ACT ONE
Musical fanfare as curtain rises to reveal BERTIE WOOSTER, dressed in black tie with a velvet smoking jacket, sitting in an armchair beside a standard lamp on an otherwise empty stage. BERTIE is looking down over his shoulder, tucking some notes away under the chair, apparently oblivious to the fact that he is now in full view of the audience. Suddenly, realising that all eyes are upon him, he checks his watch, and then looks out to the audience.
BERTIE. I thought we said 7.30 for 8.00.
He stands up and addresses the audience.
What-ho! Now, the reason that Iâm here, and youâre there, is that I was at my club, the Drones the other night, and I was telling Bingo Little â you know Bingo â I was telling Bingo Little, in some detail, about a perfectly frightful weekend I recently spent at Totleigh Towers. And he said, âBertie, you should be doing this on the stage!â So, here I am⌠Tout seul⌠or as the French say, âAll on my own.â I mean, Iâve been to the theatre a couple of times, Iâve seen people act and have often thought, âWell, how hard can that be?â
BERTIE takes a deep breath and composes himself.
So, here goes. Curtain up! Now, thatâs just a theatrical expression, of course, because the curtain has already gone up â otherwise you wouldnât be able to see me.
He strolls over to the armchair and sits down.
Now, the whole thing started when I was at home asleep in bed.
He leans back in the chair as if he is asleep and then suddenly sits bolt upright.
I woke.
He addresses an imaginary person beside him.
BERTIE. Jeeves!
BERTIE. I said.
He stands up and moves stage right in order to play the part of JEEVES.
Now, when I stand here Iâll be playing the part of Jeeves.
BERTIE (impersonating JEEVES). Yes, sir.
BERTIE returns to the seat to play himself again.
BERTIE. And then I said:
BERTIE. If I had my life to live again, Jeeves, I would start it as an orphan without any aunts.
BERTIE stands up and moves stage right again to assume the character of JEEVES.
BERTIE. And then Jeeves said:
BERTIE (impersonating JEEVES). Indeed, sir.
BERTIE. And then I said:
BERTIE returns to his seat to play himself again.
BERTIE. Donât they put aunts in Turkey in sacks and dropâŚ
BERTIE. No, hold onâŚ
BERTIE stands up, not knowing which part to play.
And then Jeeves said. No â I said. No Jeeves saidâŚ
He stops and calls out to the real JEEVES.
BERTIE.âŚJeeves!
JEEVES appears.
JEEVES. Yes, sir.
BERTIE. Could you play Jeeves, Jeeves?
JEEVES. Certainly, sir.
BERTIE. Good. I canât keep that up all night. So, back to the story. Itâs a complex case of Gussie Fink-Nottle, Madeline Bassett, her father Sir Watkyn, her cousin Stiffy Byng, Roderick Spode and my Aunt Dahlia. Here we go. Your line, Jeeves.
JEEVES. Indeed, sir.
BERTIE. No, say your line, Jeeves.
JEEVES. Indeed, sir, is my line, sir.
BERTIE. Never mind. Iâll start.
BERTIE resumes.
Donât they put aunts in Turkey in sacks and drop them in the Bosphorus?
JEEVES. Odalisques, sir, I understand. Not aunts.
BERTIE. Well, why not aunts? Look at the trouble they cause in the worldâŚ
BERTIE suddenly breaks out of the dialogue and addresses the audience.
BERTIEâŚ.No, wait⌠Hold the line a minute. Iâve gone off the rails. Would you believe it, Iâve started in the wrong place.
Right-ho. Let me start again. It really all began the day before the one you just saw me wake up in.
JEEVES. If you could allow me one moment, sir, I think we could set the scene somewhat more convincingly.
BERTIE. Well, I think itâs pretty convincing already. You have to leave some things to the imagination, Jeeves.
JEEVES pulls on an art deco fireplace and places it centre stage.
Jeeves, that is absolutely terrific!
JEEVES picks up two sticks and animates the flames of the fire.
Theyâre really getting their moneyâs worth, arenât they?
JEEVES. They are indeed, sir.
JEEVES hands BERTIE the sticks and then goes to open up a screen, stage left.
BERTIE. Itâs a fire!
JEEVES. Perhaps youâd like to continue with your story.
BERTIE. Story?
JEEVES. In your pyjamas, sir.
JEEVES points BERTIE towards the screen.
BERTIE. Yes, of course, Jeeves.
BERTIE goes behind the screen and calls out.
Jeeves, get me one of those bracers of yours, will you?
BERTIE. I said, as I returned from the bathroom with that rather unpleasant feeling you get sometimes that youâre going to die in about five minutes.
BERTIE emerges from behind the screen, now dressed in pyjamas. He looks in amazement at his transformation before continuing.
BERTIE. Jeeves! How are you doing this?
JEEVES. Your story, sir?
BERTIE. On the previous night. Not yesterday. In the story. I had given a little dinner at the Drones to my very good pal, Gussie Fink-Nottle. He was soon to be hitched to Madeline Bassett, only daughter of Sir Watkyn Bassett. Gussie was a shy and timid pal of mine who buried himself in the country and devoted himself entirely to the study of newts. But love will find a way, and he was now due to walk up the aisle with the ghastly girl. I call her a ghastly girl because she was a ghastly girl. A droopy, soupy, sentimental exhibit, with melting eyes and a cooing voice and the most extraordinary views on such things as stars and wabbits⌠rabbits.
JEEVES pushes on a truck, which represents the wall behind the fireplace. Hanging directly above the mantelpiece is a framed picture.
BERTIE. Good Lord, Jeeves. Whatâs that?
JEEVES. Itâs called scenery, sir. Itâs quite widely used in the theatre.
BERTIE. Well, where did it come from?
JEEVES. When I learned of your intentions for this evening, sir, I took it upon myself to provide some suitable representations of relevant locations. Some of them are still under construction, sir.
BERTIE. For those of you who havenât been to my pad, this really does bear an uncanny resemblance to myâŚ
JEEVES. Your story, sir.
BERTIE. Oh yes. Sorry.
BERTIE sits down.
BERTIE. Any post this morning, Jeeves?
BERTIE. I said, sitting nonchalantly.
JEEVES. Yes, sir. There is some literature from the travel bureau. I thought you might care to take a glance at it.
BERTIE. Oh? You did, did you? Jeeves, this nuisance must now cease.
JEEVES. Travel is highly educational, sir.
BERTIE. I canât do with any more education. I was full up years ago.
JEEVES. Very good, sir.
BERTIE. This round-the-world cruise that you want me to go on, Jeeves⌠Youâve become altogether too⌠Oh. Whatâs the word?
JEEVES. I could not say, sir.
BERTIE. Pertinent? No, itâs not pertinent. Pernicious? No itâs not pernicious. Itâs on the tip of my tongue. Begins with a âpâ and means being a jolly sight too pushy. But itâs not pushy.
JEEVES. Persistent, sir?
BERTIE. Persistent! Thatâs the exact word I was after. Too persistent, Jeeves. Far too persistent.
JEEVES. Very good, sir.
BERTIE. Very good, Jeeves.
BERTIE goes behind the screen to change. JEEVES places the tray on the mantelpiece and then brings on the jacket.
Well, it was quite a satisfactory dinner at the Drones last night.
JEEVES. Indeed, sir.
BERTIE. O...
