Speechless – Never Again! Use Quick-Wittedness & the Power of Rhetoric

Talk & present self-confidently, learn psychology-skills, speak freely, convince inspire & motivate people

Simone Janson, Simone Janson, Simone Janson

• Publisher: Best of HR – Berufebilder.de®
• Year: 2024
• ISBN:
  9783965964594
• Edition: 4
• Topic: History
• Subtopic: European History
• Index: History

Ready to beat instead of self-doubt: confidently counter feedback!
// By Simone Janson

Many people are plagued by self-doubt. How nice it would be, critical feedback, often enough even unobjective to be able to confidently counter. Here you can find out how.

Negative feedback - and now?

“Everything is great,” you might say. “But unfortunately a lot is expected in the job these days and it is natural to be constantly criticized. So it is no wonder that I try to offer as few criticisms as possible by being as perfect as possible.

After all, I don't want to get caught if I make a mistake! " After everything you've read about how unpromising it is to avoid mistakes, you should know that this tactic will get you stuck.

Prone to criticism

One thing should be clear to you: As a perfectionist, you already have a certain tendency to doubt yourself. The criticism from bosses or dear colleagues hits you much harder than people with a healthy self-confidence. And it is not uncommon for you to feel caught in criticizing others - precisely because you have secretly criticized yourself for the matter - right?

You can hardly be criticized when you stand by yourself. If you demonstrate this in a quick-witted manner, you can ignore the criticism: A colleague insults you in the way: "You have no idea, you haven't even completed your studies!" - Answer: “You see that correctly”, “You have observed this very well” or “You will have to get used to it”. And if you don't care what the others think, you can simply answer the accusation “You can't do that ...”: “Yes, I can!”

The others are always right?

The main problem with many perfectionists who struggle with self-doubt and overly demanding self-confidence is that they tend to believe their critics unconditionally. Like Isabel, who was invited to an important job interview.

As a perfectionist, she has meticulously prepared for it. She gathered information about the company, researched facts, considered formulations and bought a new costume. Everything should be one hundred percent. But despite her preparation, she is unsure. Good language skills in English and French were desired in the job advertisement. Isabel knows: Her English is excellent, but her French is a little rusty - her sore point, so to speak. Therefore, she has practiced a few standard French sentences with which she wants to demonstrate her skills.

Caught cheating?

The conversation goes well, the HR manager is enthusiastic about her knowledge of English and Isabel wants to breathe a sigh of relief when she suddenly hears: “Since you even have a French first name, you can certainly speak French as well. Tell me something about your last vacation in France. " The HR manager nods in a friendly manner, but Isabel feels caught: She has not practiced “talking about vacation”, she has concentrated more on professional issues. Everything she ever knew about French grammar seems to be blown away, she stutters something to herself with difficulty. "Well, you will still manage a few simple sentences, after all, you have learned French for six years," says the HR manager, astonished.

Isabel is mad at herself: Not only did she fail, now she's standing there like someone who lied about his abilities. “Maybe you could take a French course in France so that something like this doesn't happen again,” her friend said affectionately a few days later. Isabel freaks out: “How can you stab me in the back like that? I can speak French. I don't discuss that anymore! "

The show must go on

In the end, she learns that an acquaintance has got the job from her, whose knowledge of French is very limited. Isabel reveals her secret of success: “I just talked about something that sounds good. That did not attract attention because the HR manager could hardly speak French either. " If the hiring manager had criticized Isabel's knowledge of English, she would probably not have been affected. “But how did he know that French, of all things, was my weak point? And why am I not just more confident on this point? "

Sometimes criticism is justified, for example if you really made a mistake. Or if you cannot reject the criticism because the critic is your superior: Then stand up for your mistake: “I understand that you are angry. I will take care of the problem immediately. " Do not even try to get yourself out of the affair in any way - you will only harm yourself. It is better to show that you deal constructively with your mistake.

Please be more confident!

It is probably the same for you: there are situations in which you can cope with criticism simply because you feel safe and unassailable. Sometimes you may even feel so sure that you don't notice the criticism. Therefore, you may not be aware of these moments. And there are situations when someone touches your sore spot and you feel attacked, even if nobody wanted to criticize you.

The HR specialist, for example, wanted to provide Isabel with a good template for showing her skills. As a perfectionist, on the other hand, Isabel wanted to stick to her practiced French sentences in order to have everything under control; the fact that she should suddenly react spontaneously and completely unplanned was such a problem for Isabel that she got a blackout. But even more: Isabel believed that the personnel manager wanted to lead her onto black ice by talking about her knowledge of French at all and asking her something absurdly simple. On the other hand, her friend had acted cheekily in her opinion.

Repartee is not for everyone. Perhaps a “cheeky” response to criticism is not always appropriate. Then stay matter-of-fact. Do not justify yourself, that would only make you a victim. Stay calm and say as calmly as possible: “I see it differently. I would like to present my view of the matter. "

An absolute exaggeration

Unfortunately we are not always self-confident. And everyone reacts differently to criticism. This is because each of us carries certain hurtful experiences with us. Therefore, these vulnerable points are different for each of us. When a critic hits these sore spots, almost everyone is sensitive. But even if it is not nice for anyone to be criticized - many perfectionists also make it unnecessarily difficult. Because often they are not even hurt by the content of a criticism, but by the fact that something negative was said: after all, they want to be perfect. If you still make a mistake, it is tantamount to an absolute catastrophe in a typically perfectionist all-or-nothing way of thinking.

Perfectionists like Isabel don't just accept criticism, they also link them directly to their person. The personnel manager has factually determined that Isabel has to do more after six years of French lessons. The fact that he refers to her application gives her a sensitive stab: Apparently he does not believe her information. For Isabel it is as if he had called her a liar. And suddenly her inner critic becomes active, as if he was just waiting for confirmation from the outside and Isabel begins to believe that she has maliciously deceived the HR manager and that she deserves not to get the job. When her friend Isabel kindly suggests taking a French course, Isabel hides a criticism of her language skills. In both cases, Isabel interpreted the statements more than was actually said.

How to take criticism less personally

However, it also happens that criticism is actually hidden and expressed very indirectly: “Good idea - but not so good that you couldn't have shown it to me before you present it!” By avoiding coordination with your boss, you run the risk of ignoring possible criticism - this can be a problem with certain bosses. The trick is to distinguish between genuine and imaginary criticism. Also target indirect criticism in a targeted manner: “I'm sorry, that was not on purpose. How can we coordinate that better next time? "

Think for a moment: maybe you feel like Isabel from time to time? You hear a sentence, suspect it is criticism and react accordingly offended or irritated, simply because you are a perfectionist - and the boss or colleague who said that no longer understands the world. Or a colleague says: “The boss was angry today” and you immediately think: “Oh God, did I do something?” Because you apply this remark to yourself immediately or because a statement hits your sore point. Most of the time, this thought scheme runs automatically. But you can do something about it by becoming more aware of what you are thinking.

Please think briefly

As soon as you feel hit by a statement, you should pause for a moment, think objectively and slowly answer a few questions: What am I thinking? What importance do I attach to these words or actions? How do I know I'm guessing right? What exactly was said? What wording was used? What is that really a criticism of me or a claim? Or do I only interpret this statement as a demand or criticism?

Ask yourself if there could be another explanation for this statement. It is not a question of really proving yourself that you are wrong in assuming that you are criticized. Rather, you should consider the possibility that there could be other reasons.

• Does my friend really think that I don't speak French or does he just want to go on vacation in France?
• Does the recruiter really think I lied to him?
• Is my boss really in a bad mood about me or is my colleague just scared because he made a mistake?

React correctly

It is of course nice to know how you can deal with the criticism for yourself if you can classify and evaluate it. However, that alone is not always enough, especially in everyday working life. Otherwise you will quickly become a weakling. Because in everyday working life it also depends on how you sell yourself and how you present yourself to others.

But how do you show a critic that you don't share their opinion without showing your vulnerability? The best method is the quick-witted or rhetorically skilful response, which you can use to gain an image for yourself from the criticism or demands of a colleague. Give it a try: you will be surprised how little you really have to swallow and how aggressively you can deal with criticism and demands from others.

Question criticism

But why can't perfectionists simply block or at least question unjustified criticism? The answer: you haven't learned it. Take a look back at your own childhood. We are all taught early on to simply accept criticism. The intention behind this is to bring us closer to the rules and norms that we have to adhere to if we want to get along in society. But sometimes we get the wrong information.

For example, Isabel had problems with pronunciation in French class. A simple, factual criticism from her teacher would have been: "Your pronunciation is bad, please practice at home." Instead, the teacher combined the criticism with an evaluation: “If you don't finally make an effort to improve your pronunciation, you will never learn French. And if you don't know French, you won't get very far. "

Filter and rate criticism

The teacher's intention was certainly to encourage Isabel to do more. However, Isabel has since believed that if she does not learn French perfectly, she will fail in life. In fact, Isabel had initially also doubted that: “Why do I need French so badly”, she asked her teacher and the answer was: “Because I say it, that's why!”. And when she asked her parents: “Is French really that important in life?”, They manifested the view: “If your teacher says it, it will be like that!” And that's how Isabel learned not to question criticism.

But that is the wrong reaction. Because even if you have come to the conclusion that you have actually been criticized, it does not mean that you simply have to accept the criticism. It is better to filter and rate the criticism before you take it seriously. With every criticism ask yourself:

• Who said that?
• Is he competent in this area?
• Is his opinion important to me?

This opinion is really important

Is the HR manager's opinion really important for Isabel's future path? Is Isabel's friend competent enough to assess her level of French? Isabel can probably answer both questions with a resounding “no”. So your answer to the question “Who said that” is: “Nobody whose opinion I have to value!”.

If you come to this conclusion while pondering a review, you can safely brush the statement off the tabl...