Pop Music

Anna Jordan

• Publisher: Nick Hern Books
• Year: 2018
• Print ISBN: 9781848427938
• eBook ISBN: 9781788500920
• Topic: Literature
• Subtopic: British Drama
• Index: Literature

A play for anyone that's ever been a dick on the dance floor.

A wedding. A free bar. A blast from the past. G and Kayla's lives are a mess buttonightthey're determined to Have It Large. As their veins course with adrenaline and cheap prosecco, we follow them on an epic journey through thirty years of pop.

Can the DJ save them as they become Dancing Queens, reliving their Teenage Dream, Staying Out For The Summer and Spicing Up Their Lives? Pop makes promises it can't keep, and soon they'll discover they have more in common than their taste in tunes.

Anna Jordan's play Pop Music is an emotionally contagious rollercoaster. It premiered at Birmingham Repertory Theatre in September 2018 (previews at Latitude Festival, July 2018), produced by Paines Plough and Birmingham Repertory Theatre in association with Latitude Festival, followed by a tour.

This edition also includes Anna Jordan's short play Closer to God, which received the Overall Winner and Audience Choice Awards when it was premiered at the inaugural OffCut Festival in 2009.

KAYLA and G are at The Wedding. These short sharp sections of text show the progression of the day. They could lose jackets, ties, pashminas, shoes; generally get more dishevelled and boozy as time goes on.

They start by addressing ushers in church.

KAYLA. Bride.

G. Groom.

KAYLA (taking order of service). Thanks. What? (Indicates to G behind her.) Us?

G. No it’s cool I’ll only need –

KAYLA. No we’re not together I’m –

G. One.

KAYLA. Alone.

The word ‘Alone’ resonates. They sit.

Snap to: Them watching Jade and Miles walk down the aisle.

Snap to: Them both holding hymn sheets up, singing in that self-conscious way that you do at a wedding, looking around them. They sing ‘All Things Bright and Beautiful’.

TOGETHER. He made their glowing colours,

He made their tiny wings.

Snap to: Outside they both throw confetti over the bride and groom.

Snap to: Later. At the bar. They almost overlap.

KAYLA. Gin and tonic.

G. Just a Coke.

KAYLA. What free all night?

G. With some vodka.

KAYLA. Can you do a triple? Just joking.

TOGETHER. Double.

Snap to: Seated separately at the meal – they talk to strangers at the table.

KAYLA. I’m a childhood friend of Jade’s.

G. Miles is a family friend.

KAYLA. No you could bring a plus one I just didn’t really have a /

G. I’m from… here.

KAYLA. I’m fine on my own.

G. Yeah, originally from here. I was born here. In Kingbrook General.

KAYLA (singing Destiny’s Child awkwardly). All the women – independent!

G. Can you pass the red?

KAYLA (to a passing waiter). Is there any more white?

TOGETHER. TO JADE AND MILES!

They raise their glasses, grimace a bit, then down it. They talk to the audience.

G. Actually, I’d like to propose a toast.

KAYLA. To those of us who need it most.

TOGETHER. A TOAST TO THE SPARE PRICKS AT A WEDDING. CHEERS!

G. With dry-cleaned suit and polished shoes

He charges into unknown lands

He navigates, propped up by booze

The loud-mouthed lads and racist nans

KAYLA. And as her new Spanx knickers chafe

She hovers by the crudités

As yummy mums and teenage waifs

And lovers to the first dance sway

A blast of ‘All of Me’ by John Legend.

Bet you wouldn’t love my curves and edges, John.

G. There’s nothing like a wedding see

To show how great your life could be

If you were just a bit:

KAYLA. Thinner

G. Braver

KAYLA. Younger

G. Fitter

KAYLA. Cooler

G. Happier

KAYLA. Not so

TOGETHER. Alone.

Beat.

KAYLA. SOD IT. You’re done. You’ve had enough. You’ve done the rounds. You’re going home.

G. But wait – a tiny ray of light – Five words spoken into a microphone:

The sound of mic feedback then a rather lacklustre DJ voice.

VOICE OF DANNY D. Are you ready to party??

G. And we think YES Danny Danger, resident DJ at Glamour in Beesley!

KAYLA. YES competitively priced balding wedding DJ in his early forties!

TOGETHER. We ARE ready!

KAYLA. To rip it up

G. Have it large

KAYLA. Shake it off

G. Go hard

KAYLA. Or go home!

G. Alone.

They clock each other.

TOGETHER. NO.

They might down a bit more booze. Whatever they do – they’re fucking up for it.

G. So we call upon The DJ to

TOGETHER. SAVE ME SAVE ME!

KAYLA. Little old brave me.

G. From grey grey days

KAYLA. And long long fuckless nights.

Cos all we need

They glance at each other.

TOGETHER. Is music

G. Right?

‘All About Tonight’ by Pixie Lott plays (loop intro once).

And there it is.

The perfect pop song’s perfect opening moments

That glittery synth chord intro

Gives you itchy feet

Makes your heart beat that little bit faster

Makes your arm hairs stand on end

Our spirits ascend!

KAYLA. Let’s claim this night

All soaked in booze as it is

Fuelled by big cheap dirty beats

It’s lipstick smudged

It’s tired feet –

Let’s jump on the back of this bitch

And ride her to the sky…

G. To oblivion,

to the bus station…

KAYLA. Cue life lessons from Pixie Lott:

KAYLA’s lines are in response to each line of the lyrics of the first verse of ‘All About Tonight’.

Four-inch heel. Primark’s finest

Now I look like I’ve got rickets

That’s why I’m singing a friggin’ song about you

Well she’s got one thing right at least

Oh an evening of oestrogen and prosecco!

Thrush

Let it go, Pixie – better out than in, love

YES IT IS!

Both sing the chorus.

(Speaking over lyrics of second half of chorus.) Yep!

Tomorrow doesn’t matter

The walk of shame – doesn’t matter

Pissing in a drain – doesn’t matter

Maxing your credit card – doesn’t matter

Broke a heel – doesn’t matter

copped a feel of someone you shouldn’t – doesn’t matter

Ordering twenty-four chicken nuggets because it seems like a good idea at the time – doesn’t fucking matter

G (speaking over second verse). And what makes a truly great pop song

Is its capacity to make you look up, look out

No matter what horrors go on in your life

It brings hope. It brings light.

And sometimes we’d be forgiven for losing that hope Right?

Just a tiny bit of that hope.

KAYLA. A tiny bit?

Are you joking?

A truckload of hope.

A fatberg of hope.

We are flytipping hope

From up high shitting hope

We haemorrhage hope

It gushes like blood into a toilet bowl

Hope is a deflating balloon in place of your soul

G. Jesus Christ!

They sing and dance to the chorus.

And for a few precious hours it doesn’t matter tha...

Table of contents

• Cover
• Title Page
• Contents
• Original Production
• Thanks
• Dedication
• Epigraph
• Characters
• A Note on the Play
• Pop Music
• Characters
• Closer to God
• About the Author
• Copyright and Performing Rights Information