Part I: Responding to the Call
Prologue: When I Kept Silent
Laura Jean Truman
Laura Jean Truman is a queer writer, preacher, and former chaplain and pastor living in Atlanta, Georgia. She holds a BA in philosophy from the University of New Hampshire and an MDiv from Candler School of Theology. She supports her itinerant chaplaining, writing, and eternally optimistic church planting by slinging drinks at a historic bar in downtown Atlanta. This reflection was originally written on November 27, 2016, three Sundays after Donald Trumpās electoral college victory.
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āAlas, Sovereign Lord,ā I said, āI do not know how to speak; I am too young!ā
Jeremiah 1:6 (NIV)
I used to work as a chaplain at an elderly residential facility and rehab hospital in Atlanta. I was there on December 28, 2015, the day that the police officer who killed Tamir Rice was not indicted. I was scheduled to preach to a community of little old black ladies who marched in Alabama for civil rights, and little old white ladies who practiced racism as a daily ritual.
I havenāt ever felt so young, ever, ever, as when I stood up to preach. I looked at all these people who leaned on me for spiritual care and guidance, and a fear/anger/sadness/anxiety ball sunk in my stomach, because oh Jesus this little white girl from one of the whitest states in the U.S. who has only just barely graduated seminary is not prepared to do this. Letās just skip this subject and preach something else, because what I was holding felt too heavy and too fragile for me to lift and not shatter.
I want to start by clarifying that this is not a story of me wildly succeeding as a White Savior to end racism in the course of a nine-minute sermon. And itās definitely not a story of me mastering how to talk about oppression when the oppressed and the oppressor are both in the room with me. Itās not even a story about me owning my spiritual authority and leaning into my female empowerment as a pastor.
Iām not really sure what this story is about, but ever since the presidential election I canāt stop thinking about all those elderly faces watching me, and how it felt to talk about evil when we all disagree about what evil is.
I started work at the nursing home in August of 2015, and by December, I was excelling at ducking and dodging all sensitive topics with my congregation. It was a politically and racially diverse hospital, which seemed like a really good reason to just talk about āJesus Loves Meā all the time. I avoided taking a stand like it was my job (I may have actually told folks this was my job). I was Chaplain Laura Jean for the middle-aged Midwestern white man as well as the black trans woman on suicide watch. My work was to be present to every member of the community, to love well, to listen well, to hold them up in prayer, and when preaching, to preach the gospel of grace and the unfailing, unrelenting, unstoppable love of God through Jesus Christ.
I had underestimated a really central part of life in the nursing home. Everyone, of every political, religious, ethnic, racial identity, was watching the news. Nonstop. There isnāt a whole lot to do in a nursing home except play bingo (not a stereotype! We loved bingo!), sing old Broadway musicals (my favorite unofficial chaplain position was Broadway pianist), and watch the news. Every time I knocked on a door and walked into someoneās room, people talked about politics. People wanted to talk to the chaplain about the primaries and the next yearās general election and about the immigrants and about the urban crime and police violence and the gay agenda and racist politicians. So I listened super well to everyone, and asked good questions, and worked hard to be present to every member of the community.
Every week, I got up and I preached on Monday and Tuesday and Wednesday to a racially mixed community about trusting God, faith in light of physical sickness, God as reconciler of relationships, Jesus as comforter to our loneliness, unrelenting grace for our own sins of resentment and fear and greed. And every week, in peopleās cramped, barren hospital rooms, I listened to the patter of anxiety while TVs ran in the background like a morbid soundtrackāprayers and reflections punctuated by CNN and an endless loop of gunshots and shaky cameras and black bodies dying in the road.
Then, the week after Christmas, a grand jury declined to indict the police officer who killed Tamir Rice, a 12-year-old black boy playing with a toy gun. The police officer pulled up in his car and shot him dead. The official record states it was less than two seconds after his arrival on the scene. The officer did not go to trial. Tamir was a little boy who likely hadnāt even hit his growth spurt yet. He was still young enough that he probably wasnāt embarrassed to be seen at the grocery store with his mom. We know that he liked to draw and play drums.
What I had started to feel somewhere in my gut was suddenly out loud and in my face. I had worked so hard to ābe present to every member of the communityā by avoiding difficult issues in public. That week I realized that my avoidance was also a statementāa statement of non-presence to my black residents. My silence said that both sides of the issue of racism had equal weight and that as a spiritual leader I was committed to letting evil hide as long as it was uncomfortable for me talk about. I had chosen the most vulnerable members of my congregation, and had decided that Iād address their fear and sorrow and anger privately, just in case I unsettled a cart of apples that I didnāt have the skills to re-bag.
I had another sermon prepared that day and I threw it away. I sat in my car outside the building I worked in, and cried, and prayed, and looked at my watch because I had to walk into that building in 45 minutes to preach a sermon to my brokenhearted and oppressed and racist and lonely congregation.
There are times in a preacherās life when the lectionary is more than just a convenience, itās a sacred mandate. I went scrabbling to the lectionary to throw me a line and keep me from drowning, and the text for the week was Matthew 2:13ā23. āThe Slaughter of the Innocents.ā
When Herod saw that he had been tricked by the wise men, he was infuriated, and he sent and killed all the children in and around Bethlehem who were two years old or under, according to the time that he had learned from the wise men. Then was fulfilled what had been spoken through the prophet Jeremiah: āA voice was heard in Ramah, wailing and loud lamentation, Rachel weeping for her children; she refused to be consoled, because they are no more.ā (Mt. 2:16ā18)
Little boys, innocent children who didnāt know the geopolitical scene they were born into, didnāt know that they represented something terrifying and threatening to the powerful, didnāt know that they werenāt just ālittle childrenā but symbols of a deadly threat to the oppressor, little boys taken down in the streets by an insecure regime terrified of what they signified. Mothers weeping, because they didnāt lose a symbol but their babies. Oppression driven by rage and above all, by fear. And always itās the babies, the innocent, the harmless, the different, the unarmed, that are shot down in the streets.
A voice is heard in Ramah, weeping and great mourning, Rachel weeping for her children and refusing to be comforted, because they are no more. The sorrow of black women and mothers and sisters, right here, in our sacred text.
I wrote my sermon on the back of a charting clipboard, and I donāt have it anymore. What I remember most is how scared I was when I stood up. It would have been easier to preach to homogenyāto my seminarian friends, to the college ministry group, to the small liberal church plant. It was terrifying to preach to a room of beautiful ancient black women that I loved, that I was scared to betray by saying the wrong thing; and a room full of beautiful ancient white women who grew up in the South as far back as the 1920s and whose racism was rooted as deeply in their hearts as their identityāand who I also loved, loved, loved so much.
What I preached that day was probably 80 percent wrong, unhelpful, overly self-righteous, or overly capitulating. I āspoke of things that I did not understandā and spoke to people that I barely understood.
But I did speak. Too late, too young, too wrong, too complex, overly simplifiedābut none of those things were silence.
Scripture gives us a lot of ways to speak. Itās rich with language for calling angry judgment on pastors and priests (Malachi), mocking authorities with potty humor (Elijah: āLOL, maybe your God is on the toilet heheā), for performance art as activism (Jeremiah), for calling rulers to repentance with metaphors (Nathan), for answering questions in the dead of night with the religious leaders (Jesus), and also for calling religious leaders names (also Jesus). The only thing that is not a powerful force against injustice in scripture is silence.
The only thing that is not a powerful force against injustice in scripture is silence.
Iām going to get it wrong. Youāre also going to get it wrong. Iāve already gotten it wrong a ridiculous amount of times and Iām not even to my 30s yet. Some days Iāll be too gentle toward evil, and some days Iāll be too self-righteous toward humans made in the image of God. Iām going to be angry when I should be listening well, and listen silently when I should be angry at injustice. Iām going to get called out, sometimes kindly and sometimes angrily, by people that I hurt when I get it wrong. And Iām going to have to learn how to humbly course-correct myself when Iām called out, so that I keep learning how to speak, when to speak, and what to say.
These are weird and confusing and ev...