The Gospel & Parenting

Russell D. Moore, Andrew T. Walker

• Publisher: B&H Books
• Year: 2017
• Print ISBN: 9781433690440
• eBook ISBN: 9781433646560
• Topic: Theology & Religion
• Subtopic: Christian Theology

We live in a society of broken homes. Having parents in the home doesn't mean that parenting is actually happening. Parenting is a God-given task that ensures young children are protected and nurtured into maturity in the fear and admonition of the Lord. But America and the church faces a crisis of parenting: detached or absentee fathers, single mothers, and grandparents raising the next generation. What's more, how should parents actually parent? And what does the gospel have to say to the epidemic of family breakdown, and the difficult task of raising children well? So, what now? Editors Russell Moore and Andrew T. Walker of the Ethics and Religious Liberty Commission (ERLC) assemble leading voices to frame the issue with a gospel-centered perspective. The Gospel for Life series gives every believer a biblically-saturated understanding of the most urgent issues facing our culture today, because the gospel is for all of life.

Chapter

What Are We For?

Randy Stinson

In November of 2004 my wife and I were in an earthquake in Taipei, Taiwan. It was a first for us and, thankfully, the epicenter was far enough into the Pacific Ocean that there was very little damage. While that experience was disconcerting enough, it was the multiple aftershocks that we experienced over the next few days that really gave us pause. It wasn’t just the aftershocks; it was the way that the natives of Taipei responded. With thousands of people walking in the street, the tremor would hit, and nearly everyone kept walking as if nothing had happened.

Hardly anyone looked up to see if anything was falling. Hardly anyone stopped to even see what the response of others might be. Apparently something that is supposed to be a bone-jarring event can become so commonplace that it doesn’t even get a response. I don’t think you’re supposed to be able to get used to the ground shaking beneath your feet.

But that’s exactly what happened.

This is what often happens with regard to parenting in Christian circles. The air we breathe in an increasingly secularized culture can create an environment where we become accustomed to unbiblical philosophies that undermine our biblical worldview. Sometimes Christian parents want so desperately to be their child’s friend that they minimize discipline and boundaries. Their priority is for their child to like them and they end up losing the respect of the child.

On the other end of the spectrum, sometimes Christian parents are overly focused on authority to such a degree that they end up relating to their children through fear and intimidation. They tend to micromanage their child so that they can exert complete control and they end up creating resentment in the child.

Still other Christian parents become overly preoccupied with performance and external behavior. This focus often leads the child to believe that in order to be loved, they have to perform and that their parents’ love is conditional.

In order to avoid these and other unbiblical notions of parenting, the gospel must not only be brought to bear on the task of parenting, it must be at the heart. Christian parenting should be rooted in the gospel of Jesus Christ, and it is in this light that evangelicals must affirm certain things in order to ensure that their parenting meets this goal.

The Primacy of Scripture

First, evangelicals affirm the primacy of Scripture. In many ways, this might be considered a given. But when it comes to parenting, evangelicals often do not turn to the Scriptures first. More often they simply default to the parenting strategy embraced by their own parents. Or they will simply embrace the philosophy of their peers. This is partially because many evangelicals actually do not believe the Bible has much to say about parenting at all. They know that there are some Proverbs that are written from a father to his son. They know that Colossians admonishes fathers to not exasperate their children, and of course Ephesians exhorts children to obey their parents. Many evangelicals conclude then, that since there are very few places that explicitly address parents or children, the Bible has very little to say about the subject.

However, Paul told Timothy that “all Scripture is inspired by God and is profitable for teaching, for rebuking, for correcting, for training in righteousness” (2 Tim. 3:16), which means that the whole Bible can and should be brought to bear on the parenting process.

The Bible tells us who we are, how we got here, how sin devastated everything, how man is made right with God, and how to live our lives before a holy God.

So if parenting is basically discipling the people that God has placed in closest proximity to you, then the whole Bible can address the parenting task. A parent’s primary job is to teach, reprove, correct, and train so nearly every passage applies. For instance, James 4:1–3 seems to indicate that one of the reasons we quarrel with one another is because we want something that we do not have. Do your children quarrel? Yes, and they do so because there is something they want that they are not getting. When they are little, it can be something as basic as a toy. As they grow older, it can be that they want (and are not receiving) something more sophisticated, like respect, appreciation, justice, or even love and affection. Does James say, “Parents, here’s how you handle quarrelling children”? No. But this is a parenting verse that beats all parenting verses. Far from being anemic when it comes to parenting, the Bible speaks to any situation that a parent might encounter when discipling their children and trying to shape their hearts toward the gospel. It is a parent’s responsibility, then, to make sure that they understand the Bible well enough to not only apply it to their own lives, but also to the lives of others, particularly their children. You cannot merely come up with your own strategy. You cannot choose to have no strategy at all. Biblically rooted parenting is not optional. The health of the home and church depend upon it.

The Priority of the Marriage

The second idea that evangelicals affirm when it comes to parenting is the priority of the marriage in the home. Adam and Eve were a family before kids came along. In Ephesians 5, the gospel picture of Christ and the church is depicted by the husband and wife. Children are an addition to the already existing family. Hopefully they are a welcomed addition, but an addition nevertheless. It is very common in the evangelical community for the home to increasingly become child-centered. After all, it is argued, don’t we want them to have every confidence that they are the most significant priority to their parents so that they will have a high level of self-confidence? In order to get to this goal, parents will, with good intentions, so devote themselves to their children that they inadvertently create a disobedient and disruptive child. In an effort to demonstrate to the child that they are the most important thing to their parents, the child begins to believe what the parents are trying to communicate; namely, that they are more important than anything else.

Human beings were not designed by God to be the center of attention or to develop a sense of self-importance. The Bible regularly warns us to not think more highly of ourselves than we ought, and encourages us to see others as more important than ourselves. When a child begins to see themselves as the most important person in the home, he develops an attitude of entitlement that expects prioritization and even special treatment. This, in turn, cultivates pride in the life of the child. All of these attitudes and behaviors are listed as sinful in the Bible, and pride even invites the active opposition of God into one’s life. So far from helping to raise an obedient, gospel-oriented child, this approach actually helps to train up a very disobedient one.

The strength of the home is rooted in the strength of the marriage. The strength of the relationship between parents and their children is rooted in the strength of the marriage. The stability of the child is rooted in the strength of the marriage. How does a younger child have a sense as to whether or not things are stable in the world? Are they reading the Wall Street Journal? Are they watching the evening news? Are they following the stock market? Of course not.

A child decides if things are stable in the world by their confidence in their parents’ marriage. Now they are not sophisticated enough to explain such things about their own soul, but a rocky marriage displayed in front of a child will actually disrupt the child’s very soul.

Over the years our various children have many times displayed uncharacteristically disobedient behavior. When this happens, we almost always will ask ourselves these questions: “Has this child observed us interacting in positive and even fun ways in the last several days? Have they seen us kiss or hug? Have they seen us enjoying one another’s company? Laughing together?” If not, we immediately make every effort to remedy the situation. Parents who prioritize their children over their marriage are usually flabbergasted at how it impacts their children in the exact opposite way that they expected. Even older children draw comfort and confidence as they observe their parents show affection and kindness toward one another. So, far from feeling neglected, children in marriage-centered homes have the confidence that parents are actually looking for that cannot be found in making a child feel like they are the center of the universe.

The marriage can be prioritized in several ways. First, a husband and wife must carve out time daily to talk and debrief from the day. This is one of the best ways to communicate to one another and the children that the marriage relationship is most important. Often, we will intentionally have a conversation in the evenings and make the children go to their rooms. This does not make the children feel unwanted; it actually makes them feel secure even though they certainly would not be able to explain why. Second, a husband and wife should make the time to get away on a date three to four times per month. This does not have to be expensive, but it does need to be exclusive. No kids allowed. Third, it has served us well to get away for several days without the children two or three times per year. Again, this does not need to be expensive; it simply serves as another opportunity to enjoy the marriage, and send a clear message to one another and the children. Prioritizing the marriage not only brings security to children, but it also sets the marriage up as the primary example as parents authentically live out the gospel day in and day out in the home.

The Responsibility of Leadership

The third idea affirmed by evangelicals with regard to parenting is the responsibility of leadership. In Deuteronomy 6, God gives clear instruction to parents with regard to how they should instruct their children with His commands: "Repeat them to your children. Talk about them when you sit in your house and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Bind them as a sign on your hand and let them be a symbol on your forehead. Write them on the doorposts of your house and on your city gates” (Deut. 6:7–9). In other words, parents have an enormous responsibility to clearly and regularly through the normal ebb and flow of the day communicate the statutes and commands of God to their children. But with this responsibility comes authority. Paul clearly admonishes children to obey their parents in Ephesians 6. Parents, you are in authority over your children.

Authority is not valued in today’s culture. From childhood we rarely want to be told what to do. In fact, in many circles bucking authority is valued. However, God has put authority structures everywhere.

In Genesis one can see immediately God’s authority over the cosmos. Adam and Eve are given authority over the creation to subdue and exercise dominion over it. Adam demonstrates his authority over the animals by naming each of them. In the Old Testament, there are clear structures of authority as the people of God are led by prophets, priests, and kings. In the New Testament, wives are to be submissive to their husbands. All of us are to be submissive to government. Then, the books of Hebrews and 1 and 2 Timothy outline the structures for pastoral authority. And in Ephesians 6, Paul speaks directly to children, telling them they must obey their parents.

One of the reasons that authority is not fully appreciated in our culture is that many people have seen so many bad examples. It is important to be reminded, however, that authority is not for the good of the person by whom it is possessed. Authority is for the good of the people being led. In Deuteronomy 17, Moses puts forth some requirements for the king. One of his first acts is to produce his own handwritten copy of the law so that it will be in close proximity to him and he should “read from it all the days of his life” (Deut. 17:19). In other words, leadership begins with a proper understanding of the Word of God. It begins with a life devoted to its study. Just like kings, a parent’s leadership should be an expression of godliness that comes from a careful intent to understand and obey the Bible. Moses also admonishes kings that they are not to acquire too many horses, too much gold, too much silver, or many wives for themselves. In other words, a king should not use this privileged office for his own gain or for his own self-aggrandizement. Parents, too, should note that their authority is given to the family by God and they are to assert this authority for the good of their children and not themselves.

For Christian parents, the balance between extreme expressions of authority and permission can be a challenge. Christians know that along with the high standards presented in Scripture, there are also themes of mercy, grace, and forgiveness. Sometimes parents are so permissive and are held hostage in their own homes because they are afraid of alienating their children. Sometimes parents are so demanding they cause resentment in their children. The solution to this tension is always predicated on the prioritization of the parents’ personal walk with the Lord. Parents that are authentically pursuing Christ and His gospel will more likely be able to balance the relationship between authorit...

Table of contents

• Series Preface
• Introduction
• Chapter 1: What Are We For? (Randy Stinson)
• Chapter 2: What Does the Gospel Say? (Timothy Paul Jones)
• Chapter 3: How Should the Christian Live? (Tedd and Margy Tripp)
• Chapter 4: How Should the Church Engage? (Candice and Steve Watters)
• Chapter 5: What Does the Culture Say? (David E. Prince)
• Additional Reading
• Acknowledgments
• About the ERLC
• About the Contributors
• Notes