Kiss Me Quickstep (NHB Modern Plays)

Amanda Whittington

• Publisher: Nick Hern Books
• Year: 2016
• Print ISBN:
  9781848425743
• eBook ISBN:
  9781780017280
• Topic: Literature
• Subtopic: British Drama
• Index: Literature

Dazzling and sequin-studded, Kiss Me Quickstep is a play about the world of ballroom dance, taking us behind the fixed smiles and fake tan to look at the real lives of those for whom ballroom dancing is everything.

Justin and Jodie have finally made it to the national ballroom-dancing championships in Blackpool - via the motorway hard shoulder. Luka's come all the way from Russia. Nancy's been training for this since she was three. Lee and Samantha arrive on a wave of success.

But what if your dance-floor dreams are turning into a nightmare? How do you stop dancing to other people's tunes? What can you do if your partner's secret could cost you the crown? And, even when the whole world's at your feet, it only takes one false step...

Amanda Whittington's Kiss Me Quickstep premiered at New Vic Theatre, Newcastle-under-Lyme, in 2016, in a co-production between the New Vic and Oldham Coliseum Theatre.

ACT ONE

Scene One

British Amateur Dance Championships. Empress Ballroom, Winter Gardens, Blackpool. A Friday afternoon in winter. Present day.

LUKA KRALJ enters. He wears a tracksuit and carries a rucksack and a suit in a cover. He looks around in awe and wonder.

LUKA. Blackpool…

LUKA goes onto the dance floor. He tries a progressive chassé and repeats it with great concentration, his arms placed as if dancing with a partner. No music plays but the silence gives LUKA’s steps a compelling beauty. He moves slow-quick-quick-slow-slow; slow-quick-quick-slow-slow.

As LUKA progresses, DANCERS and their SUPPORTERS come into the ballroom, costumes in hand, excited and nervous in equal measure.

Among them is NANCY KNIGHT. She wears a tracksuit and is made-up to the nines, with hair severely scraped back and lacquered. NANCY watches LUKA before stepping forward.

NANCY. You’re here.

LUKA stops dancing.

LUKA. I was early, I…

NANCY. S’all right.

LUKA. I thought I’d come in and…

NANCY. It’s fine.

LUKA looks up.

LUKA. It is.

NANCY. So you found it all right? Cos you know we’d have picked you up from the station?

LUKA. I like to walk.

NANCY. But you’re staying tonight at our house?

LUKA. I am.

LUKA is gazing around.

NANCY. You like it?

LUKA. The floor… the lights…

NANCY. Chandeliers.

LUKA. Chandeliers…

NANCY. I dreamt once they fell as I danced. Crashed and shattered around me.

LUKA. Like a horror film.

NANCY. Tiny beads under my feet.

LUKA. ‘The Evil Dance’. Thriller-style. Billie Jean.

LUKA moonwalks across the floor.

NANCY (laughs). Luka!

LUKA. I like to walk. Moonwalk!

NANCY. Not here!

LUKA. Though Cab Calloway called it the Buzz.

NANCY. Cab…?

LUKA. And Marcel Marceau? You’ve seen him walk into the wind?

NANCY. I don’t know, I…

LUKA. Michael who?

LUKA does the routine of walking against the wind.

NANCY. Wow!

Enter MICK, pulling a suitcase on wheels. He also carries a ballroom dress in its cover and a camera bag.

MICK. You found him then?

NANCY. Yes.

MICK. The waif an’ stray.

NANCY. Dad…

MICK. She’s been waiting outside, son.

LUKA. I make my own way.

MICK. Texting yer.

NANCY. Once, that’s all.

MICK. I thought you’d bottled it.

LUKA. Bottled it?

NANCY. Cold feet.

LUKA. I know what it means.

MICK finds a corner of the ballroom.

MICK. Come on, this’ll do us.

LUKA. Cold feet? Not me.

LUKA does his own hotshoe shuffle.

MICK (calls). Base camp.

LUKA. No way.

MICK. Bring your stuff, sunshine.

NANCY looks between MICK and LUKA.

NANCY. Luka?

LUKA picks up his rucksack.

LUKA. Never.

LUKA heads for their corner.

Scene Two

Ballroom. Later that afternoon. Couples from the DANCE CHORUS gently warm up. They wear tracksuits but hair and make-up are competition-ready. We hear the voice of the COMPÈRE over the PA.

COMPÈRE (voice-over). Welcome, one and all, to the magnificent setting of the Empress Ballroom, here in the beautiful Winter Gardens. In a weekend of spectacular competition, you’ll be privileged to see the very best of British Ballroom and Latin American dancing. We begin at five o’clock with the Over-fifties’ Ballroom. Until then, please enjoy the General Dancing to the marvellous Empress Orchestra.

JODIE ATHERTON strides in. She is fully made-up and aglow with fake tan. She carries a ballroom dress in a cover and drags a suitcase. JUSTIN ATHERTON follows, with a covered suit and sports bag. Both wear tracksuits.

JUSTIN. Jodie!

JODIE. Here’s one, quick.

JODIE spies an empty corner and goes to claim the space.

JUSTIN. Conserve your energies, ey?

JODIE. We’ve got half an hour.

JUSTIN. Forty-five minutes.

JODIE. Well, that makes all the difference.

JUSTIN. You’ve done your face.

JODIE. On the bloody hard shoulder.

JUSTIN. All right but we’re here now and –

JODIE. No thanks to you.

JUSTIN. As I’ve said fifty times, when a clutch cable goes, it just goes. You can’t see it coming.

JODIE. You can’t.

JUSTIN. That’s right cos I’m not a mechanic and I’m not a clairvoyant.

JODIE. I’ve got one thing to say to you, Justin. AA.

JUSTIN. That’s two things.

JODIE. The company car had all that.

JUSTIN. The company car had air-con and heated seats, Jodie. Times change.

JODIE. Too right. Now we’re driving around in a death trap.

JUSTIN. Stop being a diva.

JODIE. We’re on the M6 and we grind to a halt. Just like Beyoncé does – not.

JUSTIN. I pulled over.

JODIE. We could have been wiped out.

JUSTIN. We could but we weren’t and we got here on time.

JODIE. In a tow truck.

JUSTIN. So let’s co...

Table of contents

• Cover
• Title Page
• Contents
• Original Production
• ‘Life in a Mirrorball Light’ by Amanda Whittington
• A Note on the Dancing
• Characters
• Kiss Me Quickstep
• About the Author
• Copyright and Performing Rights Information