The Hound of the Baskervilles (NHB Modern Plays)

Arthur Conan Doyle

• Publisher: Nick Hern Books
• Year: 2015
• ISBN:
  9781780011684
• Topic: Littérature
• Subtopic: Théâtre britannique

Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's most celebrated Sherlock Holmes story gets a gloriously funny makeover.

When Sir Charles Baskerville is found dead on his estate, with a look of terror still etched on his face, and the paw prints of a gigantic hound beside his body, the great detective Sherlock Holmes is summoned from Baker Street, with Dr Watson in tow, to unravel the mysteries surrounding his death, and investigate the ancient curse of the Hound of the Baskervilles...

Packed full of the verbal and visual ingenuity that hit comedy team Peepolykus is known for, and offering abundant opportunities for silly comedy and slapstick, this version will suit any theatre company or drama group looking for a sublimely funny adaptation of a classic tale.

'wonderfully barking spoof' - Telegraph

'only the most pure of purists could fail to be entertained by this very funny and inventive take on one of the great archetypes of English literature' - British Theatre Guide

ACT ONE

Scene One

Pre-set.

Off-centre – a half-open door in a free-standing doorframe. A loud gust of wind sweeps through the auditorium. The door slams shut.

The moor.

Moonlight. A man in a winter coat walks forward. It’s SIR CHARLES BASKERVILLE. Sound effects accompany him as he walks through a mimed gate and lights a real cigar. He looks out. The feeling is that every living thing in the vicinity is on tenterhooks. He inhales smoke and we hear his out-breath. His third out-breath is replaced by an eerie, far-off howl. SIR CHARLES begins to look more nervous. Something is approaching, fast. He turns, walks back through the gate, turns back and peers out into the darkness. Feet pound the earth accompanied by a terrifying snarl as something approaches. SIR CHARLES turns and starts running for his life (on the spot). With a great demonic roar, the Hound leaps onstage. The lights snap out. A flash of light illuminates upstage as the Hound tears through the back of the set, leaving a splintered, large, hound-shaped hole. SIR CHARLES falls to his knees, clutching his heart… and dies. JOHN rushes onstage.

Scene Two

JOHN. Good evening and welcome to the Playhouse Theatre. Is everyone okay? Good.

JAVIER enters downstage right.

Thank you, Jason – excellent bit of mime.

JASON begins an indignant response but is cut off.

Ladies and gentlemen. Each one of you has willingly come here tonight to witness a dramatisation of one of literature’s most terrifying stories.

JAVIER. And if you didn’t come willingly, good luck.

JOHN. A tale of supernatural proportions, the elements of which can creep into your psyche and rob you of your confidence to ever again walk alone upon a moor.

JASON. Especially at night.

JAVIER. Night or day.

JASON. You’d probably be alright during the day.

JAVIER. Oh really? Against the fog storms that circle you like wolves made of cloud? Against the minefield of oozing bogs that will drag you kicking and screaming into their suffocating depths?

JAVIER begins an impression of ‘death by mud’ that JOHN has to curtail.

JOHN. Thank you… Thank you, Javier! The point is this – before we continue, we have been asked by the British Theatre Authority…

JASON. The BTA.

JAVIER. Sounds like we made it up, but we didn’t.

JOHN. To issue the following warning:

JAVIER. We don’t seriously have to do this every night, do we?

JOHN. Just to avoid… you know.

JAVIER. Just because one person died!

Awkward moment.

JOHN (reading from card). ‘Audiences for tonight’s performance of The Hound of the Baskervilles. If you suffer from any of the following: a heart condition, a nervous disposition, low self-esteem or a general inability to tell fact from fiction then you might want to consider leaving the auditorium. And please remember, if you do decide to leave now, don’t worry; no one will look at you. Can we bring the house lights up, please?

JAVIER. That’s right, don’t get embarrassed. If you need to go, go. Like Jason here. He was running out of rehearsals the whole time.

JASON. That’s not true. On a couple of occasions I simply…

JAVIER. A couple of occasions?!

JASON. Once or twice, I…

JAVIER. You went catatonic on the first day.

JASON. It’s bloody scary!

JAVIER. You see.

JOHN. Ladies and gentlemen, being frightened is nothing to be ashamed of. It’s uncontrollable. It’s a primeval emotion that’s hardwired into us. And in fact, it was a shared curiosity about that aspect of the human psyche that prompted Javier, Jason and myself to consider mounting this production in the first place.

JAVIER. But mainly because you said the title alone would shift tickets.

JOHN. Well…

JASON. And that if we could slash the casting down to three actors, we could massively crank up the profit margins.

JAVIER. Sold it to me.

JOHN. Can we move on!? Tonight, ladies and gentlemen, every significant and insignificant character from The Hound of the Baskervilles will indeed be brought to life by a cast of just three versatile and multitasking performers.

JAVIER. Us.

JASON. Yeah, I think they’ve figured that out, Sherlock.

JOHN. In the role of Sherlock Holmes, Stapleton, Miss Stapleton, Mr Barrymore, Mrs Barrymore and a demented yokel – my friend and colleague, Mr Javier Marzan.

JAVIER steps forward to take applause

JAVIER. Elementary. Good evening! And good casting too!

JOHN. And turning in the part of Sir Henry Baskerville, Sir Charles Baskerville…

JAVIER. He’s done Charles already. He’s dead now.

JOHN. Mortimer, the cabbie and two yokels…

JASON. Three yokels. All subtly different.

JOHN. If you say so… is my other great friend and colleague, Mr Jason Thorpe.

JASON takes applause. JOHN steps forward to be introduced.

Jason…?

JASON. And playing the part of Dr Watson…

JOHN. The lead.

JAVIER. Not the lead.

JOHN. The protagonist.

JAVIER. No.

JOHN. He’s got the most lines, so I think you’ll find he is.

JASON. Mr John Nicholson.

JOHN takes applause.

JOHN. Thank you. Now, before we pick up the reins of the mystery again, let’s just remind you of the facts as we know them. Jason.

JASON. Okay. So. I am Sir Charles Baskerville.

JAVIER. You were. He’s dead now.

JASON. I were Sir Charles Baskerville, squire of Baskerville Hall, Dartmoor. But now I’m dead… he’s dead. Sir Charles is dead… I’m not dead, obviously.

JAVIER. You’re dying now, though. Get on with it.

JASON. He died, in his grounds of Baskerville Hall, from what would appear to be a massive heart attack to his heart. And then some demon creature ran through the back of the set.

JAVIER. Then you came on with that announcement.

JASON. Then some latecomers came in!

JOHN. However! The question remains...