Herding Cats

Lucinda Coxon

• Publisher: Nick Hern Books
• Year: 2016
• Topic: Literature
• eBook ISBN:
  9781780017822
• Subtopic: British Drama
• Index: Literature

A chillingly funny play that freeze-frames a generation negotiating intimacy and independence in the twenty-first century.

Meeting the demands of twenty-first-century life is as impossible as herding cats for Justine, Michael and Saddo.

Justine has an infuriating new boss; Michael chats to strangers for a living; Saddo is one of them. All three are living a comic fiction in an attempt to avoid the facts. And now Christmas is coming... ready or not.

Lucinda Coxon's play Herding Cats was first staged at the Ustinov Theatre, Bath, in 2010.

1.

Lights up. JUSTINE, standing, starts speaking straight away, fuming. On stage, a sofa and one of those pleather cube-stool things. MICHAEL on the sofa. His eyes hardly ever leave her, though there’s no sexual charge to speak of between the two of them.

JUSTINE. I literally exploded.

MICHAEL. Really?

JUSTINE. Literally. Un-fucking-believable. Un-fucking-believable.

MICHAEL. Yeah?

JUSTINE. Dealing with him… It’s like… it’s like…

MICHAEL. What…? Go on…

JUSTINE. Herding cats. Herding fucking cats. He’s a hippy. Ex-hippy. Old hippy. Too many drugs, you know. Mind the fucking gap!

MICHAEL. Ha!

JUSTINE. Yeah. Mind the fucking gap. God.

MICHAEL. Have a drink.

JUSTINE. No, I’m too… Look at me…

MICHAEL. It’ll help –

JUSTINE. No, it won’t, not when I’m like this. Like this it makes it worse. Like this it’s like petrol – whoosh!

MICHAEL. God, you poor thing.I’m going to…

JUSTINE. You should. Yeah. Have one for me.

MICHAEL. I will.

MICHAEL goes to get a drink. JUSTINE paces, brimming with energy.

JUSTINE. Fucking hell. Have a big one.

MICHAEL. I will do.

JUSTINE. A really bloody huge… an Oblivion and Tonic.

MICHAEL. Yeah, a beer.

JUSTINE. Yeah whatever. Fuck.

MICHAEL. Sit down. Sit down.

JUSTINE. I will, I’m just… you know…

MICHAEL. Sure. Are you sure about the…?

JUSTINE. Drink? Yes. Shit fuck Jesus. Yes.

I’m slowing down.

MICHAEL. Yeah?

JUSTINE. With the drinking.

MICHAEL agrees.

MICHAEL. Well, maybe you should.

JUSTINE. Don’t say that. Don’t say that…

MICHAEL. For your health, I mean. It’s not good for you.

JUSTINE. Fuck off!

MICHAEL. For anyone.

JUSTINE. Well, I know that. I mean, come on! I just can’t stand it when people say: ‘It’s not good for you. Look at the times you feel awful all day.’ I say: ‘Yes, I do often feel awful all day, yes.’ But it’s not like it’s a choice between feeling awful all day or feeling generally fucking fabulous and I’m just too stupid to see the difference…

MICHAEL. No…

JUSTINE. No, it’s actually a choice between feeling awful all day or feeling awful all night. That’s the choice. If I don’t have a drink I feel awful all night…

MICHAEL. I know.

JUSTINE. And at least in the day you’ve got distractions.

MICHAEL. That’s true…

JUSTINE. At least in the day you’ve got things you’ve got to do, to get through, to pit your fucking self against. You’ve got reasons to keep going. What have you got at night? CSI fucking Miami.

MICHAEL. Ha.

JUSTINE. Seriously. At least in the day there’s a front to maintain. There’s a… there’s a person you’ve got to be, you know…

MICHAEL. Yeah. Yeah, I guess.

JUSTINE. You have to… you know…?

MICHAEL. Yeah…

JUSTINE. The whole time.

MICHAEL. I know, yeah.

JUSTINE. Fuck. Jesus.

I don’t know.

Like herding fucking cats.

MICHAEL. You said that. That was funny.

JUSTINE breathes a second, then the agitation rises up again.

JUSTINE. What am I going to do with him?

MICHAEL. I don’t know.

JUSTINE. He needs his backside kicking from here to kingdom come.

MICHAEL. Well, if anyone can…

JUSTINE. That’s what everyone at work says. But this one… I don’t know.

An extraordinary, unthinkable prospect:

I think I might hav...

Table of contents

• Cover
• Original Production
• Interview with Lucinda Coxon
• Dedication
• Characters
• Herding Cats
• About the Author
• Copyright and Performing Rights Information