Emma (NHB Modern Plays)

Stage Version

Jane Austen

• Publisher: Nick Hern Books
• Year: 2016
• ISBN:
  9781780017525
• Topic: Literature
• Subtopic: Drama
• Index: Literature

A bold, witty and fresh adaptation of Jane Austen's novel which, while thoroughly modern, retains the spirit and much of the language of the original.

It is night and an exhausted Jane Austen sleeps over the recently completed manuscript of her novel Emma. Her four nieces steal in and decide to act out the text and, after her initial anger on being wakened, Jane herself takes the role of Mr Knightley. The excitable teenage girls often try to take the story into their own realms of fantasy but are always brought back to the real text by Jane.

'full of life and vitality – an admirably lively, daringly provocative adaptation' - Daily Telegraph

'ebullient and mischievous' - The Times

Scene 1

JANE AUSTEN is asleep centre stage. All four nieces enter and perform a rap dance to the music of Me’Shell’s ‘If that’s your boyfriend’.

NIECES. You say that’s your boyfriend,
You say I’m out of line,
Funny . . . he said I could call him up anytime.

You could call me wrong, say that I ain’t right
But if that’s your boyfriend he wasn’t last night.

Now I’m the kind of woman,
I’ll do almost anything to get what I want.
I might play any little game.
Call me what you like but you know what to do.
You’re just jealous, cos he wasn’t with you.

I don’t mean no harm. I just like what I see
And it ain’t my fault, if he wants me.

That’s what I want, and the feeling was right.
If that’s your boyfriend he wasn’t last night.

Boyfriend, yes I had your boyfriend.

If that’s your boyfriend, if that’s your boyfriend,
If that’s your boyfriend he wasn’t last night!

The music comes to a rude halt when they discover JANE AUSTEN in the room. One of them is brave enough to steal the book she is working on. She reads.

NIECE ONE (sotto voce). Emma Woodhouse, handsome, clever, rich, with a comfortable home and happy disposition, seemed to unite some of the best blessings of existence: and had lived nearly twenty-one years in the world with very little to distress or vex her.

NIECE TWO. She dearly loved her father, but he was no companion for her. He could not meet her in conversation, rational or playful; for having been a vale . . . vale . . .

NIECE ONE. Valetudinarian.

NIECE TWO. . . all his life, without activity of mind or body, he was a much older man in ways than in years; and though everywhere beloved for the friendliness of his heart and his amiable temper, his talents could not have recommended him at any time.

All look depressed at prospect of a dull novel.

NIECE THREE. They lived in Highbury, (Squeals of delight from the other nieces.) a large and populous village, amounting to a town, to which Hartfield, in spite of its separate lawns and shrubberies and name, did really belong. The Woodhouses were first in consequence there. All looked up to them.

NIECE FOUR. Is there a handsome hero?

NIECE ONE (flicking through pages of novel). Yes . . . Mr Knightley.

The nieces quarrel about who is to play MR KNIGHTLEY.

NIECES. I’m him . . . no I am . . . no I’m him . . . no, me . . . me . . . me etc.

NIECE TWO (beginning tentatively and then growing in confidence). Ah, Mr Woodhouse! Delightful to see you! It is a beautiful moonlit night, is it not? Delightful to see you! A beautiful moonlit night is it not? I say, did you ever see a more beautiful moonlit night? I must say, it is a . . .

JANE AUSTEN (having woken). What are you doing?

NIECES recoil.

NIECE ONE (slightly sulky having just been caught out). Just playing.

JANE AUSTEN. With my book? My new book?

NIECE FOUR. We just wanted to know the story Auntie Jane. Sorry.

Ominous pause.

JANE AUSTEN. It’s all right.

NIECES sit down round JANE AUSTEN and she hands the book to NIECE TWO.

Go on then.

NIECE TWO (resuming MR KNIGHTLEY but a little subdued). Ah! Mr Woodhouse! Delightful to see you! It is a beautiful moonlit night, is it not? Delightful to see you! (Starting to overblow the character to the delight of the other giggling nieces.) Did you ever see a more beautiful moonlit night? Ah!

JANE AUSTEN. Mr Knightley is not a brainless coxcomb! Mr Knightley is like . . . like . . . this.

JANE AUSTEN becomes MR KNIGHTLEY. NIECE ONE becomes MR WOODHOUSE.

NIECE ONE (as confident young man). It is very kind of you, Mr Knightley to come out at this late hour to call upon us. (NIECE TWO tells him he should play it old.) I am afraid you must have had a shocking walk.

MR KNIGHTLEY. Not at all, Sir. It is a beautiful moonlit night, and so mild that I must draw back from your great fire.

NIECE ONE. But you must have found it very damp and dirty. I wish you may not catch cold.

MR KNIGHTLEY. Dirty, Sir? Look at my boots. Not a speck on them.

NIECE ONE. Well that is quite surprising for we have had a vast deal of rain here. I wanted them to put off the wedding. Ah, poor Miss Taylor, it is a sad business.

NIECE THREE and FOUR (to JANE AUSTEN). Who’s Miss Taylor?

JANE AUSTEN. Miss Taylor was Emma’s governess. She just got married today to a Mr Weston.

NIECE ONE. Poor Miss Taylor.

MR KNIGHTLEY. Poor Emma and Mr Woodhouse if you please, for you will sorely miss her, but I cannot possibly say poor Miss Taylor. It must be easier for Miss Taylor to have only one to please rather than two.

NIECE FOUR. Emma! Who’s playing Emma?

NIECE THREE and FOUR discuss whom of the two of them would be better for the part but are superseded by NIECE TWO. The next two speeches are simultaneously read by the nieces and the real EMMA and MR WOODHOUSE as they appear from the audience.

NIECE TWO / EMMA (fading in). . . . especially when one of those two is such a fanciful troublesome creature. That is what you have in your head, I know, a...