Love, Lies and Taxidermy

Alan Harris

• Publisher: Nick Hern Books
• Year: 2016
• eBook ISBN: 9781780018010
• Topic: Literature
• Subtopic: British Drama
• Index: Literature

An offbeat love story about Mr Tutti Frutti, a stuffed owl and the struggle to fit in.

This is a boy-meets-girl story. Son of a Polish taxidermist meets daughter of a failing ice-cream salesman at a medical-research facility in Merthyr Tydfil. First date in Tesco and things are going well.

But it's difficult to fall in love when your parents need saving from themselves, their weird hobbies and the threat of a prison sentence.

Alan Harris's play Love, Lies and Taxidermy was first produced by Paines Plough, Sherman Cymru and Theatr Clwyd in Paines Plough's pop-up theatre, Roundabout, at the 2016 Edinburgh Festival Fringe, before touring.

Valentyn stood motionless outside the ominous, low, red-brick building. He steeled himself, ready to enter, taking a little time to muster his courage. He knew there was no need for him to be nervous – yet he was. He tried to calm his nerves by thinking: What would Captain America, or even Thor, do in this situation? Yes, they might destroy the place but, also, depending on the plot, they might be calm and cool and just enter. One more deep breath. Val stepped forward, one foot in front of the other, a last glance up at the plastic white sign covered in plastic blue letters that read:

Biotech Medical Research Unit, Merthyr Tydfil.

It’s the 4th of October.

10.11 a.m.

A Saturday.

Exactly a week before the biggest day in Valentyn and Ashley’s young lives.

This should be a love story.

Ashley and Valentyn.

She is slightly too attractive for him.

And he knows it.

But not so out of his league that there isn’t some chance.

He knows, really, there’s no chance.

But, at the moment, on October 4th at 10.11 a.m. at Biotech –

Just outside actually –

The world is a blur for Ash.

It’s starting to drizzle.

She doesn’t get a clear image of Valentyn –

Because tears are clouding her view.

Her head feels light – she walks like a drunk coming down Glebeland Street on a Saturday night –

A drunk that wants to appear sober –

All the weight just a little too forward.

Down the steps and the concrete path and where the handrail runs out there’s a low wall.

She has to take her hand off the rail if she wants to continue moving forward.

You okay?

Yeah, I –

Have you been in there?

Yeah, I’ll be –

Here, sit. (Beat.) What did they do to you?

No, I, silly really. I’m okay now.

Are you escaping? What have you got?

What do you –

Someone I know did tests here and they wouldn’t let him leave – they gave him a dose of something, a disease, and then treated him. He wanted to go to the Spar – top up his phone. Said he couldn’t leave. Which disease have they given you? Should I be –

No, I, it was just the test.

The test whether you can have tests?

I failed. I fainted.

Why?

Needles. I’m okay now.

You’re afraid of needles and you got tested for medical trials?

Need the money. (Beat.) Thought, read up on it – fear of needles – concentrate on a spot on the wall and well, when it comes, it’s like a wave I can’t hold back.

You need money that badly?

Sorry, not trying to put you off or nothing. You going in? You going for the test? It’s fine, they’re very nice in there –

Come on. You need milk.

What?

Milk.

I’m –

Come on. ...

Table of contents

• Cover
• Original Production
• Note on Play
• Love, Lies and Taxidermy
• About the Author
• Copyright and Performing Rights Information