Buyer & Cellar

The Original Script for the Off Broadway Hit

Jonathan Tolins

• Publisher: Diversion Books
• Year: 2014
• ISBN:
  9781626813984
• Topic: Medios de comunicación y artes escénicas
• Subtopic: Teatro

The original script of the award-winning off-Broadway play—"irresistibly entertaining [and] surprisingly moving" (Paul Rudnick). Alex More has a story to tell. A struggling actor in LA, he takes a job working in the Malibu basement of a beloved megastar. One day, the Lady Herself comes downstairs to play. It feels like real bonding in the basement—but will their relationship ever make it upstairs? A winner of the Lucille Lortel Award for Outstanding Solo Show, Buyer & Cellar is an outrageous comedy about the price of fame, the cost of things, and the oddest of odd jobs. "Jonathan Tolins has concocted an irresistible one-man play from the most peculiar of fictitious premises... This seriously funny slice of absurdist whimsy creates the illusion of a stage filled with multiple people, all of them with their own droll point of view." — The New York Times "A gorgeous play: funny and beautifully observed and richly insightful." —Moisés Kaufman "Tolins's writing is smart, sharp, and hilarious—and he paints a vivid picture that even a perfectionist like Barbra would have to applaud." —James Lapine

Buyer & Cellar

(In the dark, MUSIC: the opening phrase of “The Way We Were,” sung by Barbra Streisand. LIGHTS UP on ALEX MORE, somewhere north of 30, listening for a moment before he addresses the audience.)

ALEX

“Memories light the corners of my mind.” Of course, the brain is basically round, so technically it has no corners. At least if you go by the first definition of “corner” in the dictionary, “where two lines or edges meet to form an angle,” which is the first thing one generally thinks of when hearing the word “corner.” The metaphor only really works with the fifth definition, “a remote, secluded, or secret place,” which is probably what it means. And what she wanted.

(He thinks a moment, then gets down to business.)

ALEX (CONT’D)

Before I tell you this story, we need to get a few things straight. First, this is a work of fiction. You know that, right? I mean, the premise is preposterous. What I’m going to tell you could not possibly have happened with a person as famous, talented, and litigious as Barbra Streisand. This is not journalism. There will be no excerpts on This American Life. I’m an actor. Perhaps you know my work. And this is a play written by a guy named Jon who only met her once. She came to see another play he wrote and before it started, she offered him a piece of her KitKat bar. And to this day, he regrets not taking it. He was afraid of making a mess. But enough about him; nobody cares.

The second thing you need to know is that I don’t “do” her. I don’t do impressions in general. And anyway, enough people do her—even some women—so you don’t need me to. When I tell you about the conversations we had—which never really took place—I’ll just be her and you can fill in the rest.

None of this is real. I don’t exist. What does exist…is this book.

(He hoists a copy of My Passion for Design by Barbra Streisand.)

ALEX (CONT’D)

My Passion for Design by Barbra Streisand. Published by Viking, out in time for Christmas 2010. It says so right here in the back, under the photography credits that begin with “Principal Photography by Barbra Streisand.” I know, “How’d she get her?”

According to the front flap, My Passion for Design is Barbra’s…

(reading)

“…account of the creation and construction of her newest home—the dream refuge she has longed for since the days when she shared a small Brooklyn apartment with her mother, brother, and grandparents, and a culmination and reflection of her love of American architecture and design from the eighteenth to the twentieth centuries.” This is some serious shit, and we’ll get into it.

But what most concerns us begins on page 190.

(reading)

“Underground…a basement??…No…a street.” Here’s the deal. After decades of fame and fortune and unbridled acquisition, Barbra has a lot of stuff. Who doesn’t? But Barbra didn’t want some run-of-the-mill basement to keep it all in. Barbra doesn’t like run-of-the-mill anything, although she does, in fact, run a mill…

(He shows the picture, pages 10–11, then cites the chapter on…)

…page 44. No, Barbra wanted something special. Let us quote the relevant passage…

(reading from the book)

“I had another idea for this space. Why not do a street of shops like I had seen at Winterthur?”

(looking up from the book)

Jon had to look it up, too. Winterthur is some decorative arts museum in Delaware. We’re supposed to know that.

(back to the book)

“In one section of the museum, they recreated all these little stores…a china shop, a country store…just the way they would have looked in the early 1800s. And then they used them to display various collections. Wouldn’t it be fun to do somethin...