Yes So I Said Yes

David Ireland

• Publisher: Methuen Drama
• Year: 2022
• ISBN:
  9781350301146
• Edition: 1
• Topic: Media & Performing Arts
• Subtopic: Theatre Playwriting

It's harder to kill people when there's a peace process on. Ulster Loyalist Alan Black is kept awake every night by his neighbour McCorrick's dog barking. To add to his difficulties, McCorrick refuses to acknowledge that he even owns a dog, let alone one that is creating a disturbance. In a Northern Ireland he barely recognises, where politics has proved just to be the continuation of war by other means, a disconsolate Alan sets out to rid himself of the incessant noise. As he seeks help from authority figures, he finally – as a very last resort – turns to the only voice he can really trust, Eamonn Holmes… Coinciding with the 100th anniversary of the partition of Ireland and the foundation of Northern Ireland, Yes So I Said Yes is a blackly comic, ferocious, dystopian satire about what it's like to feel alone in a place where everyone else is conspiring to erase you and your history. This edition was published to coincide with the production at London's Finborough Theatre in November 2021.

1: And so out of desperation I turned to a doctor

The Mount Surgery, East Belfast.

Snuffy I find that I can’t piss right anymore.

Dr O’HaraMmhmm.

SnuffyAnd I don’t sleep. I hardly ever sleep.

The noise of a dog, a barking dog, it keeps me awake all night.

Dr O’HaraAlright.

SnuffyAnd my ears are sore.

Dr O’HaraWith the noise of the dog?

Snuffy No, with something else. It’s like it’s inside my ears.

Dr O’HaraLet me take a look.

He checks Snuffy’s left ear.

Dr O’HaraEverything’s fine with that ear.

Is it both ears you’re experiencing the pain?

Snuffy It’s mainly the right.

Dr O’HaraLet’s have a look at the right.

He checks Snuffy’s right ear.

Dr O’HaraNope, it’s all fine.

Snuffy Are you sure?

Dr O’HaraThere’s nothing wrong with your ears.

You’ve very small ears.

Snuffy Do I?

Dr O’HaraVery small ears. Do you get headaches?

Snuffy Yeah, I do. I get headaches all the time.

Dr O’HaraDo you have any hobbies?

Snuffy I don’t know what you mean.

Dr O’HaraDo you have hobbies? Things that you do to relax. Like fishing.

Snuffy Fishing?

Dr O’HaraThat’s my hobby.

Snuffy No I don’t fish.

Dr O’HaraDo you play golf?

Snuffy No.

Dr O’HaraSo you’ve no hobbies.

Snuffy I listen to the radio.

Dr O’HaraAnd do you find that relaxes you?

Snuffy No not at all.

Dr O’HaraI suggest that you find some hobbies.

Snuffy But why would that be giving me a headache?

Dr O’HaraHave you heard of depression?

Snuffy Yes.

Dr O’HaraI think you might be suffering from depression.

Snuffy Is it bad?

Dr O’HaraIt’s important at this stage not to be negative about it.

Snuffy I don’t want to be depressed.

Dr O’HaraI’m afraid that you might be. Do you get tired?

Snuffy Yes. I don’t sleep, as I’ve said.

Dr O’HaraThere doesn’t seem to be anything wrong with you.

Snuffy Except that I’m depressed?

Dr O’HaraDo you get sad?

Snuffy Yes.

Dr O’HaraTell me about that.

Snuffy I get so sad I can barely stand up.

Dr O’HaraAre you married?

Snuffy No.

Dr O’HaraAre you a homosexual?

Snuffy No.

Dr O’HaraIt’s acceptable. It’s acceptable these days to be a homosexual.

Snuffy Yes I know.

Dr O’HaraBut you’re not?

Snuffy No.

Dr O’HaraAre you lonely?

Snuffy Lonely?

Dr O’HaraAre you lonely?

Would you describe yourself as lonely?

Would you describe yourself in general terms as lonely?

Snuffy I su...