, feisty but growing old, high-society drop-out Judy Haussman remains in spirit with the ashrams of the 1960s, while holding court in her dilapidated art deco house on the Devon coast.

After an operation, she's joined by her wayward offspring, her sharp-eyed granddaughter, a local doctor and a troubled teenager who makes use of the family's crumbling swimming pool. Over a few sweltering months they alternately cling to and flee a chaotic world of all-day drinking, infatuations, long-held resentments, free love and failure.

'A knockout - entertaining, sad and outrageous. [Stephen Beresford] is going to be a major name' Observer

'Beresford's drama is frequently a hoot... you can't not enjoy' Metro

'Beresford's debut is thoughtful and fresh, delighting in the savagery of a dysfunctional family... deliciously comical... drips with smart lines' Evening Standard

ACT ONE

Summer

Scene One

The garden and sun terrace of the Haussman family home on the South Devon coast. The house is a 1930’s art deco property in a state of virtual dereliction. The overgrown garden and terrace are littered with furniture – some of it garden furniture, some of it not – and the solarium, a glass room attached to the house with tall glass doors, is also piled high with junk. There is a large poster in the solarium of a charismatic, dark-eyed Indian man with a huge silver beard. This is the Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh. A woman, LIBBY, stands in the garden, smoking. Facing her is a man, NICK. He’s unshaven and unkempt with nicotine-stained fingers, almost like a tramp – but with a faint air of the exotic about him.

LIBBY. I know you haven’t been looking after yourself because your nail varnish is chipped. And you’re incredibly thin.

NICK. I’ve always been thin.

LIBBY. Not like that.

Beat.

Hello, anyway.

NICK. Hello.

LIBBY. Do you want something to eat? I don’t know what there is. Ritz Crackers? For some reason she’s got boxes of the things.

NICK. Really, I’m fine.

LIBBY. Or quiche.

NICK. I’m alright actually, Libby. Thank you. I’ll just have a drink please. Dying for a drink.

LIBBY goes to fetch a glass.

Where is she?

LIBBY. Upstairs.

NICK. Am I – ? Do I have to go up?

LIBBY. You’d never wake her anyway. She sleeps all day and gets up when she’s hungry. She’s like a fucking badger.

NICK. Is she – ? I mean – Do I have to prepare myself?

LIBBY. What do you mean?

NICK. For the – I mean – is she changed?

LIBBY. Jesus, Nick, you’re not going to get stupid about this, are you? She had a melanoma so small it was removed with a local anaesthetic. Okay?

NICK. Alright.

LIBBY. It’s not Terms of Endearment.

LIBBY hands him a glass. Pause.

I had a lot of trouble tracking you down this time. None of the numbers I had for you worked. I was worried.

NICK. Don’t be.

LIBBY. I spoke to who knows how many people.

NICK. I move around.

LIBBY. Someone said you’d left your job.

NICK. Who?

LIBBY. I don’t know. Chris or something. Tim.

NICK. Rory?

LIBBY. I don’t know. Everyone passed me on to someone else. I got the impression you were sleeping on floors. I rang that guy in the end. What was his name? The one that you – Sandy? I never knew if you two were lovers. Or –

NICK. We weren’t. Exactly.

LIBBY. He told me you’d gone to Corfu.

NICK. I was living in this awful place, Lib. The people were – Somebody was trying to kill me. Seriously. This guy who was a friend of Sandy’s flatmate was actually threatening to kill me.

LIBBY. Why?

NICK. With a circular saw.

LIBBY. Why, I said. Not how.

NICK. Oh. Nothing. Housing benefit. And I’d heard about this amazing sort of beach community in Corfu. It sounded so wonderful. Just surrounded by sea and sky and space. So I fucked off.

LIBBY. To Corfu?

NICK. To Bristol. I couldn’t quite raise the funds for Corfu. But I had a friend in Bristol. Lois. Remember her? She lost her leg. She was in my recovery programme. Lois. The Quaker.

Beat.

Quaker now. Used to be a glue-sniffer. Anyway. That’s – How long have you been here?

LIBBY. Couple of weeks.

NICK. And what’s she like? I mean, apart from –

LIBBY. The same. Madder.

She suddenly stops.

She’s writing her memoirs.

NICK. Her what?

LIBBY. She’s writing a fucking book.

LIBBY has picked up a Dictaphone. She presses play. We hear JUDY’s voice.

JUDY (on Dictaphone). All one hundred and thirty-seven Sanskrit verses of the Guru Gita.

LIBBY. She’s – listen.

Fast-forward. Play.

JUDY (on Dictaphone). And you open like a flower…

LIBBY. Hang on a minute.

Fast-forward again, impatiently.

JUDY (on Dictaphone). Rice noodles…

Fast-forward again.

The spitting image of Burt Reynolds.

NICK. Does it matter?

LIBBY. Of course it matters. Do you want her version of events floating around out there? Unchallenged?

NICK. They wouldn’t publish it.

LIBBY. You’d be surprised what they’d publish. She sits here, night after night, dictating it to – and this is the other thing – her new best friend.

NICK. Who?

LIBBY. This doctor.

NICK. Dr Mays?

LIBBY. No – Dr Mays? Dr Mays is dead.

NICK. Is he?

LIBBY. Of course. What did you think he was going to do? Limp on for ever? This is the new GP. Only, he’s an old hippy, isn’t he? Sits here and drinks with her, night after night. Plays the guitar. How that can be good for her, Joan Baez and Bob fucking Dylan till three in the morning. And you should see the way he looks at me.

NICK. Oh?

LIBBY. Jesus Christ. I don’t know why I attract these old men.

Little pause.

She’ll be down in a minute.

NICK. What exactly happened?

LIBBY. What do you mean?

NICK. With the – raid – Is that what we call it?

LIBBY. It isn’t funny. What made it worse, the health visitor was Jackie Miller.

NICK. Who?

LIBBY. Her mother used to clean here. Couldn’t wait to get over the threshold. Dear me, she kept saying. It’s been very difficult to cope, hasn’t it? Eyes on stalks.

NICK. Jesus, I’m nervous.

LIBBY. Why?

NICK. Perhaps I’ll have another.

LIBBY. We’ve got three months. And then we get another check. They want to see significant improvements. I told them, it’s not going to happen overnight. But we need to do this, Nick. For us. I mean, this cancer has really brought it home to me. We could – Well. There’s no reason why we shouldn’t –

Beat.

I don’t know about you, but I’m sick of wandering around without a proper home.

SUMMER has walked out.

You remember Summer.

NICK. What? Summer? That can’t be Summer.

SUMMER. I’m pretty sure it is.

NICK. But she’s –

LIBBY. Fifteen.

(To SUMMER.) Are you hungry? I’m the only person in this house who eats. I’m going to wake her in a minute. This is ridiculous.

LIBBY disappea...