My Son's a Queer (But What Can You Do?) (NHB Modern Plays)

Rob Madge

• Publisher: Nick Hern Books
• Year: 2020
• ISBN:
  9781788503877
• Topic: Littérature
• Subtopic: Théâtre britannique

When Rob was twelve, they attempted a full-blown Disney parade in their house for their Grandma. As Rob donned wigs and played Mary Poppins, Ariel, Mickey Mouse and Belle, their Dad doubled as Stage Manager, Sound Technician and Goofy.

Unfortunately, Dad missed all his cues and pushed all the floats in the wrong direction. Mum mistook Aladdin for Ursula. The costumes went awry. And Ariel's bubble gun didn't work properly. Grandma had a nice time, though.

My Son's a Queer (But What Can You Do?) is the joyous, chaotic, autobiographical story of actor, writer and social-media sensation Rob Madge as they set out to recreate that parade – and this time, nobody, no, nobody is gonna rain on it.

It was first performed at London's Turbine Theatre in June 2021, directed by Luke Sheppard, with music by Pippa Cleary – and starring Rob Madge as Rob Madge, alongside hilarious home movies of the Madge family (plus Granny Grimble).

This edition features the complete text of the play, including links to and transcriptions of the video footage, colour photographs and extra bonus content from the RDM* Productions Archive. It concludes with an afterword by Mum and Dad about the joys to be found in championing the creativity of children – and why playing Tinkerbell, with a smile, might be the best thing you can do for your kids, and for yourselves.

* Robert Dennis Madge

For my Granny Grimble,
who would find the fact she’s featured
in a published play absolutely hilarious.
Love you tons x

A Note on the Text

Indented lines indicate video footage.

For example:

LITTLE BRUMMY CHILD. Welcome to the show.

A line such as this is taken from a video being played on the telly.

This ebook was created before the end of rehearsals so may differ slightly from the play as performed.

The space: your living room. A show is about to happen. We see a dusty old telly. Family photos in frames. A fancy-dress box. A big tall thing covered by a dust sheet. Memorabilia scattered around – a home-made Academy Award, a Mary Poppins chimney-sweep brush. Everything is slightly oversized.

As the audience filter in –

– The dusty old telly shows a video of a young child setting up for a parade – costumes being pre-set, wigs being removed from hairnets, a bubble gun being loaded up with Fairy Liquid. A spectacular production is about to happen. The child addresses the cameraman at one point: ‘Yes, Father. I would much appreciate it if you would please put your costume on now.’

The dad’s going to get involved? This is sure to be sensational.

As lights down –

– We see the same child appear on the telly screen. A strong Brummy accent.

LITTLE BRUMMY CHILD. Welcome to the show. Everybody will like this show today and it’s a video as well. We hope you like it – um – because it is a bit scary if you’re with children but don’t matter. Look after them well. Thank you.

We see Madge rehearsing for a living-room spectacular. They address us:

MADGE. Hiya. You’ll have to forgive me, you’ve caught me in the middle of tech. I’m putting on a show in my living room. It’s all about my childhood. I know what you’re thinking. Yes, it sounds really self-indulgent… Correct.

Song: Anything is Possible (When the Stage is Your Living Room)

CURTAIN UP! THE STAGE IS SET FOR ME

I HAVE GOT A SHOW FOR YOU TO SEE

IT’S REALLY GREAT

IT ISN’T STRAIGHT

COS IT IS ALL ABOUT – WELL – KINDA ME

I’M SO CHUFFED TO BE HERE WITH YOU ALL

EVEN THOUGH THE STAGE IS SORT OF SMALL

WE’LL MAKE IT WORK

I’M HUMBLE AFTER ALL

I DON’T CALL MYSELF A SINGER

Ask my mum

WOW, I PUT HER THROUGH THE RINGER

And then some

BUT NOW IT’S TIME TO SET THE RECORD STRAIGHT

As I said, not straight

ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE WHEN THE STAGE IS YOUR LIVING ROOM

ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE WITH UMBRELLAS, A SUITCASE AND A BROOM

USE YOUR IMAGINATION

THERE’S MAGIC UP YOUR SLEEVE

(A flourish.) Tinker Bell!

YES, ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE

IF YOU JUST BELIEVE

Few months ago, my dad got a VHS player. (Unveils VHS player, with a flair.) You remember these, they’re the things you used to put cassettes in. Cassettes. No, not Cosette, she’s a soprano. ‘Why did your dad do this absolutely reckless thing?’, you ask. Well, you see, the Madges were feeling very nostalgic and so we rooted through the cupboards, found some dusty cassettes and thought we’d put them to good use.

BACK IN JUNE, WE FOUND A

VIDEO ON A TAPE, VINTAGE, YES, I KNOW

IT’S SORT OF SAD

BUT ME AND DAD

WE PUT ON QUITE THE SHOW!

I say ‘we’, it was all my idea.

WE HAD PROPS AND COSTUMES, WIGS GALORE

NOW I’M HERE, THE BUDGET’S SHIT BUT SURE

LIKE OLIVER, I’LL LEAVE YOU WANTING MORE

SO JUST THINK OF HAPPY THINGS

Love! Hope!

AND YOU’RE FLYING WITHOUT WINGS

Can you cope?

FOLLOW THE STAR, SOAR AND YOU WILL SEE

THE MAGIC BURSTING OUT OF ME

ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE WHEN THE STAGE IS YOUR LIVING ROOM

ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE WITH UMBRELLAS, A SUITCASE AND A BROOM

USE YOUR IMAGINATION

THERE’S MAGIC UP YOUR SLEEVE

(Another flourish.) Rub the lamp!

YES, ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE AND THIS, YOU WON’T BELIEVE

In 2009 I was that gay that put on a Disney parade in my hall for my grandma. I had such high hopes but unfortunately it went hideously wrong.

Madge inserts a rhinestoned VHS tape into the player.

It’s a video of them as a child, the same Little Brummy Child seen earlier. They are putting on a Disney parade in their hall for their grandma, affectionately known as Granny Grimble, who is overjoyed at the sight of her grandson – sorry – a real-life Disney character at the top of the banisters.

GRANNY GRIMBLE. Mary Poppins!

12-YEAR-OLD MADGE (dressed as Mary Poppins). Press play please.

DAD (dressed as Bert). Mary Poppins!

BUT ME AND DAD WE PUT ON QUITE THE SHOW! I say ‘we’, it was all my idea. WE HAD PROPS AND COSTUMES, WIGS GALORE NOW I’M HERE, THE BUDGET’S SHIT BUT SURE LIKE OLIVER, I’LL LEAVE YOU WANTING MORE SO JUST THINK OF HAPPY THINGS Love! Hope! AND YOU’RE FLYING WITHOUT WINGS Can you cope? FOLLOW THE STAR, SOAR AND YOU WILL SEE THE MAGIC BURSTING OUT OF ME

ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE WHEN THE STAGE IS YOUR LIVING ROOM ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE WITH UMBRELLAS, A SUITCASE AND A BROOM USE YOUR IMAGINATION THERE’S MAGIC UP YOUR SLEEVE (Another flourish.) Rub the lamp! YES, ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE AND THIS, YOU WON’T BELIEVE

In 2009 I was that gay that put on a Disney parade in my hall for my grandma. I had such high hopes but unfortunately it went hideously wrong.

Madge inserts a rhinestoned VHS tape into the player.

It’s a video of them as a child, the same Little Brummy Child seen earlier. They are putting on a Disney parade in their hall for their grandma, affectionately known as Granny Grimble, who is overjoyed at the sight of her grandson – sorry – a real-life Disney character at the top of the banisters.

GRANNY GRIMBLE. Mary Poppins!

12-YEAR-OLD MADGE (dressed as Mary Poppins). Press play please.

DAD (dressed as Bert). Mary Poppins!

12-YEAR-OLD MADGE. Your cue was ‘Oh Bert’.

12-year-old Madge, or ‘Mary Poppins’, furiously shakes their umbrella. The music should have started by now. ‘Mary’ attempts to be professional. Smiles through gritted teeth. Joe Public won’t clock the show stop. Eventually, the music begins. ‘Mary Poppins’ slides down the banister and bursts into song. A grand entrance if there ever was one.

12-YEAR-OLD MADGE. ANY DREAM IS POSSIBLE!

12-year-old Madge appears as Mickey Mouse. Their father pushes their float. Or suitcase. Whatever your imagination will stretch to.

GRANNY GRIMBLE. Oh, it’s Mickey again!

12-YEAR-OLD MADGE/MICKEY MOUSE. Hiya, folks!

The suitcase has got dodgy wheels. ‘Mickey’ begins to slide off the already fragile suitcase float. Granny Grimble desperately tries to help.

GRANNY GRIMBLE. Whoops. Whoops. Whoops. Whoops.

The music is coming to an end.

12-YEAR-OLD MADGE. That’s one song gone. We should be at the end now…

Dad is dressed as Goofy, attempting to entertain the crowd whilst 12-year-old Madge is embroiled in yet another costume change in the kitchen. He’s not doing a very good job. 12-year-old Madge is ready. Dad’s not paying attention.

(Calling from the kitchen.) Dad! Dad! Dad!

Eventually, Dad hears and comes to assist. The next character appears. 12-year-old Madge is now Ariel, heralded by Dad who holds a cuddly toy fish and furiously blows bubbles from a bubble gun. Clearly, father and son have just had an argument in the kitchen. More cues must have been missed. ‘Ariel’ makes her entrance on a scooter. The fluidity gives the impression of swimming. Genius, if you ask me. Granny Grimble’s impressed too.

GRANNY GRIMBLE. Ooooh!

12-YEAR-OLD MADGE (to Dad). Start again.

Dad begrudgingly heads to the office to restart the music on the computer. ‘Ariel’ strikes a pose. Wishes Dad would get on with it. It’s getting awkward. Granny Grimble attempts to cover the pregnant pauses with her enth...