How to Survive Time Travel

Larry Hayes, Katie Abey

• Publisher: Simon & Schuster Children's UK
• Year: 2022
• Print ISBN: 9781471198366
• eBook ISBN: 9781471198373

Lift off in the hilarious edge-of-your-seat adventure series that is a home alone story with a difference! Written by the inimitable Larry Hayes and hilariously illustrated by Katie Abey, this is the perfect read for fans of David Solomons, Tom Gates and Back to the Future!

Fresh from saving their parents from the jaws of frenzied billionaire Mr Noah, ten-year-old Eliza and her genius little brother, Johnnie, are called upon once again. Their parents have disappeared into thin air and it’s up to the kids to save the day, travelling back in time to 5000 BC Egypt!

Can they overcome friendly locals, a mysterious boy-god, snakes, a rainbow-coloured Sphinx and another plot to end the world? And – most importantly of all – will they survive TIME TRAVEL?

For more out-of-this-world adventure don't forget to read about Eliza and Johnnie's first adventure in How to Survive Without Grown-Ups. Out now!

A LONG TIME AGO

It’s a long time ago, 5000 BCE to be exact, and things are bad.

You’re probably wondering what I’m doing here. My name is Eliza and I’m falling off a sofa into a artificial volcano that’s about to erupt 7,053 years ago and wipe the entire human race off the face of the Earth.

My baby brother, Johnnie, has it worse. He’s choking on a sherbet lemon, and he’s about to cough it right into the school bully’s – Sadie Snickpick’s – face.

Johnnie faces a triple threat:

You’re probably worried about us. You’re probably holding your breath, thinking, Won’t they be suffocated by the fumes long before they get burned alive?

But don’t panic – never panic, ever. It won’t help. I learned this the hard way, a long time in the future.

THE YEAR 2053 (A LONG TIME IN THE FUTURE) HOW NOT TO PANIC (THE HARD WAY)

I used to worry all the time.

Then something happened in my life, and soon worrying wasn’t an option any more. I had to learn not to worry.

You can read all about it in my old journal. My publishers have turned it into a ‘Major Publishing Event’, which is basically a book called How to Survive Without Grown-Ups.

It’s got all the gory details in there – you should read it. Or I can probably sum it up here and save you a lot of time…

A few weeks ago, my parents were abducted by Noah, a maniac billionaire with a massive eyeball. He computer-hacked their brains and sent them to Mars, and it was at that point that I realized there’s no point worrying, because bad stuff will or won’t happen, so you may as well get on with your life rather than worrying about whether your parents are going to be Brainless Robots for ever.

Sure, most parents look like this some of the time. But this was my mum and dad all the time. Like they’re staring at a phone. But Without the phone.

Or worrying about whether the big eyeball guy – Noah – was ever going to bring them back.

Yep, just Noah. No surname or anything. Always be suspicious of people who only have one name. Apart from Jesus obvs. And God.

Or worrying about whether your annoyingly genius baby brother is going to have his FACE SUCKED AWAY BY A VAMPIRE SQUID.

Not so genius now, eh, little brother?

OK, hold up. I can see this might all seem a bit deranged and a lot confusing. This is a whole new journal, and it looks like you’re not gonna go and read my first one, so let me give you a SUPER-QUICK, FOUR-PIC SUMMARY:

Back on Earth, after surviving all that, I just stopped worrying.

It was great.

For almost a month, it was absolutely fantastico.

Well, not completely fantastico. Being a ten-year-old in the year 2053 is pretty horrendo (the toilet tells your parents if you’re not eating enough fibre, sweets come with pictures of dead people on them, and school dinners are grown in a lab). And, besides, none of my old problems ever really went away.

My PE teacher was still trying to kill me.

And Mrs Crosse, my maths teacher, was still totally evil.

She’s the first teacher in the history of world teaching to give a kid a nickname and not the other way round.

And it was worse because it was true: I still didn’t have any friends.

BUT that’s not my fault. The school bully, Sadie Snickpick, has had it in for me since Reception. She just hates me. And, if anyone else talks to me, Sadie stuffs their head down the toilet. Making friends is kind of hard when you’re up against that.

Thankfully, I had Myrt. I know, it’s tragic – ten years old and my BFF’s a dog – but it’s better than nothing (even if Myrt’s really angry most of the time and a bit bitey¹).

She looks sooo cute. Even when she’s biting you.

But, anyway, I didn’t just have Myrt; I also had my family. I know it sounds puke-level corny, but my family really were the best thing about my life: Mum, Dad and Johnnie. They were great. Weird as a fish beard, but great.

OK, Johnnie was still a bit of a pain. I love him to bits, but that doesn’t stop him being a five-year-old genius who just sucks attention like a giant attention-sucking black hole.

Basically, my mum ate loads of sardine sandwiches when she was pregnant and this happened:

But even if Johnnie can be a bit annoying sometimes Mum and Dad are genuinely great.

I mean, Dad’s totally distracted half the time, but when he isn’t he’s super fun. I think I told you that Noah computer-hacked Dad’s brain – he put a microchip in it and turned him into a robot. Well, what I didn’t tell you was that, after we rescued Dad, he decided to keep the microchip in, because: ‘Think of all the possibilities!’

He’s permanently linked to the internet now, so he can do ‘Jedi stuff’.

Is Dad trying to flush with mind power?

Mum took the microchip out of her br...

Table of contents

• Cover
• Title Page
• Dedication
• 1. A Long Time Ago
• 2. The Year 2053 (A Long Time in the Future): How Not to Panic (The Hard Way)
• 3. How to Stand Up to a Bully
• 4. How to Survive Without Parents
• 5. How to Build a Time Machine
• 6. How to Have the Best Two Summer Holidays Ever
• 7. How to Survive a Snake Bite
• 8. How to Kill a Tree
• 9. How to Solve a Shoe
• 10. How to Actually Build a Time Machine
• 11. How to Make Time
• 12. How to Have the Best Party Ever
• 13. How to Fly
• 14. How to Survive a Party That’s a Matter of Life and Death
• 15. How to Travel in Time
• 16. How to Be Obliterated
• 17. How to Win a Fight
• 18. How to Surf a Sofa
• 19. How Not to be Killed by a Thing that Really Wants to Kill You
• 20. How to Find a Remote in a Remote Rainforest
• 21. How to Catch a Bully
• 22. How to Survive a Poison Blow Dart
• 23. How to Be a God
• 24. How to Be Burned Alive
• 25. How Go Sphinx Now
• 26. How to Meet a Boy-God
• 27. How to Be a Bit of a Sherlock
• 28. How to Slide Head First Down a Giant Sand Dune
• 29. How to Crawl Into a Snake Pit
• 30. How to Catch a Pig (If You’re a Rock Python)
• 31. How to Wipe the Smile Off Your Brother’s Face
• 32. How to Come up with the Mother of All Cunning Plans
• 33. How to Catch a Bit of Shut-Eye
• 34. How to Jump Out of a Tree
• 35. How to Solve the Riddle of the Sphinx’s Butt
• 36. How to Recover from a Collapsed Brain
• 37. How to Rescue Someone with Sprouts
• 38. How to Run for Your Life
• 39. What to Do When You’re Afraid of the Dark
• 40. How to Escape from a Labyrinth of Death/Doom
• 41. How to Escape a Labyrinth of Death/Doom Without the Dog
• 42. How to Survive the Worst Thing Ever
• 43. How to Meet Your Mum
• 44. How to Say Goodbye to Your Mum
• 45. How to Rescue your Brother from Being Burned Alive
• 46. How to Stop the Greatest Human Sacrifice of All Time
• 47. How to Face It Together
• 48. How to Get Out of a Frying Pan Without Ending Up in the Fire
• 49. How to Win a Game of Lava Floor
• 50. How to Fall Into a Volcano
• 51. How to Survive the End
• 52. Some Time Later
• Editor’s Note
• Appendix 1
• Acknowledgements
• Copyright