Doris Day

EV Crowe, E V Crowe

• Publisher: Nick Hern Books
• Year: 2015
• Topic: Literature
• eBook ISBN:
  9781780014470
• Subtopic: British Drama
• Index: Literature

Two police officers clash over different expectations of the job.

EV Crowe's short play Doris Day was first performed at Soho Theatre, London, as part of Clean Break's Charged season in November 2010.

Late.

DAISY in pyjamas.

ANNA in half-uniform.

DAISY. I wouldn’t want to do a protest.

ANNA. No.

DAISY. You were there though?

ANNA. –

DAISY. Poor you.

Pause.

Did you volunteer?

ANNA. They put me down for it.

DAISY. Oh right.

ANNA. Don’t ask me why.

DAISY. You’re tall.

Pause.

ANNA. It wasn’t just hippies…

DAISY. Okay.

ANNA. It was quite hardcore.

DAISY. Was the sofa comfy?

ANNA. Hardcore. I was right up front. I told you I got MAST-trained?

DAISY. They must think you’re good! Six tequilas good.

ANNA. Got to!

They brought a team in from Manchester.

DAISY. Why?

ANNA. Because it was some-heavy-shit-why.

DAISY. You know why they put you at the front?

Pause.

For the cameras. That’s what they say.

ANNA. If that was the case, they’d fill the line with officers who look like someone called for a stripper. And blonde. Like you.

DAISY. I put your uniform in my cupboard.

ANNA. You know the team call you Doris-Day-Easy-Lay.

Pause.

You are! Don’t get offended. That’s what they say.

DAISY. MAST-trained. That’s cool.

Pause.

ANNA. I’m properly surprised they didn’t pull you in.

DAISY. No one trusts a transfer at a protest.

Pause.

ANNA. What you doing then?

DAISY. What?

ANNA. You out in the car? One of the cars?

DAISY. No.

ANNA. What then?

DAISY. Cell watch.

ANNA. Fuck me.

DAISY. You swear lots now you cut your hair.

Pause.

Don’t you do cell watch?

ANNA. Only when the team hate me.

Silence.

I sort of wish I was working tonight. You know that feeling? Keep-going feeling?

DAISY. What about Carl?

ANNA. This? This is us ‘having a bit of space’. You know.

Pause.

DAISY. Nice face by the way.

Pause.

What happened?

ANNA. Oh some fucker fucking cunt customer mugged me on my way back. Just now.

DAISY. Shit.

ANNA. Quite bad! It hurts.

DAISY. I just assumed it was from work.

ANNA. Did you?

DAISY. So…?

Pause.

You going to call it in?

ANNA. You haven’t asked if I’m okay.

DAISY. No, no, I know. I’m just… are you okay?

ANNA. It was a – (She illustrates a headbutt, expertly.)

DAISY. Did you struggle?

ANNA. A bit.

DAISY. Okay.

You going to call it in?

DAISY picks up her phone.

ANNA. YES. It’s easier not to.

DAISY puts down the phone.

DAISY. We won’t ‘tell the police’?

Pause.

ANNA. I don’t want the team to find out.

DAISY. I agree. Fuck the team…

ANNA. No, it’s all about the team Dipsy-daisy-woo. Wake up. The point is I had my file on me. You can’t lose a fucking case file. You’re not even supposed to take them home.

So don’t blab. K?

It was just a mugging.

Pause.

Don’t babysit me. I’ll just… Can I have some of your Night Nurse?

DAISY. Top cu...

Table of contents

• Cover
• Title Page
• Contents
• Original Production
• Characters
• Doris Day
• About the Author
• Copyright and Performing Rights Information