Parenting
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Parenting

What Really Counts?

Susan Golombok

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eBook - ePub

Parenting

What Really Counts?

Susan Golombok

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About This Book

Parenting: What Really Counts? examines the scientific evidence on what really matters for children's healthy psychological development.
The first section considers whether it is necessary to have two parents, a father present, parents who have a genetic link with their child, or parents who are heterosexual. Section two explores the psychological processes that underlie optimal development for children, particularly the quality of the child's relationship with parents, other family members and the wider social world. Contrary to common assumptions, Susan Golombok concludes that family structure makes little difference to children's day-to-day experiences of life.
As well as for students, researchers and teachers, Parenting: What really counts? will be of great interest to parents and those thinking of embarking on a non-traditional route to parenthood. It will also be welcomed by professionals working with families and those involved in the development of family policy.

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Publisher
Routledge
Year
2014
ISBN
9781317724667
Part I

Family type


Chapter 1

Number of parents

One versus two?

Growing up in a single-parent family is generally considered to be bad for children, and yet more than 40 per cent of children find themselves in a single-parent family at some time during their school-age years. Does this mean that almost half of all children are at risk for psychological problems? Or are single parent families not so harmful after all?
Single mothers are often portrayed as young unmarried women who are financially dependent on the state. Indeed, this is the image of single parents that commonly comes to mind. But it is just as inaccurate to describe all single mothers in this way as it is to depict all married parents as financially and emotionally secure. Single-parent families are as diverse as are two-parent families. Even Diana, Princess of Wales, was a single mother. Children being raised by single parents are to be found everywhere.
‘At his school there are parents who are actors, television producers and famous people, and in my daughter's class nearly all of them are single parents. When I get speaking to some of these mothers — and you should see their houses, really beautiful — a lot of fathers are just not there. This fallacy about single parents being income supported, unemployable people or stupid teenagers, it's just not true. It's rare for my daughter to go to a house and the father is there.’
Single-parent families are formed in a variety of ways. Although most result from the parents' separation or divorce, some lose a parent through death, and others have had only one parent right from the start. As the large majority of single-parent families are headed by a mother rather than a father, single-mother families will be the focus of this chapter. Fathers bringing up children alone will be discussed in Chapter 2.
How single mothers feel about their lives depends to a large extent on their experiences, but many are positive about single parenthood even in the face of extreme hardship.
‘Today its easy, tomorrow it might be difficult. If a friend of mine said “Should I be a single mother?”, I would say “No”. But I wouldn't change my circumstances, not for anything in the world. That's not to say there haven't been times, you know, when it all gets too much. It's a huge task and I had no idea. I don't think anyone does until you have a baby. You've no conception of it.’
‘You have to be all things to all people. You can never be ill, you can never be tired and you can never run out of resources even when you are on your knees. If I was confronted with the same choices I would do it again, but I wouldn't choose it as a way of life.’
Children's experiences in single-parent families vary enormously. Many such children are accepting of their upbringing.
‘It's not something I bother about. So many people I know have single parents. I think among people I know it's more unusual if their parents are together so it's not really been a problem for me you know.’
‘A lot of my friends were in the same boat. In my class at school out of about thirty kids there were only three or four who had a mum and dad there.’
‘I have a strong relationship with my mother, very strong. People are amazed how close I am to my mother and how we can just talk about things openly. They think it's really sweet that I've got that special relationship with my mother when they haven't with either of their parents.’
But for other children, life in a single-parent family can be hard.
‘I blamed it on her. The fact that my dad wasn't there. That probably wasn't right but she was the only one there to take the blame, you know, to take it out on I suppose.’
‘I felt embarrassed about the fact that my mum and dad weren't married and I didn't know who my dad was. For a long time I was very embarrassed about it.’
‘The only situation I didn't like was at school when children said they went out with their dad on their birthday or at Christmas. I didn't worry about the things I got, it was just the thought of not having a dad to be with, to go out with and everything else. That was the worst time at school but I wasn't ashamed to say that I was from a one-parent family.’
‘I missed it when other people at school said “My dad this” and “My dad that”. That's when it used to hit me and I would think “If only I had a dad” you know.
I wished my dad was there when I got home from school or to help me with my homework. I did miss out on that.’
Many single parents suffer extreme financial difficulties, but not all do. Some receive a great deal of help from family and friends while others do not. And some mothers choose to go it alone whereas others find themselves thrust involuntarily into single parenthood. As we shall see from the research discussed below, the outcomes for children in single-parent families depend to a large extent on the circumstances of their lives.

Divorced and separated single-mother families

Most single-parent families result from marital breakdown, and children whose parents divorce are more likely to have psychological problems and are less likely to perform well at school than children in non-divorced families.1 Mavis Hetherington and her colleagues in the United States followed up a group of 4-year-old children from the time of their parents' divorce. These children were compared with two groups of children whose parents remained together; in one group the parents had a happy marriage, and in the other the parents did not get on. The behaviour of all of the children was assessed both at home and at school over a period of six years.2,3
In the first year, the children from divorced families were functioning less well than their counterparts from intact families — even than those whose parents did not get on. The children from divorced families were more aggressive, defiant, distractible, demanding and lacking in self-control, both at home and at school, than the children from two-parent families.
However, by the end of the second year, the situation had changed. It was the boys from intact but unhappy two-parent families who showed the highest level of aggression and defiance, although the sons of divorced parents were still functioning less well than boys from harmonious two-parent homes. The girls from divorced families had returned to normal by this time. There was very little difference between them and the girls from two-parent homes where the parents got on well. A similar situation was found six years after the divorce. Compared with children in non-divorced families, daughters whose mothers had not remarried remained well adjusted. Sons, although improved, still tended to be more non-compliant, impulsive and aggressive in their behaviour.
There is no doubt that divorce is difficult and upsetting for children, and many experience emotional and behavioural problems around this time. But it seems that within two years most children of divorced parents have adapted fairly well. Couples are often encouraged to stay together for the sake of the children. But is it really true that a ‘bad’ marriage is better for children than divorce? Or do children fare better if their parents separate? Although every family is different, it appears that in the long run it is not always a good idea for parents to remain in a hostile marriage just for the children's sake. If divorce leads to an improved relationship between the parents, divorce can be beneficial for all concerned. But if parents remain in conflict after the divorce, the evidence suggests that it is better for children if their parents do not part.4
What aspects of divorce are most likely to lead to problems for children? Is it the divorce itself? Is it living in a single-parent family after the divorce? Or is it something else entirely that is at the root of children's difficulties? It used to be assumed that the higher incidence of psychological problems and poorer academic performance of children from divorced families was due to separation from a parent. But the finding that children who had lost a parent through death did not show such difficulties led psychologists to conclude that it is not so much separation as exposure to conflict and hostility between parents that is the key factor in contributing to children's distress.5
Further evidence for this explanation came from comparisons between children from happy and unhappy two-parent families. Children in two-parent families whose parents were in conflict were much more likely to show behavioural and emotional problems than those whose parents had a harmonious relationship.5 Interestingly, studies that have followed children through childhood have shown that they can begin to show problems years before the divorce actually takes place, sometimes even before the parents have considered separation.6 This tells us that the psychological problems shown by children when their parents divorce do not simply result from the divorce itself but instead arise in response to the arguments and bitterness between parents that they experience at home. It is also entirely possible, and in some cases very likely, that the behavioural and emotional problems shown by children whose parents are in conflict actually contribute to the breakdown of the marriage. For those couples whose relationship is in difficulty, the presence of non-compliant and aggressive children is unlikely to create a situation that is conducive to resolving their marital problems.
The financial hardship that commonly accompanies the transition into a single-parent family after divorce is another important factor associated with children's psychological problems and poorer performance at school. As part of a study of all 16,000 children born in England and Wales in a week in March 1958, Elsa Ferri compared children in single-parent families with children in two-parent families around the time of their eleventh birthday.7 She found that the children in single-parent families were more likely to have emotional and behavioural problems and to be doing less well at school. But the difficulties faced by children living with single mothers could be explained almost entirely by the low income associated with single parenthood rather than the absence of a parent. When family income was taken into account, children in single-parent families were no different from children with two parents in the family home.
More recently Sara McLanahan and Gary Sandefur conducted a detailed examination of four large, nationally representative samples in the USA and concluded that the lower income (and the sudden drop in income) that results from lone parenthood is the single most important factor in the underachievement of young people from single-parent homes.8 They found that adolescents who had lived apart from one parent during some period of their childhood were twice as likely to drop out of high school, twice as likely to have a child before the age of 20, and one and a half times more likely to be out of work in their late teens or early twenties than those from a similar background who grew up with two parents at home.
For the majority of single parents it is a constant struggle to make ends meet, and many feel that it is lack of money which is largely responsible for the problems they experience in bringing up their children.
‘The disadvantage of being a single parent is that the level of child support is ridiculously low which forces people like myself to go out and do little bitty jobs which takes away the time from your child — just to survive.’
‘The first two years were sheer hell. Wonderful in some ways but sheer hell in terms of lack of sleep and lack of finances. I think there's more stress associated with lack of money than anything else. It undermines you completely. You feel worthless, you feel you're not coping. You feel you're not caring for you child. It's a horrible feeling.’
It is not just financial support but social support that is often lacking for single mothers. The absence of a father from the home often leaves the mother with no one else to share the day-to-day tasks of raising a child.
‘When she was a baby buying a loaf of bread was a big issue because if she was asleep did you wake her or decide to go without the bread? If there is someone else there you can go out. So to that extent there is strain.’
‘Occasionally it would be nice to say “I'm going out for an hour, they're yours”. I can never do that ever which is difficult sometimes.’
‘The thing about being a single parent is that you can doubt yourself. You wonder whether you are doing it right. You don't get feedback. If your child behaves badly you think it must be something you've done wrong. I think as a single parent you are not always consistent. You don't always want to be the one doing the telling off.’
Another reason for children's problems in the months following divorce is that this is when mothers often feel at their most vulnerable.9 It is not unusual for mothers to feel anxious, depressed, lonely and lacking in confidence when they divorce. At the same time children become more demanding, less compliant, more aggressive and more withdrawn. For newly single mothers the demands of looking after difficult children while in a poor emotional state themselves can be more than they can take, and their ability to function as effective parents may diminish at this time. They may be less affectionate, less communicative, more irritable and more punitive to their children than ever before which, in turn, may exacerbate their children's difficulties in adjusting to divorce.
But the improvement in children's adjustment following divorce is paralleled by an improvement in the emotional well-being of their mothers. Mavis Hetherington found that by two years following divorce three-quarters of divorced women reported that they were happier in their new situation than they had been in the final year of their marriage, and most felt that it was easier to raise their children alone than with a disengaged, undermining or acrimonious husband.9
‘There have been hairy moments. I feel I've been to hell and back. And something very strong inside you emerges when you actually think you've been through the worst. It can only get better from now on.’
‘Our circumstances have changed very dramatically by my own design. We were in dire, dire straits, and now we live a very comfortable existence. We have lived through some tough times together, him and I, and we have come out at the other end.’
Not all children experience problems in adjusting to divorce. Nor do all children who do develop problems improve within two years. Whether or not children will develop difficulties, and how quickly they will recover, depends on a number of factors.10 We have seen that boys generally appear to be more vulnerable than girls although it has ...

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