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Electric Rosary (NHB Modern Plays)
Tim Foley
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eBook - ePub
Electric Rosary (NHB Modern Plays)
Tim Foley
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About This Book
Behind the crumbling walls of St Grace's Convent, an exhausted order of nuns needs resurrecting. As Easter approaches, Mother Elizabeth has just the thing.
Behold 'Mary', a council-funded robot. Practical and surprisingly funny, for some a blessing, for others a curse â could she be the revelation they have all been praying for?
Electric Rosary is a sharp, timely and gloriously funny play by Tim Foley, asking what faith really means in the age of artificial intelligence and what it is to be human in tomorrow's world. It was a Judges' Award winner in the Bruntwood Prize for Playwriting, and premiered at the Royal Exchange Theatre, Manchester, in April 2022.
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ACT ONE
17 February â Shrove Tuesday
Late afternoon. Itâs raining.
Plastic chairs in a circle. A small trolley sits nearby holding a teapot, a pile of cakes, and a photo of the Old Mother. There is a projector hooked up to an old laptop. Buckets squat around the room.
PHILIPPA sits in the circle, head down, holding her bottle of pills. She takes one.
THERESA stares out of the window with binoculars.
THERESA. Oh! (Pause.) Oh! (Pause.) Oh!
PHILIPPA. What is it Theresa
THERESA. All the letters are just â oh!
PHILIPPA. Weâll stick them back on when the weatherâs better
THERESA. Weâve lost the C, the O â both Ns of CONVENT! Now it just reads, âST GRACE â VETâ. I know sheâs holy and everything but I donât know how good she is with animals. What if the letters are lost for good? Swallowed in the mud? Nothing good about that. âLost for badâ, thatâs what we should â oh! âST GRACE E.T.â â sheâs an alien now!
PHILIPPA. Enough of all that, start stacking the chairs
PHILIPPA starts stacking the chairs. THERESA keeps staring out.
THERESA. But thatâs why nobodyâs here, isnât it?
PHILIPPA. Yes, our patron saint came and beamed them all away
THERESA. Theyâve no sign to guide them â
PHILIPPA. Weâve ten minutes till vespers â
THERESA. Theyâre lost in the fields, theyâre stuck in the rain â
PHILIPPA. Theresa. Nobodyâs here because nobody cares
THERESA. People care Sister Philippa! There were plenty at the funeral
PHILIPPA. Plenty? Twenty
THERESA. There were more than twenty
PHILIPPA. I counted, precisely twenty
THERESA. Twentyâs good. Twenty-one, if you, count the Old Mother
PHILIPPA (beat). When you tot up attendance at a funeral, Theresa, donât include the departed. Itâs assumed theyâll be there. You can make silly remarks like that to me, but if Sister Constance hears you â
THERESA. No no no I know. (Beat.) Where is, Sister Constance?
PHILIPPA. No idea. Iâve texted her
THERESA. Is that why Mother Elizabeth stormed off?
PHILIPPA. Possibly. Probably. That and the lack of, of, doesnât help. Weâll be alright. My aches and pains are going away. And you be on your best behaviour this evening
THERESA. Will everyone be miserable?
PHILIPPA. We wonât be by compline. (Gestures to trolley.) Need to eat all these before tomorrow. Brace yourself for a sugar rush, weâll be bouncing off the walls for days
Thud thud thud on the ceiling.
I see Sister Patricia has started, I took her up a sweet bun earlier
THERESA. Oh no. So did I
PHILIPPA. Two buns deep, weâve well and truly lost her
THERESA. Are we still having pancakes?
PHILIPPA. On top of all of this?
THERESA. Penance and Pancakes, itâs tradition
PHILIPPA. Oh, if itâs tradition
THERESA. And thatâs why nobody came. Theyâre clearing out their cupboards and laughing in their kitchens. Itâs the last happy day for a while
CONSTANCE enters from the rain. Dripping wet, speckled with mud. Sheâs haunted by terrible news, but sheâll tell no one.
CONSTANCE. I know Christ can walk on water, but even He would struggle in this mud. (To THERESA.) Lord Almighty girl, sort that hair out. When was the last time you polished your shoes?
THERESA. Sorry Sister Constance
CONSTANCE. I presume youâre giving up standards for Lent
THERESA. Iâm giving up sugar
CONSTANCE. Shouldnât give up anything at all. Make yourself useful for once, learn a new skill. Any skill, for that matter. I need to learn how to evade technological oppression. Use those goggles to watch the Reapers girl, theyâre creeping ever closer
PHILIPPA. Theyâre doing no such thing
CONSTANCE. I assume this was you, Philippa. (Holds up mobile.) Deftly slipped upon my person, so you can keep a track of me
PHILIPPA. So you can stay in touch, Sister Constance
CONSTANCE. And how am I meant to do that when your words dissolve into a random string of letters? Looks like that blasted sign out there
THERESA. Oh!
PHILIPPA. Is she still an alien, Theresa?
THERESA. Yes but sheâs not a saint any more
CONSTANCE (peers at phone). âWhere r uâ, well I get that bit, âE v xâ?
PHILIPPA. âElizabeth very crossâ.
CONSTANCE. Oh is she now, why, she see the state of this one?
PHILIPPA. If weâre discussing anybodyâs appearance â but weâre not getting into that, weâre going to work together and get this cleared up
CONSTANCE. Not as though we have prayers here any more
PHILIPPA. That doesnât mean it should go to wrack and ruin. The projector?
CONSTANCE. What about it?
PHILIPPA. Will you pack it away?
CONSTANCE. Iâve no idea how it works
PHILIPPA. Does that prevent you from putting it in a box?
CONSTANCE. Iâve just got back, give us a moment
PHILIPPA goes to the projector.
THERESA. Sister Philippa â before you â could we watch the slideshow again?
PHILIPPA. We donât have time Theresa â
THERESA. Just the pictures of the Old Mother in Ecuador. We can imagine weâre with our sisters out there
PHILIPPA. We will be soon enough
CONSTANCE. Donât start with all that
PHILIPPA. Summer will be here before we know it
CONSTANCE. Iâm not convinced thereâll be summer again
THERESA. Oh but there will be Sister Constance, and we need to be prepared! The sunny weather. The glorious walk. Weâll take the pilgrimâs path and rest in the beautiful gardens, the beautiful beautiful gardens! Yes, the best rest. And itâll be so bright! Weâll bathe in the light of the Lord! Iâm re-reading all their postcards. Looking at the pictures. One of them is a photo of a statue of the little baby Jesus in a Panama hat!
CONSTANCE. Aye, looking forward to all that scrimping and saving. Canât wait to buy you a ticket
THERESA. Thank you Sister Constance
CONSTANCE. A one-way ticket
THERESA. Oh thank you thank you! So letâs look at the photographs one last time Sister Philippa. We might even cheer up Mother Elizabeth!
CONSTANCE. Acting, Mother
PHILIPPA (beat). Iâll give you the laptop later Theresa, peruse them at your leisure, but right now we donât, look, just, leave this to us, go check on Sister Patricia, make sure she hasnât got crumbs all over her bed
THERESA. Yes Sister Philippa
THERESA exits.
PHILIPPA puts away the projector.
CONSTANCE. âCrumbsâ. Did you give Sister Patricia a bun
PHILIPPA...