Beauty and the Beast (NHB Modern Plays)

Lucy Kirkwood

• Publisher: Nick Hern Books
• Year: 2014
• ISBN:
  9781780013114
• Topic: Literature
• Subtopic: Drama
• Index: Literature

Lucy Kirkwood's delightful version of the classic fairytale, first seen in a production devised and directed by Katie Mitchell at the National Theatre for Christmas 2010.

'I expect you have been told fairytales before. But you have never really heard a fairytale until you have heard it told by a real fairy.'

The theft of a single rose has monstrous consequences for Beauty and her father. Because this is no ordinary rose...and this is no ordinary fairytale. Narrated by a pair of mischievous fairies, a very helpful Rabbit, and a Thoughtsnatcher machine, this timeless story is sure to surprise, delight and enchant.

A wild and twisted tale, full of exciting and intriguing challenges for drama groups wishing to stage their own production.

'Chock-full of clever ideas' - Whatsonstage.com

'Clever, fast and endearing, with grand insults and proper jeopardy.' - The Times

'the story is beautifully and touchingly told... a continuously inventive delight' - Telegraph

'This new devised version is blessed with a sassy script by Lucy Kirkwood... Beauty-fully done' - Evening Standard

ACT ONE

THE MAN IN PINK SAYS A FEW WORDS

The MAN IN PINK enters with some ceremony.

He stands very still.

He regards us for some time.

Perhaps he is wondering if we are a worthy audience.

PINK. Welcome.

Cecile!

He claps his hands. CECILE enters.

I expect your parents often tell you that it is very wicked to steal things.

They are wrong, of course (as they so often are).

The important thing to remember is this:

It is only wrong to steal if you get caught.

Cecile! The rose!

CECILE passes to him… a rose.

Merci.

CECILE. De rien.

She remains, a little too close to him. Hovering.

PINK. The rose you see in my hand, my friends, is a stolen rose.

Stolen from the palace of a Beast on a winter’s morning, and tonight, here, on this very stage, I will show you how the theft of this single rose, in itself nothing but a soft fist of petals and scent, will have catastrophic consequences. I expect –

CECILE coughs. He turns, irritated. She holds out some sheet music.

What is it, Cecile?

CECILE. It is the music. For my song. You said tonight I could have a / song –

She tries to give him the sheet music. He dismisses her.

PINK. Yes, yes, later! You’ve put me off my stride now, Cecile, Cecile, my stride is off, where was I, Cecile, where was I before you put me off my stride?

CECILE (prompting). I expect.

PINK. Yes! Yes:

He takes a breath. He gathers himself.

I expect you have been told fairytales before.

But you have never really heard a fairytale until you have heard it told by a real fairy.

And I, my friends, am a real fairy.

CECILE. So am I.

PINK. Yes, yes, so is she (don’t interrupt, Cecile).

The Health and Safety Officers of this theatre have demanded I warn you:

There will be magic here tonight. But do not be fooled: I will not pull rabbits from hats, or pluck pigeons from my eyes, or saw Cecile in half (much as that would give me pleasure)

no.

I have real magic at my fingertips.

PINK performs a piece of magic.

Please: do not be frightened!

For some of these things will be frightening but all is within my power. Everything is under my control. Even poor pathetic Cecile here.

See how I make her dance!

He gestures to CECILE, as if casting a spell. She does not dance.

CECILE. I would like to discuss my song.

He ignores her, repeats the gesture, more forcefully.

PINK. See! How I make her dance!

CECILE. Non, ce n’est pas juste! Every night you say to me I can sing and then this you do not allow, every night the same, I will stand it no more. I put down the foot.

PINK. Cecile! S’il vous plaît!

CECILE stamps her foot, and performs a small, sarcastic dance.

I’m so sorry, ladies and gentlemen. She’s French. Cecile! Fermez la bouche! We begin!

Pause. They take their positions. PINK takes a breath.

Once upon a time

CECILE. Il était une fois

PINK. Once upon / a time.

CECILE. Il était une fois.

Pause.

PINK. In a faraway land known as France

CECILE. Dans un pays magnifique! Ah la France!

PINK. Many years / ago

CECILE. Il y a longtemps

PINK. What has got into you tonight?

CECILE. Comment? I am just excited about my song.

PINK. Stop it.

CECILE. Starp eeet.

PINK. May I go on?

CECILE. Oui, oui, continuez, je ne vous empêche pas.

PINK. Yes you are, you know you are.

CECILE. JE VEUX CHANTER.

PINK. Speak English!

CECILE. Why should I speak English, I am French, and it is a French story, it is not an English story, why don’t you speak French?

PINK. Because they wouldn’t understand it, you infuriating little frog!

They speak rapidly in French. PINK slaps her face. CECILE slaps back. They exchange a quick-fire series of slaps. PINK produces his wand and brandishes it at her. CECILE squeals and retreats.

Good girl. To the shadows, if you please.

A SHADOW PLAY

CECILE runs to the projection machine, located somewhere in the audience. PINK claps his hands and RABBIT enters, bearing a wooden box with a hinged lid.

PINK. My friends, tonight we are joined by some very special guests. Inside this small box, tuning up as we speak, is an entire orchestra made up of the lightest, the smallest, the creepiest, crawliest musicians in the Empire.

We have fleas, we have flies, we have lices and louses,
The tiniest pests that you shoo from your houses,
Please welcome them warmly,
They’ve travelled so far,
Ladies and gentlemen,
The Insect Orchestra!

He opens the lid. A blast of high pitched orchestral splendour. As he introduces each section, we hear a snatch of their solo.

We have the ants on strings.

The fleas, on flutes.

On horns, the aphids. They don’t have a lot of puff, boys and girls, but they certainly know how to use it!

Madame Housefly, our oboe soloist. (Wonderful, Zelda.)

Monsieur Beetle, on the tuba.

And last, but not least, the fabulous mosquitoes on percussion.

The music dies a little chaotically, until we can hear only the high-pitched tootling of a solitary insect clari...