Miss Witherspoon and Mrs. Bob Cratchit's Wild Christmas Binge

Two Plays

Christopher Durang

• Publisher: Grove Press
• Year: 2007
• ISBN:
  9780802199690
• Topic: Literature
• Subtopic: American Drama
• Index: Literature

From one of theater's most outrageous comic talents, two plays—one a Pulitzer Prize in Drama finalist, the other a twisted take on Christmas classics. In this book, Christopher Durang, the criminally funny author of Sister Mary Ignatius Explains It All for You, presents two plays about death, religion, and a creamy Christmas pudding. In Miss Witherspoon —named one of the Ten Best Plays of 2005 by both Time and Newsday —Veronica, a recent suicide whose cantankerous attitude has not improved in the afterlife, discovers that the one thing worse than the world she left behind is having to go back for seconds. Ordered to cleanse her "brown tweedy aura, " Veronica resists being reincarnated (as a trailer-trash teen or an overexcited Golden Retriever), only to find that she may be mankind's last, best hope for survival. In Mrs. Bob Cratchit's Wild Christmas Binge, a sassy ghost once again attempts to shake Scrooge from his holiday humbug, but the whole family-friendly affair is deliciously derailed by Mrs. Cratchit's drunken insistence on stepping out of her miserable, treacly role. Morals are subverted, starving yet plucky children sing carols, and somebody's goose is cooked as Durang lovingly skewers A Christmas Carol, It's a Wonderful Life, and many more to create a brand-new, cracked Christmas classic.

MRS. BOB CRATCHIT’S
WILD CHRISTMAS BINGE

Mrs. Bob Cratchit’s Wild Christmas Binge was commissioned by City Theatre in Pittsburgh, and premiered on November 7, 2002. Tracy Brigden, Artistic Director; David Jobin, Managing Director; Kellee Van Aken, Artistic Associate. It was directed by Tracy Brigden; set design was by Jeff Cowie, costume design by Elizabeth Hope Clancy, lighting design by Rick Martin, sound design by Elizabeth Atkinson. Song lyrics by Christopher Durang and music by Michael Friedman. Music direction was by Douglas Levine, and musical staging was by Scott Wise. Production stage manager was Patti Kelly, and hair design was by Elsen Associates, Inc. The cast was:

The Ghost of Christmas Past/Present/and Future	January Murelli
Ebenezer Scrooge	Douglas Rees
Mrs. Bob Cratchit	Kristine Nielsen
Bob Cratchit	Martin Giles
Tiny Tim	Darren E. Focareta
Little Nell Cratchit	Sheila McKenna
Cratchit Child 1	Lauren Rose Gigliotti or Allison Hannon
Cratchit Child 2	Shane Jordan or Matt Lang
Gentlemen Collecting for Christmas (Kenneth Lay, Jeffrey Skilling)	Jeff Howell, Matthew Gaydos
Jacob Marley’s Ghost	Larry John Meyers
Young Jacob Marley	Lauren Rose Gigliotti or Allison Hannon
Young Ebenezer	Shane Jordan or Matt Lang
Mr. Fezziwig	Jeff Howell
Mrs. Fezziwig	Sheila McKenna
Fezziwig Daughters	Darren E. Focareta, Elena Passarello
The Beadle	Jeff Howell
The Beadle’s Wife	Sheila McKenna
Edvar	Matthew Gaydos
Hedvig	Elena Passarello
Bartender 1	Larry John Meyers
Bartender 2	Jeff Howell
Clarence (the angel)	Larry John Meyers
George Bailey	Matthew Gaydos
Zuzu Bailey	Lauren Rose Gigliotti or Allison Hannon
Monica (the angel)	Elena Passarello
The Nice Mrs. Cratchit	Elena Passarello
Serena the maid	Matthew Gaydos

CHARACTERS (in order of appearance)

Young Jacob Marley (child)

Young Ebenezer Scrooge (child)

The Ghost

Ebenezer Scrooge

Bob Cratchit

Tiny Tim

Mrs. Bob Cratchit

Child 1 (Cratchit Child)

Child 2 (Cratchit Child)

Gentleman 1

Gentleman 2

Jacob Marley

Mr. Fezziwig

Mrs. Fezziwig

The Beadle

The Beadle’s Wife

Edvar

Hedvig

Little Nell

Bartender

George

Zuzu

Clarence

The Nice Mrs. Cratchit

Lovely Irish Voice (woman)

Tess’s Voice

Serena, a maid

ACT 1

SCENE 1

Christmastime. Dickens look, 1840s. A street in London. Two YOUNG BOYS, dressed in coats, hats, and scarfs, stand next to each other. One boy is singing.

BOY 1 (singing sweetly)

Hark the Herald Angels sing

Glory to the new born king

BOY 2 (irritated, negative) Bah, humbug! Bah, humbug!

BOY 1 (singing)

Peace on earth, and mercy mild

BOY 2 Phooey! Christmas stinks! Kaplooey!

BOY 1 (singing)

God and sinner reconciled

BOY 2 Bah humbug! Get me a good hamburger!

BOY 1 (continues with the song softly)

Enter the GHOST —a striking, theatrical black woman. She addresses the audience.

GHOST Even as a child, young Ebenezer displayed a pronounced antipathy toward Christmas. (to Boy 2) Merry Christmas, Ebenezer.

YOUNG EBENEZER Bah humbug! Give me some Christmas pudding. I want to put bugs in your hair! Bah humbug!

GHOST In later centuries, we would probably identify Ebenezer’s repeated saying of “Bah humbug” as a kind of seasonal Tourette’s syndrome. However, in 1843, when our story is set, we hadn’t a clue what it meant—except he was a nasty little child.

YOUNG EBENEZER Bah humbug! I hate Christmas!

GHOST (to audience) Hello. I am the Ghost of Christmas Past, Present, and Yet To Come, including all media yet to be invented. If you get me on DVD you can click on Special Features, and see twenty-seven other hairdo choices I have. But we’re in a live theater presently, so you’ll just have to accept my hair as it is.

YOUNG EBENEZER I want to put bugs in your hair!

GHOST Children are so difficult, aren’t they? You should see them backstage. I’m so glad I’m a ghost and I don’t have any children.

BOY 1 I like Christmas carols, but my friend Ebenezer is slowly convincing me to hate Christmas.

GHOST (points to Boy 1) This is young Jacob Marley. And he and Ebenezer will grow up to run a business together.

YOUNG EBENEZER I want to be very wealthy.

YOUNG JACOB Me too!

GHOST Oh you kids. I’d like to take a strap to you. But all you politically correct types don’t like that. A good spanking never hurt a child, unless it got out of control and killed him, in which case it did. But I don’t want to kill these children, I just want to make them behave. (screams at the children) BEHAVE!!! AND HAVE A BETTER ATTITUDE ABOUT CHRISTMAS!

YOUNG EBENEZER I hate Christmas. Bah, humbug.

GHOST You have Tourette’s syndrome. You need to learn to be seen and not heard. (to audience) And now meet Ebenezer Scrooge, grown up.

Enter old EBENEZER SCROOGE. He is sour, grumpy, cranky.

Hello there, Mr. Scrooge. Merry Christmas to you.

EBENEZER SCROOGE Bah humbug! I’d like to put bugs in your hair!

GHOST Really, how strange. What kind of bugs?

EBENEZER SCROOGE Oh awful crawling kinds. Beetles. Spiders.

GHOST Uh-huh. Mr. Scrooge, I’d like you to meet your inner child.

EBENEZER SCROOGE What?

GHOST (to Young Ebenezer) Say hello to your grown-up self, Ebenezer.

YOUNG EBENEZER I hate you! (kicks him)

EBENEZER SCROOGE And I hate you, you little creep!

Ebenezer and Young Ebenezer struggle with each other. Young Jacob looks on, passively.

GHOST (to audience) What unpleasant people. I wonder if I’ll be able to make them appreciate the true meaning of Christmas before the end of the evening. What do you think? How many of you don’t care? Never mind, I don’t want to know. I have a job to do, and I’ve got to do it. Okay, you two, break it up.

EBENEZER SCROOGE You should be sent to the workhouse!

YOUNG EBENEZER You should be sent to a nursing home!

GHOST Isn’t it sad? Isn’t it poignant and ironic how much Mr. Scrooge’s younger and older selves hate each other? (to Young Ebenezer and Ebenezer) You’re dealing with self-hatred, you two, and you don’t even know it!

YOUNG JACOB Why don’t I have any lines?

GHOST Why does the sun come up in the morning?

YOUNG JACOB I don’t know.

GHOST Well, that’s why you don’t have any lines. Okay, enough of this scene. Let’s move on to the next one. Ready, Mr. Scrooge?

EBENEZ...