Where There's a Will

George Feydeau, Nicki Frei

• Publisher: Oberon Books
• Year: 2016
• Print ISBN: 9781840023787
• eBook ISBN: 9781783197927
• Edition: 1
• Topic: Literature
• Subtopic: British Drama
• Index: Literature

Angele has learned from her first husband that no man can be trusted when it comes to other women. This goes for Ribadier, her current husband, too. He may be a high principled politician, but Ribadier believes it's no less than his right to enjoy a little extra marital fun. When an old school friend turns up Ribadier promises to tutor him in the tricks which will lead to his heart's desire. What he doesn't know is that his friend's heart's desire is Angele, his own wife!

ACT TWO

Scene 1

ANGÈLE is still asleep in the dim room. At the window, illuminated by the moonlight, a silhouette appears climbing lithely up to the balcony. Outside the balustrade still, GUSMAN leans across and pushes against the French window which opens easily.

GUSMAN: Sophie didn’t forget! I knew she wouldn’t. Lust pricked her on… Right! Leg over!

GUSMAN throws a leg over the balustrade. Swivelling round to bring over the second leg, something catches on the wrought iron.

Oh, hang on, I’m caught…

Impatiently he pulls away; the sound of material being torn.

I’ve torn it. Oh, well, all in a good cause…

GUSMAN enters, looking and feeling for the tear but he can’t find it in the gloom.

It’s bloody dark in here. Ah! The lamp’s not quite out…

He steps carefully towards the lamp and falls over ANGÈLE asleep in the armchair. She doesn’t stir. GUSMAN feels his way round her prone figure.

Hell!… What is it? Something warm… Breathing!… Oh, it’s the dog… slipped in here somehow… (stroking and patting) Naughty girl! There, there. Sssh! Good dog…

GUSMAN creeps on tiptoe to the door.

Phew! Lucky the bitch didn’t bite me… bumping into her like that…

GUSMAN tries the door: it’s locked. Incredulous, he rattles the handle and slaps the door with the flat of his hand. ANGÈLE stirs. GUSMAN whips round in alarm.

Stay. Stay. Good girl! (very frustrated) Aaargh!

GUSMAN paces a moment in thought: a solution strikes him

Ah, the drainpipe!

(making his way back to the window) Good thing Sophie’s room’s at the back…

(on the balcony; looking up) Light’s on. Right, here goes…

GUSMAN starts his climb. The stage remains still for a moment. Then, at the window, another silhouette appears also making the ascent to the first floor. Unlike GUSMAN, THOMMEREUX is clearly finding the climb quite a struggle. Much puffing and grunting. He finally makes it to the far side of the balustrade where he stops to catch his breath.

THOMMEREUX: Good Lord! The window’s wide open. I only left it ajar. Wind, I suppose… Well, whatever, the game’s afoot and time is short!

THOMMEREUX makes to jump the balustrade but falls back on the same side. He clutches at his heart.

Ouf! My heart! It’s knocking against my ribs… bursting with passion!… Well, I hope that’s what it is… Right, come along! Courage! One last push…

The clock rings nine.

Nine o’clock! The hour between the lap-dog and the wolf… Better get on with it, Thommereux!

He clambers over the balustrade with some difficulty.

Ouf! There we are!… I’m quite the Romeo - scaling walls, climbing through windows… Nothing above the first floor… That’s quite high enough. Even Romeo might have thought twice if Juliet’s balcony had been five floors up.

THOMMEREUX turns up the lamp and carries it over to the sofa. He stands contemplating ANGÈLE for a moment.

Oh, if Ribadier could see me now… Actually, I’d rather he didn’t… because - and there’s no getting round this - I am behaving in the most despicable manner. It’s not on, you know, to cuckold a man when living under his roof… Still, it happens… She’s so beautiful! Look at her! As exquisite as any Michaelangelo Madonna… I should deny myself… No… No… I can’t. No bonds of friendship can restrain me…

THOMMEREUX puts the lamp down on a table.

‘Ribadier!’ I’ll cry, ‘Don’t strike! Hear me out! A single word will exonerate me! Love! I love your wife; I must have her!’

THOMMEREUX falls to his knees before the sleeping angel.

Oh, Angèle!… My Angèle!… It’s me! No, no… Don’t push me away!…

(to himself) God, I’m stupid! She’s asleep! Can’t hear a word… (calling) Angèle!

He shakes her gently, then rather more forcibly.

ANGÈLE! Good Lord! Talk about Sleeping Beauty… I can’t make love to her while she’s unconscious! Well… No. Of course I can’t!… ANGÈLE!!!… Nothing!…

(getting up slowly) What can I do? Think! My pistol! A few gunshots should do it… No, I don’t think it will… Plus I’d stir up the whole house and damage the ceiling! Think!… Of course, how silly I am… Ribadier left me with instructions. ‘Blow on her hands and she wakes up none the wiser.’ Blowing does the job. Here goes…

He takes ANGÈLE’s hands and blows on them.

Angèle!

ANGÈLE: Where am I? Oh, Good Lord, I fell asleep again. Why do I keep doing that?

THOMMEREUX falls painfully to his knees again.

THOMMEREUX: Ow!… Angèle!

THOMMEREUX puts his head in her lap and rubs his sore knees.

My Angèle!

ANGÈLE: (pushing him off) You! You, here!

THOMMEREUX: Yes, yes. It’s me. No, no. Don’t push me away. I’m tortured by guilt… Oh, to hell with petty bourgeois convention! Angèle, I love you!

ANGÈLE: (getting up) You’re mad! What are you doing? Where’s my husband?

ANGÈLE moves away. THOMMEREUX shuffles after her on his knees.

THOMMEREUX: Don’t worry. He’s gone out.

ANGÈLE: Where?

THOMMEREUX: To buy some cigars. He’d run out.

ANGÈLE: Oh, for Heaven’s sake, get up! He’ll be back any moment. The tobacconist’s just next door.

THOMMEREUX: No, we’ve lots of time. He went to the Cuban place. They’re stale, the ones they sell next door… Ah, Angèle!… I beg you! Listen to me!

ANGÈLE: You’re insane. I won’t hear a word.

THOMMEREUX: You must! Sweep conscience aside! Listen to your heart! I love you. You love me!

ANGÈLE: No. I don’t love you.

THOMMEREUX: Y...

Table of contents

• Front Cover
• Half-Title Page
• Title Page
• Copyright Page
• Contents
• Characters
• Act One
• Act Two
• Act Three