Put A Wet Paper Towel on It

The Weird and Wonderful World of Primary Schools

Lee Parkinson, Adam Parkinson

• Publisher: HarperCollins
• Year: 2021
• ISBN:
  9780008474195
• Topic: Education
• Subtopic: Education Biographies

The Staff List

From the first term of being a teacher I couldn’t believe there hadn’t been an Office-style sitcom called The Staffroom, which followed the escapades of a typical primary school staff.

During every placement I had as a trainee it was amazing that whichever school I was at, you would meet the same type of characters. Obviously, there are sweeping generalisations here, and these ‘characters’ may take different roles, but I reckon as we describe them you can easily think of a colleague that fits the bill.

We must also state that all these characters are completely fictionalised and are not based on any actual people. (More like a combination of people we have met over the years.)

Let’s start with the most underappreciated member of staff:

Site-Manager/Caretaker

• Despite the scowl, he’s a top bloke.
• Liverpool F.C. scarf (despite living over 100 miles from Anfield).
• Mobile phone in extra-tough case – full of offensive jokes.
• Drill/Robot sound-effect maker.
• Steel-toe-capped boots that could break a Reception child’s finger on impact.
• School-branded baseball cap – to stop him pulling his hair out!
• To-do list – full of random stuff from the building’s log
• Paint stains on jumper from previous day’s glossing job.
• The largest bunch of keys … EVER!
• He hates that one of the Year 6 kids is taller than him!

The image depicts some tell-tale signs of the ‘typical’ site manager/caretaker. They can be like gold dust – find a good one and they improve the school so much. However, I once worked with a site manager who probably had the worst fear for any person doing his job. No, he wasn’t allergic to kids, or lazy, he was in fact scared of heights. I only discovered this after asking him to change a ceiling bulb in my classroom during my first two weeks as a student teacher, and it still hadn’t been sorted by the summer when I returned to help out. He had managed to hide this fear well over the years. I think when it got to winter and the school was a complete blackout because there wasn’t a single working lightbulb, everyone clocked on to the fact this guy couldn’t handle being up a ladder. He would go to extreme lengths, like bringing the ladder into your classroom, setting it up in place and putting a new lightbulb on the table. He would then proceed to procrastinate to unseen levels. He would talk to you while you marked, ‘forget’ a screwdriver so he’d have to go back to his room, and he would wait until you had finished and left, then move the ladder back without stepping a foot on it. He had mastered this craft to the point that teachers would end up changing the bulbs themselves. He would explain he had a phone call with the gas company, a meeting with an electrician or he was putting up a shelf (another task that was only completed if the shelf was head height).

He was a fairly intimidating fellow to begin with, but once you were onside he was a good lad. Loved the gym, but also loved food. I sometimes felt that working at a primary school was not the best environment for him. He seemed more suited to a work site that would consist of non-stop lad banter and alpha-male shenanigans. I soon realised what made him stay working at a school and also motivated his gym addiction – MUMS. He would always be doing something in and around the school gates at prime drop-off and pick-up time. Flexing, winking, flirting, he loved it. And when that week in June came around when we got some sun in this country, his Gold’s gym vest was proudly displayed while he strutted and sweated in front of mums like he was starring in his own Diet Coke advert. The funny thing was the parents were always completely oblivious, but that didn’t stop him. I once joked that a parent was overheard saying they’d love a calendar with him as the model. The look on his face was a picture until he realised it was a wind-up.

You would walk past his room each morning and it would reek of rotten eggs; it could have been him boiling eggs to hit his protein goal for the day or it could also be just him releasing the gas in his bowels. His bowel movements worked like clockwork: arrive in school at 6am but from 6.30 to 6.55 he would be taking his daily dump just before most teachers arrived for the day. This must have gone on for years until a new member of staff, who would arrive bang on 6.30am every morning, clocked on and reported this use of time.

He was spoken to sternly by the head, and he was fuming. I remember he once confided in me, ‘I can’t do my deadlifts if I haven’t made a deposit at the porcelain bank.’

I admired his work ethic of not doing his work. I often think about whether he still works at the school, or in a school at all. He was the perfect example of the caretaker that would be great for the primary school staffroom sitcom.

NQT in September

• Perfectly styled hair.
• Snazzy shirt and shoes combination that says, ‘CBeebies presenter with brains’!
• No marking to do – she did it all at lunchtime!
• Funky bag full of home-made resources.
• Beige trousers (pre-fingerpaint, clay and glitter-glue).
• Hopeful eyes – full of enthusiasm.
• Glowing tan from post university trip to Ibiza.
• Facebook statuses – currently very positive!
• Personalised mug with safety lid – a present from final placement school.
• Brand new laptop case with 10-year-old laptop inside (budgets are tight).

NQTs (Newly Qualified Teachers), bless their little cotton socks. However you managed to get to the point of being an NQT – university degree, PGCE, school-based training – nothing will prepare you for that first year as a teacher. It has to be up there as one of the hardest years of your life. Obviously, it will be harder/easier depending on the school and the level of support you receive. It is often assumed that everything was covered at uni or on your placements, when in reality it wasn’t. There are so many things you have to get your head around before you even think of the children. Timetables, routines, staff, procedures, expectations, school-wide policies, to name but a few. I meet so many NQTs who, dare I say it, are naive and have the ultimate dream of being the inspirational teacher they set out to be while still having a decent social life and relationships with their loved ones. They may spend the rest of their dwindling student loan raiding anything educational on Amazon, spending hours at home creating their own resources, and are freshly kitted out with a new ‘teacher’ wardrobe like they’ve just appeared on the catwalk showcasing the new teacher range for the autumn collection. I wish that enthusiasm would last, but for the majority it doesn’t. I was exactly the same, in fact. While researching this book I went through some of my old files and folders that had gathered dust in a stock cupboard in my school. I was advised by my university mentor to keep a weekly diary to document my first year as a teacher, which would become a useful reflection tool.

NQT by February Half-Term

• Hair tied back for convenience.
• ‘Fixed grin’ to show she’s still coping.
• Incredibly heavy school laptop case (filled with books to mark).
• Pockets full of school stationery to use as per the new marking policy.
• ‘Bag for Life’ also full of books to mark.
• First grey hairs (despite only being 23 years old!).
• Pencil behind ear, which she misplaced an hour ago.
• Warm cardigan because her classroom is always bloody freezing!
• Diet energy-drink – because coffee really isn’t doing the trick right now.
• Another ‘Bag for Life’ full of marking. This one is probably on its last legs.
• The comfiest shoes she owns.

Before long, I quickly resembled this:

I reckon I aged a decade in the space of a term. It seemed to fly by in an instant, but at the same time it felt like years. I remember fondly the outlook I had as I started my NQT year, how much I would make a difference, the impact I would have, the passion, the enthusiasm. I was on a mission to change the world, one child at a time! I reckon by the end of that NQT year I was a completely different person. Let’s take a look at some of what I said in my NQT days and how things have changed over the years:

Staff Meetings

NQT: These staff meetings are so valuable, informative and inspiring. I am learning so much!

Now: Here we go, here’s another hour of my life I’m never getting back.

Coffee

NQT: No coffee for me, thanks, I am fine with my water.

Now: What’s that? No, this is my third cup. I know it’s only half-eight.

Displays

NQT: I managed to get a few days off but I was mostly in school, sorting my classroom, creating displays from scratch, laminating, cutting and stapling. I actually really enjoyed it. It had to be perfect as I know how much these displays will support my class.

Now: The work up on display here, the children who did it are still in the school, aren’t they? So I don’t need to change it. What’s that? They’re in sixth form?!

The Curriculum

NQT: This knowledge-rich curriculum is fascinating. To be able to follow this innovative approach that is steeped in research is such a privilege.

Now: Yes, we had something similar back in the day when I first started like you. We called it TEACHING!

Behaviour

NQT: My approach is different. I am not going to be one of these teachers who relies on using the typical cliche sayings.

Now: Right, class, this is your own time you’re wasting!

Planning

NQT: It is taking a while, but it is so necessary to get these lesson plans done with no stone unturned. I need to make sure I have every possible scenario covered because if I don’t, there’s no way I will be able to teach it effectively.

Now: What’s the plan today? Good question, let’s see what Twinkl has to offer.

Teaching

NQT: I can’t believe that didn’t go to plan! After all that time I spent planning it and it failed. Maybe I’m not cut out for this. It’s definitely me. I’m a fraud.

Now: Most of Year 6 managed to get the title down in their book so I call that a success. The lesson can’t fail if you never planned it!

During Break Duty

NQT: What is the matter? Why are you upset? You’ve had a falling out with your friend? Ok, let’s sort it out. I will dedicate as much of my time as I need to to establish why you’re both upset and work through this so you can be friends again.

Now: You’ve had a falling out? Just go and find someone else to play with!

Answering Parent Queries

NQT: I thought half-nine at night was late to email me but I replied straight away to ensure the parent’s concerns were dealt with.

Now: No, I didn’t reply to it. A wise old teacher once told me, you should never reply to the first email. If it is important enough, they’ll always send another.

Longest-Serving Member of Staff

• Started school as a cleaner in 1987.
• Proudly wears school-branded staff polo-shirt.
• Absolute whiz with phonics and an expert at laminating.
• Current mobile phone is a NOKIA 3310 (in purple, obviously).
• Known as ‘Auntie Jean’ to at least 30% of the children and 50% of the adults.
• Loves a bit of purple!
• Became a ‘dinner-lady’ in 1994 and qualified as a teaching assistant in 2001.
• Follows a few questionable pages on Facebook.
• ‘Bum-bag’ from Lanzarote in 1991 holds paracetamol, mint imperials and her other set of glasses.
• Has run the tombola and plant stall at the school fete since 1988.

The longest-serving member of staff. These are special people in every school, part of the furniture, the staff most likely to have only ever worked in one school. Wouldn’t dream of moving. In some cases they started as a parent helper, or lunchtime assistant, and have moved up the ranks to be a teacher who has seen it all. I will say that these types of teachers are few and far between in primary schools today, where once they were a staple part of every school. They would nurse and care fo...