Head Girl

Freya Daly Sadgrove

• Publisher: Victoria University Press
• Year: 2021
• Print ISBN: 9781776562961
• eBook ISBN: 9781776563531
• Edition: 1
• Topic: Literature
• Subtopic: Poetry
• Index: Literature

"The first time I read Freya's work I thought . . . uh oh. And then I thought, you have got to be kidding me. And then I thought, God fucking dammit. And then I walked around the house shaking my head thinking . . . OK – alright. And then – finally – I thought, well well well – like a smug policeman. Listen – she's just the best. I'm going to say this so seriously. She is, unfortunately, the absolute best. Trying to write a clever blurb for her feels like an insult to how right and true and deadly this collection is. God, she's just so good. She's the best. She kills me always, every time, and forever." —Hera Lindsay Bird

1

HOUSE RULES

you can’t give me a kiss while Joy Division is playing ..... and tell me you’ll tear ..... me ..... apart ..... and then unfollow me on Instagram .................... you can’t keep doing hot things like ..... blinking ....................you can’t invite me over and introduce me to your damn hens ..... if they are not all named after me .................... you can’t seduce me upon my return from hospital .................... you can’t play a jaunty tune on your pan pipes when I am trying to masturbate .................... you can’t go around not telling everyone you see ..... including strangers ..... about me .................... you can’t bounce on a trampoline ..... with a torch jammed in your crotch ..... and call out to me does yours glow like mine .................... you can’t jump out of a hedge in front of me ..... on a country road ..... and not have me fall in love with you .................... you can’t remember my name .................... you can’t stamp on my face ..... even though it is right there .................... do not give me food or a ride in your car .................... you can’t introduce me to your friend ..... and have them compliment my smile with a resigned look .................... you can’t change my life .................... you can’t take my arm in yours and take me home via a glow worm cave ..... that is just not right .................... you can’t trivialise my psychiatric condition ..... oh wait ..... yeah you can .................... you can’t make me feel special for more than twenty-four hours or you’ll trigger the alarm .................... in this house we know that to drive away a boy ..... is effortless

I USED TO BE HEAD GIRL OF MY HIGH SCHOOL AND NOW I AM A MASSIVE CUNT

my high school boyfriend told me about his depression on a berm

the berm was in Karori where 35 percent of berms are

I burst into tears with real human efficiency

and then I got depression too out of empathy or fomo

I got asthma the same way when I was five years old

kicking the back of the passenger seat : me too actually I have that too

I started taking lithium because some lady wrote about it on the internet

and it sounded cool but then lithium made me fat

I totally wouldn’t care except my boobs have started oozing

over the top of my bra like fart putty with two fingers in it

and I cannot afford a new bra

look I can’t help being a go-getter

if life shoves a walnut through your ribs it’s your destiny

to go get more walnuts it’s the story of my success

just take a look at me now

now I have ten to twelve walnuts in and around me

cleverly disguised as corks on a traditional Australian outback hat

but actually taking up a lot of my field of vision

in each of them I have carved one little word : cunt

and I go around I just go around I just go around and around

and they are whirring in my face but I don’t let it get me down

I’m just going around and around

wearing a pink dress and laughing directly to camera

IN SHREK WHEN FIONA SAYS ‘ THIS IS NOT DIGNIFIED ! ’

I remember taking a shit once in Year One

and my two best friends demanded to come look at it afterwards

‘ disgusting ! ’ they remarked

I was embarrassed but also pleased

I have carpet burn on my knees

which I hate now that I am finally a woman

I hate the way I look up at boys..... I say

to my friends at a cool sleepover wiggling my brows

they are impressed I can tell

every time I try to wink I go cross-eyed

which is a difficult thing to build your sexuality around

but everyone loves and appreciates it like thin ham—

that thin Italian ham

but my fingernails ha

no one loves and appreciates my fingernails

and my rumpus room is filled with old meat

and my breath..... my breath comes in and out of my mouth

but I got tactics like : yeah easy

you just shove a tube down the throat of any silence

and shout right into it it’s a cool way to chat

and you can dance in someone’s lap

ugh can you just humour me though I have like , bad self-esteem

so I really need you all balls deep in love with ya girl

o fate you inhumane bastard—

stick my face in the heat of the moment and rub it around

like a dog in piss

so I can never lean in for the kiss

allow me instead to climb into my steamroller

and drive it slowly over the elastic blister of my feminine power—

make it burst and shower lymph on the gathering crowds

YOU BETTER JERK BITCH

emotions are sacred to boys :

you mustn’t take them in vain

I mean I mustn’t say things like : I love.....

to imagine you glancing up from our Facebook chat—

smiling at Kate dropping your phone on a pile of clothes—

peeling off her jeans

I love to imagine you going slowly down on Kate—

making Kate feel really..........unique

I mustn’t say that

I mustn’t say I really love the way you glance both ways

before kissing me in the street

I intend to come to your birthday party and

fucking flirt with your cousin—

bend over you at a table—

make you clear your throat like a dumbass teenager

but you won’t because you are just

dripping with self-control

dude I bet you practise magic tricks alone in your room

or I want to bet you practise magic tricks alone in your room

I’d like to see you on your knees

crawling to me I’d like to see you recognise your error

or at least stop trusting your gut

otherwise we’ll never get anywhere

no one else in my life is fascinated by you

but if you are ordinary and you don’t even worship me

then I must be mistaken about being a god

and I know I’m not

BAD SEX IN BIG SUBURBS

what will you give up for closeness honey bun

you can get anyone onside with enough booze

and ruthless gentleness people are gagging for a little kindness

people will kill for sympathy these are the seasons of mists baby

and I’m in business I’m a life coach

and I say let’s get drunk among your family compose six texts

to your gap-filler crush

and s...

Table of contents

• Cover
• Title
• Copyright
• Dedication
• Contents
• HUMAN EVOLUTION
• 1
• 2
• 3
• TURDUCKEN
• ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS