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Rules for Living (NHB Modern Plays)
Sam Holcroft
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eBook - ePub
Rules for Living (NHB Modern Plays)
Sam Holcroft
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About This Book
Everyone creates their own coping strategies or rules for living. But what happens when an extended family gathers in the kitchen for a traditional Christmas and they each follow those rules, rigidly?
In Sam Holcroft's theatrically playful, dark comedy the family does just that. And when the instructions are there for all to see, audience included, there's really no place to hide.
As long-held mechanisms for survival are laid bare, even Mum, who's been preparing this lunch since last January, becomes embroiled.
Long-held rivalries and resentments will out. Accusations fly, relationships deconstruct, the rules take over.
Rules for Living premiered at the National Theatre, London, in March 2015.
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Information
Topic
LiteratureSubtopic
DramaACT ONE
Scene One
25th December, mid-morning.
An open-plan kitchen/living room or kitchen-conservatory of a large family home.
CARRIE and MATTHEW, an unmarried couple in their thirties, unpack their contributions onto the kitchen table: food, alcohol, presents.
MATTHEW. Carrieā¦ are you okay?
CARRIE. What?
MATTHEW. Are you okay?
CARRIE. Am I okay?
MATTHEW. Yes.
CARRIE. Yes, of course Iām okay. Iām fine.
MATTHEW. Honey, I know that face ā whatās wrong?
CARRIE. Shush.
MATTHEW. Sheena canāt hear us.
CARRIE. Would you keep your voice down?
MATTHEW. Sheās two floors up; she canāt hear us. (Calling.) Sheena?
CARRIE. Matthew.
MATTHEW (calling louder). Sheena?
There is no response.
See? I grew up in this house ā I know what you can get away with: about seventy decibels. Whatās wrong?
CARRIE. Nothing.
MATTHEW. Carrie, she canāt hear us.
CARRIE. Yeah, because five minutes through the door I manage to repel her up the stairs.
MATTHEW. What are you talking about? She went to check on Emma.
CARRIE. It was just a joke. Itās a natural reflex: if youāre going to give me a set-up, then Iām going to deliver a punchline. Anyone who tells me that Father Christmas arrived with a full sack last night is going to get the same answer: āThatās because he only comes once a year!ā
MATTHEW. Oh that. That was funny.
CARRIE. Then why didnāt she laugh?
MATTHEW. She did.
CARRIE. That was a fake laugh.
MATTHEW. Honey, Iāve known Sheena since I was eleven, she wasnāt pretending.
CARRIE. Really?
MATTHEW. Honestly.
CARRIE. Okay. I mean she married your brother so she must have a sense of humour.
MATTHEW. Carrie?
CARRIE. No, no I mean because heās funny. Not because heās funny peculiar, heās funny funny. And, you know, opposites attract so ā not that sheās not funny, I didnāt mean sheās not funny, sheās, like, super-intelligent, and, and intenseā¦ ly clever, so maybe it was just too childish for her, maybe I should aim a little higher?
MATTHEW. Honey, donāt over-analyse it. Maybe sheās tired? Her daughterās really sick; sheās got a lot on her mind. Donāt take it personally. Just be yourself.
CARRIE. Yeah but sometimes āmyselfā is a bit much, you know, for some people. Should I rein it in a bit? You can tell me, I wonāt mind. I know how much your family means to you. I should tone it down a bit, shouldnāt I? You can say.
MATTHEW. Well, itās not rocket science, Carrie, just donāt be vulgar.
CARRIE. Vulgar? You think Iām vulgar?
MATTHEW. No, I donāt think youāre vulgar.
CARRIE. Then who does? Did your mum call me vulgar?
MATTHEW. No, no, I just meant that the things we joke about together arenāt necessarily the things to joke about in front of my family. Not everybody has the same sense of humour.
CARRIE. Yes, hello, I know that. I paid a lot of money to learn all about that. Do I walk into your office and tell you how to be a lawyer?
MATTHEW. No, but youād ask me to tone it down if I went to stay with your family and dispensed legal advice five minutes after walking through the door.
Beat.
CARRIE. Wow. Say what you really feel, why donāt you?
MATTHEW. Carrie ā
CARRIE. You sure know how to make a girl feel better about herself.
MATTHEW. Honey, you just said I should be honest.
CARRIE. No, no, donāt let me stop you. But on the subject of honesty, might I remind you, that if you wanted a wallflower for a girlfriend, you shouldnāt have picked me!
Scene Two
The following rule is displayed to the audience for the duration of the scene:
Rule 1: Matthew must sit to tell a lie
When it is indicated that MATTHEW either sits or stands, he must remain either seated or standing until stated otherwise.
MATTHEW. Carrie, thatāsā¦ thatās what you got from what I just said? That I want a wallflower for a girlfriend? I didnāt say that. Iād never say that. Honey, Iām sorry, I didnāt mean to upset you. Hey, look at me. Carrie, honey, please donāt do this, not today, itās Christmas ā
CARRIE. Iām sorry. I hate being like this. I donāt want to be this irritating, whining person. I justā¦ I just really want your family to like me.
MATTHEW. I know, I know. (Sitting.) And they do. They do like you.
CARRIE. They donāt know what to make of me. Iām never going to fit in.
MATTHEW (remaining seated). Of course youāre going to fit in. You do. Fit in. Currently.
CARRIE. Youāre just saying that.
MATTHEW. Iām not just saying that.
CARRIE. What about your mum, what does she say about me? Does she say Iām funny?
MATTHEW (standing). Mum said youāre always seeing the funny side of things.
CARRIE. And she said she liked that?
MATTHEW (sitting). Absolutely.
CARRIE. Really? Because I get the feeling she sees me as yourā¦ act of rebellion: in everything else you made the sensible decision. And then you met The Actress.
MATTHEW (standing). Carrie, weāve been over this: before I went to law school I appeared in no less than fourteen amateur musicals. The only surprise to my family is that youāre an actress not an actor. So just relax. This isnāt an audition: you donāt need to entertain them; you could just try talking to them. Or better yet, listen. As a general rule, people think youāre a really interesting person if you let them talk at you about something of real interest to them.
They smile at each other.
CARRIE. Iām sorry that we keep having this same conversation.
MATTHEW (sitting). Thatās okay. I donāt mind. Weāll keep doing it until we get it right.
CARRIE. Thatās what you said to me the first time we made love.
MATTHEW (standing). Yeah, thatās the kind of joke you canāt make in front of my mother.
CARRIE. Got it. No probs. Hey, Matthew? I know I must drive you a bit nuts, but youāre so patient with me, and I want you to know that after a whole year, Iām still so in love with you.
MATTHEW (sitting beside her). Iām still so in love with you too.
They kiss. SHEENA enters.
(Standing, breaking away from CARRIE.) Sheena! Hey, hey. Howās Emma? Shall I go up?
SHEENA. Could you give her half an hour? Sheās just having a little rest.
MATTHEW. Sure, sure no problem. Whatever you want, whatever you need.
SHEENA (referring to their contributions). Well, look at all this: youāve brought so much. These lookā¦ what are these?
CARRIE. Mince pies. I make them with filo pastry. Itās more like a mince parcel.
SHEENA. A mince parcel, thatās hilarious. I bet theyāre delicious.
MATT...