The Hypocrite

Richard Bean

• Publisher: Oberon Books
• Year: 2017
• Print ISBN: 9781786820839
• eBook ISBN: 9781786820846
• Edition: 1
• Topic: Literature
• Subtopic: British Drama
• Index: Literature

A riotous new comedy from award-winning playwright Richard Bean, author of One Man, Two Guvnors. April 1642. Sir John Hotham, Governor of Hull, is charged by Parliament to secure the arsenal at Hull and deny entry to King Charles I. If only it were that simple. With a Royalist siege outside the city walls and the rebellion of the mob within, Civil War seems inevitable and losing his head more than probable.

Act Two

SCENE ONE

Hull, inside the walls. Busy with soldiers, and trained band members, traders, costermongers, prostitutes, fish wives. The RANTER sings.

ENFRANCHISE ME

WHEN ADAM DELVED AND EVE SPAN
WHERE WAS THEN THE GENTLEMAN?
FROM WHERE DID THE ENTITLED START TO CRAWL?
THESE LANDED MEN THAT GOT NO SHAME,
THE LONG AND SHORT – NOT IN MY NAME
THEIR PARLIAMENT DON’T STAND FOR ME AT ALL.

OH OH ENFRANCHISE ME
OH OH GIVE ME A CHOICE
OH OH ENFRANCHISE ME
ALL I WANT’S A VOICE.

FOR YEARS WE BATTLE FLOOD AND DROUGHT,
THE BASTARDS LEAVE US LESS THAN NOWT.
THEY TAKE OUR LAND AND THEN THEY ASK FOR RENT.
THE BETTER PART DECIDE WHAT’S WHAT
THE GREATER PART ACCEPT THEIR LOT
THE NINETY-NINE RULED BY THE ONE PERCENT.

OH OH ENFRANCHISE ME
OH OH GIVE ME A CHOICE
OH OH ENFRANCHISE ME
ALL I WANT’S A VOICE

TO SAY “ENOUGH, NO MORE STATE TRICKS.”
REJECT THE VILLAINS’ POLITICS.
TO SERVE NO ONE BUT HIM I CHOOSE.
I’VE LITTLE LEFT BUT LIFE TO LOSE.

OH OH ENFRANCHISE ME
OH OH GIVE ME A CHOICE
OH OH ENFRANCHISE ME

ALL I WANT’S A VOICE
ALL I WANT’S A VOICE
ALL I WANT’S A VOICE

SWEET LIPS is soliciting and propositioning soldiers.

SWEET LIPS: D’yer want me to polish your gun soldier boy?

SOLDIER: How much?

SWEET LIPS: By hand, a farthing; lips, an ’apenny; full fanny horizontal, three farthings; anal, a penny.

SOLDIER: By hand will suffice.

He gives her the gun.

SWEET LIPS: Why have you given me the gun?

SOLDIER: Sorry, I think there’s been a misunderstanding.

Enter SIR JOHN with DURAND.

SIR JOHN: They’re a funny looking lot, Hull folk. Tattooed, bald, unshaven. I couldn’t commend the men either.

Enter CAPTAIN JACK at pace with CAPTAIN MOYER.

JACK: Father! Meet Achilles.

SIR JOHN: Congratulations on slaying Hector.

MOYER: Captain Moyer, sir. The arsenal is secure and well defended.

SIR JOHN: Do you know any arsenals anywhere where one can just wander in and take what you like?

MOYER: No sir.

SIR JOHN: Don’t look so pleased with yourself then.

MOYER: Sir, there were four soldiers on each watch, and I’ve increased that number twofold.

SIR JOHN: Not enough. Each watch needs at least eight men.

DURAND: Father, twofold four is eight.

SIR JOHN: In Oxford maybe, but this is Hull. With how much ease can we defend this town Captain Moyer?

MOYER: ’ull is defended by the ’umber on the south and the river to the east.

SIR JOHN: What’s the river called?

MOYER: The River ’ull.

SIR JOHN: Bit fancy.

MOYER: I’ve stationed batteries before the Myton, Beverley, and North Gates, and the forts on the East of the river are all armed with canon.

SIR JOHN: Good, well done, take the week off.

JACK: No father, there is no respite! There is a cuckoo in the nest.

SIR JOHN: A cuckoo?

JACK: The King’s feared and bloodthirsty cavalry officer, Prince Rupert, the royalist commander of horse, is in town, somewhere, hiding.

SIR JOHN: Hide and seek, and the other fellah’s got a horse. Shouldn’t be too difficult.

MOYER: They say he can kill a man with his bare feet.

JACK: During the thirty years war, abandoned and starving in a dungeon he ate a human liver to survive.

SIR JOHN: His own or someone else’s?

MOYER: His first priority is to capture the arsenal, or, failing that, he might deny the use of the munitions by Parliament with the use of incendiaries.

SIR JOHN: Or, a third option, he might set fire to it.

MOYER: Yes sir.

SIR JOHN: What would happen to eighteen tons of gunpowder in a fire?

MOYER: We’d all be blown to hell and back sir.

SIR JOHN: You can come back, I’m not.

MOYER: The English Civil War could start today, in Hull. If Rupert –

SIR JOHN: – What does he look like?

MOYER: He’s German sir, bit of a dandy, wears feathers.

SIR JOHN: Just feathers? Nothing else?

MOYER: ...

Table of contents

• Cover
• Half-title Page
• Title Page
• Copyright
• Contents
• Acknowledgements
• Characters
• Prologue
• Act One
• Act Two
• Act Three
• Act Four
• Act Five