Family Estrangement

A matter of perspective

Kylie Agllias

• Publisher: Routledge
• Year: 2016
• ISBN:
  9781317136590
• Edition: 1
• Topic: Social Sciences
• Subtopic: Sociology
• Index: Social Sciences

Family estrangement is larger than conflict and more complicated than betrayal. It is entwined in contradictory beliefs, values, behaviours and goals and is the result of at least one member of the family considering reconciliation impossible and/or undesirable. The cessation of familial relations, whether that involves rejection or deciding to leave, can be an inordinately traumatising experience. Whilst data suggests that around 1 in 12 people are estranged from at least one family member this topic is rarely discussed or researched.

Based on the author's in-depth research and exploration of the topic of estrangement, Family Estrangement: A Matter of Perspective captures the unique lived experiences of both estrangee and estranger. Offering multiple perspectives drawn from academic and popular literature as well as case studies, the book contextualises its chapters within current theoretical understandings of family relationships and estrangement, including Loss and Grief theories, Attachment Theory and Bowen Family Systems Theory. Practice sections provide estranged readers and professionals with a structured approach to exploring the various aspects of estrangement within a family and to help them identify resilience, strengths and strategies which individuals may harness as they attempt to live with estrangement.

Written with the aim to provide guidance in understanding estrangement in context, this book is suitable for estranged family members and all professionals who encounter and work with people affected by estrangement, including social workers, counsellors, psychologists, allied health professionals, doctors, nurses and legal professions.

Chapter 1
Breaking the silence

Just that moment – it’s like aha, the penny dropped. Up to that point I’d been making decisions that took me further and further away from the family. … Decision by decision by decision we just got further and further away.

(Brenda)

Being rejected by family, or deciding to leave, can be one of the most traumatic experiences in a person’s life. While many people experience estrangement from family members, this is rarely discussed in the social and policy context or prioritised in family research. Stories of estrangement are increasingly reported in the media, particularly when the estrangement story has a tragic, celebrity or newsworthy element. In the domestic sphere, estrangement self-help groups and forums are rapidly forming online to meet a demand for support that seems unaddressed by human services. However, these sources are not often positioned to represent the multiple perspectives inherent in estrangement. Instead, adult children are maligned for estranging an older parent, or parents shamed for casting out a child, and other relationship types, such as sibling to sibling, are usually overlooked altogether. A balanced perspective about the causes and experiences of estrangement is hard to find. In fact, some people who have joined estrangement forums have reported being vilified for offering a different perspective, as if being estranged again by the people purporting to support them.

Family estrangement is larger than ‘conflict’, more complicated than ‘betrayal’: it is entwined in perception, conflicting beliefs, values, behaviours and goals. In some cases, estrangement is initiated as a survival mechanism – the estranger believes estrangement is their only chance of moving forward from hurt (and maybe abuse). Regardless, both parties are often left with unfinished business, a pain that originates from a fundamental need for attachment and an ongoing fear that seems to settle close to the heart of self-doubt. Even those people who do not experience a significant or primary grief response to the estrangement are likely to experience associated or secondary psychological and practical losses due to the relationship dissolution. Family estrangement is often shrouded in secrecy and shame, with many hiding their estrangement from others and limiting their social life in the process.

In this spirit, this book does not aim to provide universal answers to the cause, prevention or cure of estrangement, because to do so would be misleading and disrespectful to the experience of each estranged individual and family. It offers multiple perspectives about an historically complex and under-researched phenomenon. It is founded on my eight-year investigation of family estrangement, including the findings from two in-depth qualitative phenomenological research studies with 25 older parents who were estranged from at least one adult child, and 26 adult children who were estranged from at least one parent, as well as a mixed method survey with 27 social workers who had worked with estranged clients towards the end of life. It should be noted that the studies with the older parents and adult children were primarily aimed at investigating the parent and child dynamic. Participants in these two studies referred to 81 estrangements that were current at the time of the first in depth interview (ranging from one month to 43 years in duration). They also discussed 12 estrangements that had been reconciled. However, considerable additional data was also collected and analysed in relation to intergenerational estrangements between siblings, cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents and grand children.

By taking a phenomenological approach to research and the ongoing exploration of estrangement, I have attempted to capture the unique and important perspectives or lived experiences of the estrangee and the estranger without situating one as more honourable than the other. I examine estrangement without judging the parties involved, or their decisions about remaining estranged, or attempting to reconcile: estrangement is a very personal, unique and extremely complex situation to navigate, let alone evaluate from an outsider perspective. While readers might be more interested in chapters pertaining to their own experience or therapeutic work, the remaining chapters can offer additional and useful insights into the development of estrangement and learning to live with it. It is hoped that these chapters bring new perspectives to dominant estrangement narratives.

This book also draws from informal conversations I have had with numerous estranged individuals and families who have provided a wealth of additional insight into their often confusing and distressing experiences. These interactions were initiated by estranged people from around the world who contacted me because they were often desperate to understand the phenomenon they were experiencing and wished to share their story with someone who they thought might listen without judgement or who might be able to shed some light on the situation. I have also gained considerable insight into the estrangement experience from the professionals and community members who have attended my educational workshops, public lectures and conference papers for the past 6 years.

Finally, the book critically reviews knowledge from academic and popular literature to provide guidance in understanding estrangement in context. It provides my commentary on the current ideas, theories and research pertaining to family estrangement, giving priority to the voices of those who have first-hand experience through examples and relevant quotations. It examines the contributors to family estrangement, the intergenerational effects of family estrangement, the experience of being estranged and estranging another, thoughts about living well with estrangement, as well as forgiveness and reconciliation. Finally, it attempts to contribute, in some small way, to ‘breaking the silence’ about family estrangement.

Confidentiality

The voices in this book are particularly important. They bring depth, nuance and lived experience to the theoretical constructs and research findings depicted. These voices belong to 78 research participants who agreed to share their personal or professional stories. Each participant has been allocated a pseudonym to protect their identity, but their words are directly quoted and their stories are fundamental to understanding estrangement.

Who is this book for?

The book is written for individuals and families experiencing family estrangement and the practitioners who work with them, taking into account that a number of practitioners may be experiencing estrangement themselves. Practitioners are defined as all the professional people who encounter and work with people affected by estrangement, from frontline services to longer-term therapeutic work (including counsellors, social workers, family therapists, psychologists, allied health professionals, doctors, nurses and legal professionals). It is important to acknowledge, however, that family or joint therapeutic interventions are not covered in this book, because work in this field could constitute a separate edition. The book is focused on the adult experience of estrangement, but acknowledges estrangements that have developed or been inherited during childhood. Each chapter provides a theoretical and research-based coverage of the particular topic, and there is a section at the end of many chapters where critical questions and exercises are posed. These can be used privately to increase personal and family insight, within the therapeutic context, or to further professional development through critical reflection. There are links to additional resources in the final chapter. The exercises and resources have not been separated into client and practitioner categories. My experience suggests that many individuals and families experiencing estrangement are often highly motivated and prolific readers of a range of estrangement related material, whereas practitioners often need to dip in and out of estrangement literature according to the issues their clients and caseloads present. Therefore the book is designed to be read from cover to cover as well as for directed and specific purposes. It should be noted that the book focuses primarily on the individual experience of family estrangement and practise encounters with the individual.

What about abuse?

Emotional, physical, sexual, financial and online abuse may contribute directly and indirectly to the development and continuation of family estrangement. Like estrangement, abuse is an issue that society often minimises, overlooks and refrains from exploring in any depth. Therefore, it is important to acknowledge this and clarify my position early in this book. I clearly take the position that abuse is not acceptable. I strongly adhere to the belief that estrangement from a perpetrator of abuse is a legitimate and often essential way to promote health and healing for survivors. There are times when reconciliation is not appropriate. There are other instances where survivors of abuse find some form of reconciliation or forgiveness important to their health and healing. The very personal decision to estrange or attempt some form of reconciliation is one that should always be respected.

The human race encompasses abusive parents; abusive children; abusive spouses; abusive siblings; abusive cousins, aunts and uncles. There are abusive grandparents, abusive grandchildren and abusive adoptive and step-family members. In some instances abuse is at the core of estrangement; estrangement might be used as an act of abuse, or people might estrange to escape abuse. In other instances abuse from a third party might result in estrangement. For example, a woman in a domestically violent marital relationship might be prevented from seeing her adult children or elderly parents through a range of manipulative and abusive tactics enacted by her spouse. This book fully acknowledges that in some instances, estrangement is caused by one cruel, selfish and abusive person. However, in most cases it is much more complex, where abuse is intricately entwined with family secrets, denials and corrosive practices that undermine relationships throughout the generations, and it is important to consider the effect of abuse beyond the individual and examine intergenerational effects (particularly the potential for future abuse and estrangement).

Defining family

In this book, the concept of family incorporates and extends components like kinship and affinity. Based on Bedford and Blieszner’s (1997) definition, family members may be biological (or blood relatives) or they may have become a part of the family through adoption, marriage or social designation, and this includes de facto or common law relationships between heterosexual, homosexual and mixed orientation couples. Members may continue to be referred to as family after death and irrespective of levels of contact, affective involvement or contact (Bedford & Blieszner, 1997). Family has an ever evolving history including a past, present and future (Floyd et al., 2006).

Defining family estrangement

The term estrangement originates from two Latin terms; extraneare, which means ‘treat as a stranger’, and extraneus, which means ‘not belonging to the family’ (Oxford Dictionaries, 2014). Despite an ever increasing assumed knowledge and usage of the terms estrangement and family estrangement, there does not appear to be a common definition. In the media, blogs and chat rooms, family estrangement tends to primarily signify a lack of physical contact. Authors of clinical books and literature tend not to define the term specifically – with the exception of Bowen, as discussed in Chapter 2 – and it is often used alongside and in tandem with phrases and concepts such as ‘family rifts’, ‘family conflict’ and ‘cutoff’. While self-definition of, and identification with, family estrangement is warranted and important in clinical practice, it makes any discussion of estrangement limited.

To this end, I define family estrangement as: the condition of being physically and or emotionally distanced from one or more family members, either by choice or at the request or decision of the other. It is generally enacted to reduce implicit or explicit conflict, anxiety or tension between the parties. It is characterised by a lack of trust and emotional intimacy, disparate values, and a belief that resolution is highly unlikely, unnecessary or impossible. It involves some level of dissatisfaction by at least one party. However, it is important to note that dissatisfaction does not necessarily mean that the dissatisfied party wants to reconcile. Rather dissatisfaction usually relates to unmet relational expectations that elicit some level of negative emotion. Estrangement tends to be an ongoing relational process, rather than a one-off event. There are two primary types of estrangement referred to in this book in order to provide clarity throughout the discussion: (i) physical estrangement, and (ii) emotional estrangement. Many people experience cyclical estrangement, where they move between physical and emotional estrangement.

According to the aforementioned definition of family estrangement, a distant relationship differs from an estranged relationship. A distant relationship is one where family members might drift apart or stop contact for months, years or decades, but are quite happy to interact if their paths cross (at a family reunion for example). This type of situation is much more likely to occur between more genetically or structurally removed relatives, when families are large and there are a number of relationship partners to choose from, or when circumstances such as migration or imprisonment create barriers to contact and communication. In these situations, it is highly unlikely that family members consider themselves to be estranged. They still regard the other person as family: generally, they have not experienced overt or covert conflict and there is no lingering hurt or disagreement. Both parties have similar expectations for the relationship and neither is unduly dissatisfied with the relationship or the other person’s behaviour.

Before proceeding to a deeper discussion about the types of family estrangement, it is important to clarify the relationship between family estrangement and parental alienation. Family estrangement is often confused or used interchangeably with the concept of parental alienation that occurs in childhood. Parental alienation is often used distinctly from the term estrangement in custody and therapeutic contexts as an important way to distinguish between a child’s illegitimate or legitimate separation from a parent. For instance, parental alienation is considered to be the child’s distancing from a parent due to the intentional alienating acts, tactics and manipulation of the other parent, whereas estrangement is considered to be the distancing from a parent at the instigation of that parent or child. In this book, parental alienation is recognised as one of the many instigators of, or contributors to, the broader concept of adult family estrangement. Parental alienation may commence in childhood and continue into adulthood or it might be a factor in the development of family estrangement in adulthood. Research indicates that parental alienation is a genuine phenomenon (Baker, 2006; Baker & Chambers, 2011). Family estrangement research indicates that alienating tactics are used – more broadly and outside of a specific diagnosis of parental alienation – in a number of families where family estrangement occurs in adulthood (Agllias, 2015a, 2015b). Parental alienation will be discussed further in Chapter 2, alongside the concept of third party alienation.

Physical estrangement

She just came home one day, walked through the house, took all her clothes, and said ‘I won’t be back’ and went, and I haven’t seen her since. She was 15, she’d be in her late 50s [now].

(Virginia)

A physical estrangement is evident when physical contact is stopped or dramatically reduced. Exchanges of affection or support are usually non-existent or rejected by one party, although some people report a limited or one-way exchange. In these instances, one party might continue to send birthday cards or gifts despite receiving a limited response or no response at all...