The Power of Curiosity

How to Have Real Conversations That Create Collaboration, Innovation and Understanding

Kathy Taberner, Kirsten Taberner Siggins

• Publisher: Morgan James Publishing
• Year: 2015
• ISBN:
  9781630473952
• Topic: Betriebswirtschaft
• Subtopic: Leadership

Use the power of curiosity to transform challenging conversations into productive, meaningful, relationship-building experiences at work, home, or school. As leaders, parents, or teachers, navigating difficult conversations is part of the job. How do we keep calm and achieve a productive outcome, all while keeping our relationships intact? The secret is curiosity. Curiosity is the innovation-driving, emotion-calming skill that comes so naturally to us as children, but gets so easily buried beneath our busy, multitasking lifestyles. The good news is that we simply have to relearn what we already know!
In The Power of Curiosity, mother-daughter executive coaching team Kathy Taberner and Kirsten Taberner-Siggins walk you through the Curiosity Skills and introduce a step-by-step process to use anytime—but especially when challenging conversations arise. In The Power of Curiosity you'll learn:

• How to be fully present in every conversation, even when distractions abound
• The five listening choices you always have available at home, work, or school
• Specific calming strategies to access when negative emotions run high

A step-by-step process to transform potential conflict into relationship-building opportunities.

Part One

THE CURIOSITY SKILLS

CHAPTER 1

WHY CURIOSITY?

I have no special talents. I am only passionately curious.
Albert Einstein

As kids, we are all curious. Kids are constantly asking questions, wanting to solve problems, looking for new possibilities. All because they are curious, wanting to learn more. Curiosity is a childhood survival skill; it’s how they learn, test their assumptions, become open to new perspectives, push the boundaries of what they are capable of, make mistakes, and do things they (and often we) never thought were possible. As kids, time is a limitless commodity, and the present is the only place to be.

But somewhere along the way, as we grow into adulthood, we lose our sense of curiosity. Is it when our parents become frustrated with our millions of questions—as they’re thinking about other things in their lives and are not present in the moment—and tell us to stop asking them or make us feel bad for asking them? Is it when our teachers, who don’t have the time or means to answer the myriad of questions thrown at them, dismiss these questions or make us feel we aren’t smart enough because we don’t already know the answer?

Sadly, however it happens, curiosity in adulthood is hard to find. We live in a time-pressured world, always anticipating what is coming next with little time to be curious about what is happening now.

A recent Globe and Mail (BC) interview with Brigid Schulte, author of Overwhelmed: Work, Love, and Play: When No One Has the Time, pointed out that North Americans feel they are time constrained, which impacts their ability to be curious.¹ Our offices are now our homes; our homes are now our offices. Technology tracks our every move, “connecting” us with friends on social media. Expectations of people are high, and people are trying to do everything at once. As a consequence, our communication is brief and our instructions shallow, leaving little room for listening, inquiry, and understanding.

But curiosity shouldn’t be something we grow out of. In fact, curiosity has been recognized as one of the most important skills needed by a leader today. In 2011, Forbes recognized curiosity as “the one trait all innovative leaders share,” using the success of Steve Jobs as an example: “Jobs wasn’t curious because he wanted to be successful. He became successful because he was so curious.”²

What Is Curiosity?

Curiosity is one of the great secrets of happiness.
Bryant H. McGill

What does curiosity mean, and why is it so important? We think of curiosity as exploration: being inquisitive, seeking to learn and understand. Some associate curiosity with being nosy. After all, aren’t we being nosy if we are curious about another person, asking personal questions? We believe there is a difference between the two. Nosy people ask questions and proceed to judge the answers provided. Their intention is not to learn about the other person, but to compare, perhaps wanting to determine who is better or worse. In contrast, true curiosity holds no judgment. It is about exploring and learning with the goal of greater understanding, which is free from judging. When curious people ask a question, their only intention is to better understand, whether it is another person, an idea, a place, an origin, or anything that creates an interest in further exploration.

We are, in fact, wired for curiosity as human beings. Findings in neuroscience have confirmed that when we are curious about something, the hormones dopamine and oxytocin, our natural “feel good” chemicals, are released in our brains. Not only do these hormones make us feel good, they also create a connection between the heart and the brain that leads to a greater sense of openness. As a result, we experience a greater sense of connection with others, which supports the creation of a new, shared reality based on understanding.³

A New Communication Paradigm

Of course, curiosity does more than make us feel good. As we mentioned in the Introduction, we believe it can help us successfully navigate our transition from the hierarchical Industrial Era to the more collaborative Information Age. Specifically, curiosity can form the basis of a new communication paradigm that helps us create the conversations we need to better understand other perspectives and view increased diversity as a positive opportunity rather than a challenge or a threat. This new communication paradigm can help fuel innovation in any context, whether it’s organizations wanting collaboration, innovation, inspiration, transparency, and engagement from their employees, or parents wanting to avoid making the same “mistakes” their parents made with them.

Before we get into the specific skills of curiosity this new communication paradigm includes, let’s take a closer look at the specific communication shifts we need to make and how curiosity can fuel these shifts.

Old Communication Paradigm	New Communication Paradigm
Telling	Asking
Judging	Accepting
Blaming	Non-blaming
Excluding	Including
One perspective	Diverse perspectives

Shift from Telling to Asking

Based on our experience with our clients, telling is the most common approach to leadership, parenting, and conversing with others. People love to tell others what to do; they believe providing advice is “helpful,” even if the advice is not requested. Telling worked in the Industrial Era because it was hierarchal in structure. This communication style implied the teller inherently had valuable information to provide and knew the correct solution, suggesting the recipient of the advice was less knowledgeable than the teller. In the Information Age, people have more equal access to knowledge and, with the help of technology, are generally able to find their own solutions. If someone wants advice, they will ask for it. In general, telling is no longer well received. It can be perceived as lacking in respect, narrowing opportunities and shutting down possibilities by implying that the individual is incapable of solving a problem.

When Telling Is Useful: There are times, however, where telling is important and needed. Professionals who have years of training are sought out for their knowledge and expertise. They are expected to tell, advise, or prescribe. It is why people hire them. However, transferring this approach to conversations with colleagues or family is less effective, once again implying (whether intentionally or not) they are better or wiser than the person being offered the advice.

As an occupational therapist and physician coach, I (Kathy) have worked a great deal in the healthcare industry and find healthcare professionals are effective tellers when diagnosing, prescribing for, and working with patients. Unfortunately, there is a tendency to use this same approach in meetings with colleagues. For example, some of my coaching clients with leadership roles in the healthcare industry notice, when chairing meetings, their teams tend to move very quickly through meeting agendas. The first one to speak offers a solution, and others tend to accept this solution and want to move on to the next item without discussion. At the same time, others don’t say a word, even though these leaders know those individuals have great ideas and could contribute if given an opportunity.

How can leaders incorporate curiosity into such a situation? As they begin to use their Curiosity Skills, they shift from telling to asking open questions that encourage dialogue and the generation of ideas. As a result, their team is able to create better solutions—solutions their team will willingly buy into and be accountable for. Some leaders even create agendas where each item is stated as an open question, encouraging everyone to be curious about the issues at hand and contribute to the conversation.

Curiosity provides leaders an opportunity to approach conversations differently, as equal participants who want to better understand others, not just tell them what to do—directly meeting the needs of leadership today. Telling is such an important communication characteristic that we have devoted an entire chapter to it (chapter 4), where we will show you how to use the Curiosity Skill of asking open questions, giving you a deeper understanding of when to ask and when to tell.

Shifting from Judging to Accepting

“Don’t judge me!” is an expression we hear so frequently these days. We find people in our society are becoming super aware of when they are being judged and are speaking out, often defiantly. So why do we judge?

For most people, judging is a coping mechanism used to ensure they see themselves as better than (or less than) others. It helps people differentiate themselves. Such situations can occur every day when the “gremlin” voice inside their heads is constantly criticizing others, deciding their way, their style, or their expression is better or worse than another’s. It helps people feel superior or inferior, which for some is needed to thrive. We see it as a throwback to the Industrial Era when we all thought in hierarchal terms.

Let’s use a practical example. Imagine you are a leader of a team, and a team member has submitted a report you feel is shockingly bad. It’s incomplete, inaccurate, and you are embarrassed to have a team member submit such work to you. You know they can do better than this. You ask your team member to meet with you and the conversation goes something like this:

Leader: “You have written a really bad report. In fact, it is incomplete, inaccurate, and just plain useless.”

Team member: “I am sorry. I thought I had written exactly what you told me to write.”

Leader: “No, you obviously did not listen. This is full of mistakes and the format is all wrong. I can’t believe you did such a sloppy job. Go and do it again. See if you can be smarter this time!”

As the leader, how are you feeling? How do you think this team member is feeling? How have you supported this team member to write a better report? Have you engaged your team member, or inspired them to improve? How productive do you think this team member will be moving forward?

Now, as the leader, imagine that rather than judging this team member’s work, you chose to be curious about the reasons she completed it this way.

Leader: “I have just read your report, and I don’t think it is up to par. What do you think of it?

Team member: “I am not sure what I think about it. Although I thought a different approach might be more effective, I decided I should use the one suggested at our last meeting.”

Leader: “What source did you use to obtain the information you included?”

Team member: “I retrieved all the information from our files on the cloud.”

Leader: “I am wondering—how accurate do you think the information is on our cloud?”

Team member: “I found the information to be outdated. I think I can contact the other managers and ask them to provide me with their current information, which will be more accurate.”

Leader: “What format did you use?”

Team member: “The format used was the one agreed to at the last meeting. How would you like to see the report formatted?”

Leader: “I am not sure. I want the information to be easy to read and presented so I can easily look at both years and see what has changed.”

Team member: “It sounds as if you want to be able to easily compare one year to another. I have a different format I have been playing with and can show you if you want. I think it provides the information in a more user-friendly way that better meets your needs.”

Leader: “I would appreciate seeing the other format. I like the idea of going directly to the other managers. When do you think you can have a revised report on my desk?”

Team member: “I will send you a copy of my suggested format and circulate it to the other managers for their input, if you like. I should be able to get the information from each of them in the next three days and have the revised report on your desk by the end of the week, provided the format is agreed upon.”

Leader: “Sounds good. I would appreciate you forwarding me your suggested format as soon as possible, and I agree the other managers should see it. Thanks.”

As the leader, what did you notice? How do you think this team member is feeling now?

Looking at the two examples above, which example is most in line with your leadership style?

While the second conversation took slightly longer, it had a very different outcome. Each became curious about how they arrived at the place where the repor...