Life Questions Every Student Asks

Faithful Responses to Common Issues

Gary M. Burge, David Lauber, Gary M. Burge, David Lauber

• Publisher: IVP Academic
• Year: 2020
• ISBN:
  9780830853335
• Topic: Didattica
• Subtopic: Vita studentesca

Every student asks questions about life beyond the classroom: - What does it mean to be in community?- How can I discern my vocation?- How should I understand marriage and sex?- How should I relate to money and power?- What happens if I doubt my faith?- How should I approach interfaith dialogue?To help students navigate these questions about some of life's most pressing and difficult issues, Gary M. Burge and David Lauber, coeditors of Theology Questions Everyone Asks, have gathered insights from Christian faculty who draw on their own experiences in conversation with students during office hours and over coffee.Sometimes, the deepest learning takes place outside the classroom.

Chapter One

Community and Friendship

GARY M. BURGE

FOR THE LAST TWELVE MONTHS, I’ve been engaged in a form of crisis intervention that I didn’t see coming. It is a long-distance conversation with one of my favorite students (I’ll call her Beth) who graduated from Wheaton College a few years ago.1 Beth was a gifted leader in her class, a sit-in-the-front-row student, an inspiration for her peers, active leading dorm Bible study groups, and a poster child for the admissions office. You know the type. She was even humble about all her achievements, which only made her more impressive. While Beth was at Wheaton, we met often and in some odd way, our relationship morphed from that of a student-professor to something else. A friendship perhaps within the peculiar confines of those limited college years on campus. I’m glad we kept up because now our emails have a foundation of hours upon hours of relationship building that came years before. Both of us are honest and tough in what we say. It’s the honesty part that makes me respect her as much as I do.

But Beth is in a crisis. Career dreams didn’t work out after graduation. She isn’t certain about graduate school and is wise not to enroll someplace just because she needs a place to go. She moved to the city where she’d grown up, but now most of her friends are gone. The guy she thought would be “the one” disappeared sometime in the winter of her senior year. She’s back in her high school bedroom living with her parents who are desperately trying to remember that she’s no longer sixteen. And—this is the surprising part—she announced to me this year that she is officially abandoning her Christian faith: “It simply doesn’t give me a satisfying worldview any longer.” She is looking now for a job, and I think she has two criteria: how much money she can make and how quickly she can move out. It all makes me wish we were back on campus together, having lunch in Wheaton’s Anderson Commons and having a fiercely honest conversation like we used to do.

The one common thread in her life—the one constant I’ve seen since she was a sophomore and I now know reaches back to high school—is that she was the runner who ran alone. Beth likes going fast and far, and she’s competitive. She often crosses every finish line first and alone. And while she collects more trophies and is cheered relentlessly, now the cheering seems muted, the trophies are boxed up someplace, and she sits in the corner of a Starbucks and gets depressed. This is the nightmare scenario that many of my students secretly worry about. Solitary. Filled with self-doubt. Poor. Afraid. Cheerfully working at Forever Twenty-One and hating it.

There are a lot of topics on the table here: vocational discernment, isolation, self-care, poor preparation for life after graduation, and questions about faith. And each of them is legitimate and worthy of long discussion. But these require triage because the truth is, Beth is falling apart. And has been for months.

“Are you surrounded by any sort of community that knows you and loves you—and can speak truthfully into your life?” I ask. That sort of question would be natural on a college campus where we are surrounded by innumerable opportunities for community building inside the dorm, in student development events, athletic programs, chapel, even classroom friendships. But once we graduate, as one student told me, it is like leaving the forest and entering the desert. Which is only partially true. Communities can be built anyplace with the right effort.

But Beth was at a loss. “I found this group that meets at a guy’s house. Most are lapsed evangelicals or post-Christian, and it’s pretty cynical. And we drink a lot.” That’s what I mean about honesty. “Is it a community for you?” “Hardly.”

THE SIGNIFICANCE OF COMMUNITY

When we are not connected to a genuine community, we are fragile and vulnerable. If we fall, there is no net. One of the central facts about us as persons is that we need each other. We are social beings. An assured result of social science research over the last seventy-five years is that we do need each other and that people who live in isolation begin to languish. This is not only true of newborn babies who may be abandoned to a crib for hours on end but also of the elderly for whom isolation is a critical component of their well-being. Careful psychological study has been done since the 1950s on the solitary confinement of prisoners as a form of punishment. Their cell is 80 square feet, smaller than a horse stall. Researchers now consider it cruel and have shown that it creates profound psychological damage. Severe isolation eventually kills us.

But we do not need researchers to tell us this. I imagine that instinctively we know this to be self-evident. We know the desire we had in early school years to fit in. We remember the mild trauma of entering a cafeteria and anxiously hoping someone will wave and call us to a table. We know the desire we had in high school to belong to some team, club, or organization (even if it’s only the prom planning committee)—a tribe really—that meant we belong to something beyond ourselves. Where our name is known. That if we didn’t show up, someone might notice. That if we were sad, someone would care. And that if we had really good news, someone might want to hear it. That desire for human connection and support, for belonging and shared identity is so close to our hearts it can barely be measured. This reflex to some degree explains the rise of social networking (Facebook, Instagram, etc.) where we invite “friends” to join a networked “community.” Of course, many have asked just what sort of community this really is. It’s a fair question.

I remember leading a small seminar with about twenty students a few years ago. We were close and knew each other well. We were all in class one day with the exception of a guy who viewed himself (I guessed) as living on the margin. “Where is Daniel?” I asked. “Dining hall” they answered because they’d seen him there. So I asked if anybody had his cell number. Someone did. And we shared it, and twenty texts hit his phone at once: “We miss you and can’t start without you.” He sprinted to the class, burst in, the class cheered, and we were underway. And it said to everyone there—not just one young man—that we care and you matter. He never forgot this and liked to tell the story laughing. He was no longer on the margin.

This instinctive desire for belonging is why societies throughout the world have built and sustained social structures and networks that give meaning and resilience to life. Good marriages, families, neighborhoods, schools, churches, and jobs each must have some component of community in them, or else, they fail in what we need most. We want to belong. We want to have membership. We want others to recognize that our being there matters. Even advertisers know this. Today they don’t simply sell you a product; they sell you an identity and membership. Subaru owners aren’t consumers, they belong to the Subaru family, which explains why they have owner rallies and events, which (oddly in my mind) gather up thousands of people whose only link is their car. In 2018, eighty-four hundred such people showed up in Stafford Springs, Connecticut, for Subaru’s “Wicked Big Event.” It is fascinating to wonder what they were seeking. Last week, I saw a billboard fifty miles west of Detroit. “Love is out there . . .” “Find it in a new Subaru Crosstrek.” I’m confident most of us are looking for a different sort of love.

On the flip side, no doubt for many of us, by the time we enter adulthood, we have seen innumerable failed communities, friendship betrayals, disloyalties, and disappointments. I have known many students who have come from deeply broken families where the absence of affection and belonging had been damaging to them. And I’ve known many students who thought they were in a community at school but then experienced rejection or judgment, and this had crippling effects on their life. These adults were entering life in their twenties wary and cautious about risking the vulnerability that could come with joining another community or relationship again. “When you’ve been hurt enough times, why set yourself up for it again?” is what one student told me. But our need often outweighs our logic. Our yearning for community makes us try once more. Only in the most tragic cases do a few people decide that a solitary life is going to be their destiny, and so they stop trying altogether. I knew someone in his early thirties who was utterly attached to his dog. It was obvious in how they lived together, almost like roommates. “You two are really close,” I said. My friend responded, “You really can’t count on people, but this guy, well, he’s always there for you.” I was amazed and frankly saddened. But I understood.

CHRISTIAN COMMUNITY

The classic and time-honored treatment of the importance of community was written in 1938 by Dietrich Bonhoeffer, a German pastor, who titled his book Gemeinsames Leben (the common life or shared life). It was translated in 1954 as Life Together. Bonhoeffer was a pastor during the troubling years of Hitler’s reign. He joined the Confessing Church (that resisted Nazi nationalism) and took charge of a clandestine seminary for training young pastors. Life Together is Bonhoeffer’s description of what it means to live in community. During this time he also published Nachfolge (imitation [of Christ]), which was translated into English as The Cost of Discipleship. These two books are timeless treatments that every Christian should know and cherish. For his efforts, Bonhoeffer was arrested by the Gestapo in 1943, sent to prison, and two years later on April 9, 1945, martyred at Flossenbürg concentration camp as the Nazi regime was unraveling.

Bonhoeffer’s first words to us in Life Together come from Scripture: “How good and pleasant it is when God’s people live together in unity” (Ps 133:1). He could have continued:

It is like precious oil poured on the head,

running down on the beard,

running down on Aaron’s beard,

down on the collar of his robe.

It is as if the dew of Hermon

were falling on Mount Zion.

For there the LORD bestows his blessing,

even life forevermore. (Psalm 133:2-3)

What does it mean in these verses when it says: For there the Lord bestows his blessing? Where is “there?” What is this location where goodness and blessing enrich us, where we experience unity and belonging and meaning? For Bonhoeffer (and countless other writers) these words describe what should be a precious reality about the gathered community of the church. It should be a place, as Bonhoeffer wrote, “of incomparable joy and strength” for each of us.2 But go slowly here. The church may be that building you visit once a week. But not necessarily. The church is in its simplest terms the gathering of Jesus’ disciples who come together to love, strengthen, and support one another in the context of gospel and sacrament. The church is simply a community that desires to worship God and develop a clear understanding of the kingdom of Christ and the kingdoms of this world.

But we learn in Life Together that this sort of community is a hard-won reality. Certainly, in 1940s Germany it was. We read about its ideals throughout the New Testament. In books like Ephesians we are offered a lofty promise that the “boundless riches of Christ” can be uncovered here (Eph 3:8), where our gifts are discovered and celebrated (Eph 4:11), and where an invested community speaks “truth in love” so that we mature and deepen our knowledge of love (Eph 4:15-16). In books like Philippians we read about Paul’s vision for how a well-knit community can be a place where we genuinely stand up for each other, where fear is banished, and friendship-destroying competition disappears (Phil 1:27-30). Even in Jesus’ final days his mind was on this church, and he prays that it will become a place that is life-giving and faithful not just to him but to its fellow members (Jn 17:1-19; cf. Jn 13:34-35).

Therefore, the first thing we need to grasp is that we must belong to a sustainable community of fellow believers. This can only be life-giving when (as Bonhoeffer says) the gathering is centered on Jesus and his grace. The more profoundly we have experienced God’s grace and love, the more profoundly we will be able to extend those gifts to others (Rom 15:7). When we have received God’s mercy, then we become merciful. This, Bonhoeffer says, is the foundation. When communities come together in weakness—having received forgiveness and grace—then competition, judgment, accusation, and anger recede. This then forms a community unlike anything in the world; it is a divine or spiritual community where uncanny experiences of love erupt. Posturing and image management—those deadly toxins that seem to be everywhere—can now be set aside. And truth, centered now not on the whims of the society around us, but truth taken from the Scriptures and the great saints who have preceded us, centers and define us.

THE CHURCH

Of course, this is the ideal profile of the church. In every respect it ought to be that place where truth is announced in an understandable way, where lives are changed, where deep friendship is celebrated, and where hospitality is common. Where we can bring our friend and not have to code-switch when we’re there. Where the meaning of the Sunday morning isn’t defined by three hymns, a prayer, an offering, and a three-point sermon. Nor, for that matter, where another liturgy gives just a newer formula: a hymn set with a band, awesome screen graphics, and a funny and urgent message with a guy sporting a soul patch and a black T-shirt.

Neither of these formulas is really what we’re seeking. One may be more entertaining than the other, but they are not a guarantee of anything that will meet our deepest need. When we probe beneath the surface, we may discover that the deeper values we desire are not there. In traditional churches we see formal structures that were established long before we were born. We may hear music that may have the feel of religion from a distant generation. It seems that there is a social organization swirling around the place, but we wonder how or if we can fit in. Or we might decide we do not want to fit in. Few seek us out and fewer still know what to do with us. Sometimes the church can miss the mark of becoming a community. So our aim is not necessarily to join a church but to join a Christian community—and I hope that this is a church that knows how to weave the fabric of community into its life and make us a part of it.

Here in my city (Grand Rapids, Michigan) there are two churches I find intriguing. I know their pastors, and I know their mission. They are aiming at an audience in their twenties or thirties who they claim are postchurch. These are young adults who grew up in church, understand its culture, but quit attending after they left high school. And they swore they never would go back. When the Local Church and Encounter Church began, they were not freewheeling startups. They were led by mature young pastors anchored to other mature congregations. But the key was they knew that something had to change; something was missing, and so they needed to build a community differently. On the first anniversary of the Local Church in 2018, they already had over two hundred postchurch young adults attending regularly.

I wonder how many times I have had conversations with twenty-something adults who tell me that they have given up on church. In their minds they either have a memory of a childhood relic, or they have had ...