Human Animals (NHB Modern Plays)

Stef Smith

• Publisher: Nick Hern Books
• Year: 2016
• ISBN:
  9781780017662
• Topic: Literatura
• Subtopic: Arte dramático

>"Don't go burying wild animals in my garden… or at least ask for permission first."

In the overcrowded city, nature is getting out of control.

The mice are scratching between walls, the pigeons are diseased and the foxes are beginning to rule the streets.

The problem is growing. It's contagious. It has to be stopped, before it's too late.

"People can get used to terrible things. Very quickly. If they have to. It doesn't take much for things to start to fall apart."

Stef Smith's Human Animals premiereD at the Royal Court Theatre, London, in May 2016.

LISAWas it bleeding when you found it?

JAMIENo.

LISAWhy is there a tea towel over it? I got that tea towel from our trip to Edinburgh Castle. It just flew through the window?

JAMIEI just couldn’t… you know… it was just there – looking at me. With its beady little eyes. They’re much smaller than you’d think. Its skull was only the size of a matchbox. What do you think it was flying from?

LISAMight have just got confused or lost. Is it a boy or a girl?

JAMIEI don’t know how you tell. Do you think it had eggs? Like babies?

LISAJamie.

JAMIEWell. There might be chicks out there.

LISAAre you getting sentimental on me?

JAMIENo, I’m just… thinking about /

LISAAre you going to /

JAMIENo. I’m just… What?

LISANothing. You just surprise me sometimes is all.

JAMIEIs that a bad thing?

LISANo… No.

I don’t think I’ve ever seen a dead pigeon before.

Are we just going to leave it on our living-room floor? How are we going to get blood off the carpet?

JAMIEI’m not picking it up. I’ve already had to look at the thing.

Silence.

LISAI’ll get the rubber gloves.

JOHNIt’s not my fault they’re using guns, Nancy!

NANCYIt’s your garden, John – the sound is awful and I’m not your only neighbour. You’ve got the Hendersons the other side and they can be right B-words.

JOHN smiles.

Stop looking at me like I’m ridiculous.

JOHNWhen was the last time you swore?

NANCY1987.

I stood on a bee – my foot swelled up to the size of a melon. I imagine I swore then.

The sound of a gunshot fills the room.

JOHNIt’s my only option.

NANCYCouldn’t they put some poison down or something?

JOHNPoison is for rats, not pigeons – plus there was too many of them. Doubling in numbers.

NANCYWere you scared?

JOHNIt takes more than a few pigeons to scare me.

Okay it was a little frightening. But there were seventy-nine pigeons, three seagulls and two swallows on my last count.

NANCYDid they say what caused it?

JOHNPest control said it has something to do with flocking patterns changing.

NANCYDo pigeons flock?

JOHNAll I know is there are seventy-nine of the bloody things in the garden shitting on my new decking. Thank God I got that power hose last winter… When is Alex back?

NANCYShe’s back on Wednesday, at seven.

JOHNRemember, she’ll be different though, and exactly the same.

NANCYShe sent me these photos last month and she looked so like Richard it’s startled me. He’d be so proud of her.

JOHNYou’ll be glad when she is back.

NANCYI wished the garden looks a little more… ready for her return. My poor roses. Never thought a flower would make me feel guilty but I just look out the window and they are there – weeping. It’s funny how roses can look like they’re weeping. But at least they keep me company.

JOHNI did wonder the other day if I rather enjoy my own company a little too much.

NANCYBut you’re such wonderful company I can see why you wouldn’t want anyone else’s. I hope Alex hasn’t done anything regrettable with her hair. Trips like that do that, don’t they? Make people have regrettable hair.

JOHNMy poor sist...