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PART ONE
Southend, Essex.
A milk-white day at the arse-end of summer.
SMUDGE and PUGH sit high up on the crumbling, graffitidaubed sea wall. PIDGE stands between them, wearing a surgical eyepatch.
DAN stands below on the sand/shingle, smoking a cigarette.
All are mid-twenties and are dressed in variations of black suits with ties (except SMUDGE who is in a short-sleeved shirt with no jacket). They each have a beer.
A long silence ā as long as we can get away with ā as they look out at the water.
The occasional swig of beer.
Nothingness.
PIDGE looks around at the other boys.
One. Two. Three. And himself.
Beat.
PIDGE. Well heās fucked up the five-a-side, en e?
SMUDGE and PUGH laugh/smile. To acknowledge the joke more than anything. DAN doesnāt react.
Silence again.
What time is it now?
No one responds.
Beat.
PIDGE takes out his phone and checks the time, puts it away again.
Beat.
She wants to hurry up, I need a shit
PUGH. Nice
SMUDGE. I could do with / a poo
PIDGE. Iāve already had two, itās that fuckin coffee
SMUDGE. I aināt bin all day
PUGH. What / coffee?
SMUDGE. I think itās the stress
PIDGE. I had a double expresso this mornin before I et anyfin.
PUGH. Espresso.
PIDGE. You what?
PUGH. Espresso. Not expresso
PIDGE. Yeah thatās what I said, espresso.
PUGH. Alright
PIDGE. Na I did
PUGH. Alright
PIDGE. I fuckin did, Smudge didnāt I say?
SMUDGE. I dint fink you drinked coffee?
PIDGE. Na well I donāt do I cos it makes me shit.
PUGH. Makes you talk shit
SMUDGE. Then whyād you have one?
PIDGE. I dunno I thought it might gissa bit of summink, help us out or whatever like, I dunno
PUGH. You shouldāve had your spinach.
PIDGE. My what?
PUGH. Your spinach.
PIDGE. What the fuck are you on about?
SMUDGE. Spinach
PUGH. Popeye
PIDGE. Popeye?
PUGH. Popeye, spinach
SMUDGE. Oh / yeah
PIDGE. Popeye yer fuckin ā donāt start all that again
PUGH. Aye aye
PIDGE. Oi I mean it Iām tryin to have a serious conversation here / yer cunt
PUGH. About how coffee makes you poo!
PIDGE. About how putting a mate in the ground takes it outta yer.
Long beat.
SMUDGE. Are knackerin ent they.
PIDGE. Eh?
SMUDGE. I never bin to one before.
PIDGE. What, like never?
SMUDGE. Na
PIDGE. What about
PUGH. Lucky you
PIDGE. Yāknow likeā¦
SMUDGE. What.
PIDGE. Your old man
SMUDGE. Oh. Na.
PIDGE. Yer never went?
SMUDGE. Na
PIDGE. What, yer mum never took yer?
SMUDGE shakes his head.
Thatās a bit fuckinā¦
SMUDGE shrugs.
SMUDGE. I was only two.
PUGH. Three.
SMUDGE. Eh?
PUGH. You were three.
SMUDGE. Was I?
PUGH. Yeah.
SMUDGE. Oh.
SMUDGE counts on his fingers.
Yeah, I was only three.
PIDGE. So what? Two, three, mate, if someone tried to stop me goinā¦
He shakes his head/puffs out his cheeks.
PUGH. What?
PIDGE. I wouldnāt ave it, like, Iād kick right off.
PUGH. At three years old?
PIDGE. Yeah I would / yeah.
PUGH. Youāre three years old.
PIDGE. So what?
PUGH. You can hardly talk let alone / kick off.
PIDGE. Yeah Iād find a way wouldnāt I
PUGH. Alright.
PIDGE. Na I would though
PUGH. You struggle with speaking now
PIDGE. As if, yer fuckinā¦
Beat.
PUGH. Go on
PIDGE. Latvian.
PUGH. Good one. Youāve been warned once
SMUDGE. I wouldna wanted to be there anyway I donāt think.
PIDGE. Course you would.
SMUDGE. Mmn.
PIDGE. What you talkin about, course you would
SMUDGE. Dunno.
PIDGE. Course you would, why not?
SMUDGE. Horrible ent they?
PUGH. Well. / Yeah.
PIDGE. Yeah they are yeah
SMUDGE. Knew it would be, but.
Beat.
PUGH. Yeah.
PIDGE. Yeah.
PUGH. Did you see his mum?
PIDGE. Yeah.
SMUDGE. Yeah.
Beat.
Fit.
PUGH. I meant the state of her.
SMUDGE. Oh. Yeah.
PU...
