Polish Joke

And Other Plays

David Ives

• Publisher: Grove Press
• Year: 2007
• ISBN:
  9780802199201
• Topic: Literature
• Subtopic: American Drama
• Index: Literature

A collection of four works from the American playwright known as "wizardly... magical and funny... a master of language" ( The New York Times ). This collection brings together four full-length plays from the same dazzling pen that produced the one-act comic masterpieces of All in the Timing. Polish Joke is about a young Polish-American's trip through ethnic stereotypes. Nine-year-old Midwesterner Jan Bogdan Sadlowski, nicknamed Jasiu, is told by his uncle that Poles are thought to be "backward, stupid, inept, and gloomy." The only way out is for Jasiu "to impersonate someone not Polish." In Don Juan in Chicago, a Renaissance innocent makes a deal with the devil, only to become a reluctant Latin lover. Ancient History is a comedy-drama about the holy war that breaks out when two people from two very different cultures fall in love. The Red Address paints a searing portrait of a man with a secret who is forced by tragedy into self-revelation. Praise for David Ives "A pitcher with a great many tricks up his sleeve. He throws like an all-star... mixing comedic moods and styles with a dizzying assortment of changeups." — The New York Times Polish Joke "Ives skillfully climbs the slippery slope of political incorrectness without a single mean-spirited stumble." — CurtainUp Don Juan in Chicago "Ives invents an irresistible premise and has fun making good on its promise." — Los Angeles Times Ancient History "A riveting theatrical experience." — Show Business The Red Address
"Mix Glengarry Glen Ross with Glen or Glenda ... A tough-talking drama that mixes business sharks, blackmail, cross-dressing and murder." — Variety

DON JUAN IN CHICAGOThis play is for Casey Childs

Don Juan in Chicago premiered in New York City in March 1995, at Primary Stages (Casey Childs, artistic director). The play was directed by Robert Stanton; sets were by Bob Phillips; lighting was by Deborah Constantine; costumes were by Jennifer von Mayrhauser; music and sound design were by David van Tieghem; props were by Deirdre Brennan; fight direction was by B. H. Barry; and the production stage manager was Christine Catti. The cast was as follows:

DON JUAN	Simon Brooking
LEPORELLO	Larry Block
MEPHISTOPHELES	Peter Bartlett
DONA ELVIRA	J. Smith-Cameron
SANDY	Nancy Opel
TODD	T. Scott Cunningham
MIKE	Mark Setlock
ZOEY	Dina Spybey

ACT I

SCENE ONE

Seville, 1599. Lightning and thunder as lights come up on a chamber in Don Juan’s palace: a door to the outside, a door to the rest of the palace, and a window up right.

DON JUAN—thirty, handsome, wearing a severe black doublet and ruff—is mixing a blood-red liquid from a recipe in an enormous ancient tome. Bubbling alchemical flasks. A skull. A pentagram drawn on the floor. A wall of books.

DON JUAN Sanguis melanchrys bovis atque caput avis, incipite! Lingua serpentis et folium floris, commiscite!

(“Golden black blood of an ox and head of a bird, begin! Tongue of serpent and leaf of flower, mix together!”)

Louder lightning and thunder.

LEPORELLO (O.S.) Don Juan! Hello? (LEPORELLO enters with a food tray.) Don Juan, it’s the end of the world out there today!

DON JUAN It’s not the end, Leporello. It’s the beginning!

LEPORELLO Oh, forsooth? Well, a big red cloud just poured out ashes, burning sulfur, and snakes.

DON JUAN Excellent.

LEPORELLO And the ashes and the snakes—they fell only on this palace, Don Juan.

DON JUAN I’ll bet they did.

LEPORELLO The rest of Seville? Brilliant sunshine! Here? We got reptiles blowing in the windows!

DON JUAN (Consults book) “One speck of twilight, one virgin’s tear, set hourglass to five minutes and let simmer.”

LEPORELLO Question, master: This little alchemistry set here—this didn’t have anything to do with today’s reptilian drizzle …?

DON I’m calling up Satan.

LEPORELLO Oh, is that what’s up? The Prince of Darkness is dropping by?

DON Hence the ashes and the snakes. (Intoning over his alchemical mixture) Eeee-yong! Wonga wonga wonga wonga!

LEPORELLO My prince, how old are you these days?

DON JUAN Twenty-nine. No—thirty, now.

LEPORELLO Happy birthday. So you’re thirty, you’re rich, you also still have your virginity.

DON JUAN As far as I know.

LEPORELLO Mi amigo, the world is your cloister. Why don’t you pay your debt to biology and get yourself a girlfriend.

DON JUAN Life is too short for...