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ACT ONE
Scene One
A sitting room in a house – high ceilings. A slightly deserted feeling. Some cardboard boxes stand half-opened, an abandoned sofa.
The figure of GAYLE materialises, dressed in black, at the back of the space. She surveys the room dispassionately.
Then, she melts away.
And suddenly we are in the midst of a brightly lit, ad-libbed noisy housewarming, among the boxes and sofa. KITTY is holding a baby. JAKE and EDWARD stand on either side of her, looking down at the newborn. RACHEL stands nearby, drinking wine and watching. KITTY offers the baby to JAKE.
NB Throughout the scene, KITTY and EDWARD touch each other affectionately.
JAKE raises his voice above the others.
JAKE. Oh, yes, please!
The baby is gingerly passed over.
Aaahh. They’re lovely when they’re this size. They’ve got a sort of spicy smell, haven’t they? What a lot of hair! And – (Inspecting baby more closely. Sudden respect.)
Wow.
He’s got a massive head, hasn’t he?
KITTY. Yes. When the GP saw him, he said – (Tones of awe.) ‘Was he vaginal?’
JAKE. God. – And was he?
KITTY. Yes!
JAKE. Respect.
EDWARD. How’s yours?
JAKE. Oh, fantastic. He did a brilliant picture of an apple the other day. I said, Jimmy, that is the most fantastic apple, and he said, it’s not an apple, Dad, it’s a bird, pretending to be an apple.
KITTY. Aah…
RACHEL. He wants a remote-controlled tree for Christmas.
KITTY. Sweet. And the little one?
JAKE. Oh, brilliant.
RACHEL. He’s crawling.
KITTY (worried). Crawling? Really? Already?
RACHEL (airily). Oh yes, been crawling for weeks now.
EDWARD. God.
RACHEL (comfortingly). – But, he is bald. (To KITTY.) Oh don’t look so worried! This is your first! When you have your second, you’ll be thinking, ‘Please don’t start crawling yet! Be a late bloomer, for God’s sake!’
– Oh Kitty –
She has noticed that KITTY is suddenly tearful.
KITTY. … Sorry… Just… every little thing… you know… is a worry… I think it’s the lack of sleep, you lose all sense of perspective…
RACHEL. Oh Kitty… of course you do… (Hugs her.)
Meanwhile.
JAKE. All right Ed. I’ve got to ask it. Why didn’t you ask me to be godfather?
RACHEL. Jake…
JAKE. I am offended. Who else is it going to be? Did you think I wasn’t up to it? Is my vagina not big enough?
EDWARD. No. It’s not that.
JAKE. So why?
RACHEL. I don’t know why you care. (To the others.) He said he wouldn’t do this.
JAKE. ‘It’s not a difficult question.’
EDWARD. Listen…
JAKE. ‘Yes or no will suffice.’
EDWARD. We just decided we weren’t going to have g...
