eBook - ePub
Vice Versa
About this book
A wily servant and a pair of wronged young lovers team up to bamboozle a pompous general in this riotous new farce. Dodgy disguises, comic capers and a talking monkey create pandemonium as the tricksters try to save the girl, free the servant and live to tell the tale!
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Yes, you can access Vice Versa by Phil Porter in PDF and/or ePUB format, as well as other popular books in Literature & British Drama. We have over one million books available in our catalogue for you to explore.
Information
Act The Second
Two SERVANTS (ensemble) on a tea/fag break wander along the street and start to singâŚ
SERVANTS 1&2:
You havenât lived til youâve seen Rome
You havenât loved till youâve seen Rome
Youâve missed whatâs hot
Youâve missed whatâs not
Youâve missed a lot
Til youâve seen Rome
Youâve not had fun in the sun with a Hun
Whoâs an unruly son-of-a-gunâŚ
Til youâve done it in Rome!
You havenât loved till youâve seen Rome
Youâve missed whatâs hot
Youâve missed whatâs not
Youâve missed a lot
Til youâve seen Rome
Youâve not had fun in the sun with a Hun
Whoâs an unruly son-of-a-gunâŚ
Til youâve done it in Rome!
They are joined by more peopleâŚ
SERVANTS:
You havenât lived til youâve seen Rome
You havenât loved til youâve seen Rome
You havenât wined
You havenât dined
Youâre ill-defined
Til youâve seen Rome
Youâve missed a scene played between a congenial queen
And a menial teen
Til youâve seen it in Rome!
You havenât loved til youâve seen Rome
You havenât wined
You havenât dined
Youâre ill-defined
Til youâve seen Rome
Youâve missed a scene played between a congenial queen
And a menial teen
Til youâve seen it in Rome!
DEXTER, VALENTIN and VOLUPTUA join in the fun. Itâs turning into a bit of a party.
DEXTER:
Youâve not been strained
VALENTIN:
Youâve not been drained
VOLUPTUA:
Youâve not been pained
DEXTER, VOLUPTUA & VALENTIN
Til youâve seen Rome
DEXTER:
Youâve not complained
VOLUPTUA:
Or been obtained
VALENTIN:
Or, worse, abstained
DEXTER, VOLUPTUA & VALENTIN:
Til youâve seen Rome
DEXTER:
Youâve not been miffed
Youâve not been stiffed
You get my drift
Til youâve seen Rome
Youâve not been stiffed
You get my drift
Til youâve seen Rome
VOLUPTUA:
Youâve not been stressed and oppressed
By a festering pest
Whoâs obsessed with your chest
Til â youâve guessed it â in Rome
By a festering pest
Whoâs obsessed with your chest
Til â youâve guessed it â in Rome
Members of the ANCIENT ROME TOURIST BOARD appear and add their thoughtsâŚ
ANCIENT ROME TOURIST BOARD:
If youâre glum and gray, come take a Roman holiday
And make your way to Rome
And once your mind starts to unwind, you will find
In this home from home
That you may never want to roam away from Rome!
And make your way to Rome
And once your mind starts to unwind, you will find
In this home from home
That you may never want to roam away from Rome!
BRAGGADOCIO appears in a seemingly rather waggish and devil-may-care sort of moodâŚ
BRAGADOCCIO:
Rome is where the heart is
Thereâs no place like Rome
Sometimes the lights are on but nobodyâs Rome
Canât you see Iâm achinâ to bring Rome the bacon?
Wherever I lay my helmet: thatâs my Rome!
Rome, sweet rome!
Thereâs no place like Rome
Sometimes the lights are on but nobodyâs Rome
Canât you see Iâm achinâ to bring Rome the bacon?
Wherever I lay my helmet: thatâs my Rome!
Rome, sweet rome!
ALL:
You havenât lived, etc!
If youâre glum and gray, etc!
Rome is where the heart is, etc!
Rome, sweet Rome!
If youâre glum and gray, etc!
Rome is where the heart is, etc!
Rome, sweet Rome!
BRAGGADOCIO: (To audience.) Oh, donât applaud, you obsequious bastards! (To SERVANTS.) And you lot, get back inside before I flog you! Idle bum-sponges! (To himself.) That was a complete waste of timeâŚ
The SERVANTS and BRAGGADOCIO go inside. A cheerful servant arrives in the street with a crate of groceries. He wears a tunic bearing the name âOCADUSâ. he checks the names of the houses against the document on his clipboard.
OCADUS: Running late again. Itâs a wonder we got here at all. Traffic round the colosseumâs a bloody joke. Some bright sparkâs crashed his oxen so itâs down to one lane. Still, the show must go on as they say. (He rings BRAGGADOCIOâs doorbell. DEXTER answers.) Delivery for Domus Braggadocio?
DEXTER: Ay, thatâs us.
OCADUS: (Refers to clipboard.) So, weâve got two substitutions. There were no large bags of figs so I gave you two small. Plus weâve had a run on chicken thighs so youâve got dormice instead.
DEXTER: Fair enough.
OCADUS: Here it is. Sorry itâs such a big crate and all. I tell âem all this over-packagingâs bad for the environment, but do they listen? Do they Pollux. Through to the kitchen, is it?
DEXTER: Thatâs all right. Just leave it here, we can do the rest.
OCADUS: Much obliged. Anon then.
DEXTER: Anon.
Exit OCADUS. DEXTER goes to the front door and calls into the houseâŚ
DEXTER: Oi, you lot, groceries!
DEXTER begins to unpack the groceries, handing items to FECLUS, OMNIVORUS, TERENCE THE MONKEY and other servants who take things through to the kitchen. When DEXTER has an item in his hand it appears as part of his speechâŚ
DEXTER: So! While you were gone â no doubt WINEing about our play, QUAILing at its CORNy jokes and WAFER THIN HAMmy characters â ay, while you were gone a whole week has ROLLed by. (Oh donât CARP, it wasnât my choice to PUNNET!) Our master remains a CEREAL pillock while Feclus still has less brains than a PORK PIE. Omnivorus continues to BUTTER up the General, polishing his APPLES to stay in favour. Philoproximus remains a loyal accomplice and all round FUNGHI. While I am the SAGE at the SCENT-re of it all, full of BEANS and cool as a CUCUMBER, getting us out of whatever PICKLES we find ourselves in.
VOLUPTUA crosses the roof and joins VALENTIN in Philoproximusâ house through the skylight.
DEXTER: And my mistress, who elevated herself from such humble beginnings, that SELF-RAISING FLOUR, that ANGEL, DELIGHTing all that do meet her, she continues to PEAR up and play âHide The SAUSAGEâ wi...
Table of contents
- Cover
- Half-title Page
- Title Page
- Copyright
- Contents
- Dedication
- Act The First
- Act The Second