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ACT ONE
Storming Palestinian hip-hop.
House lights stay up, everyone chats.
REEM enters, clutching a piece of paper.
REEMI’m supposed to read this out before we start.
It’s from the guy who wrote this play.
Then she hands the paper to SAYEED. He reads it out:
SAYEEDWARNING
The play you are about to see is not pro-Palestinian.
Or pro-Israeli. Or anti-Israeli.
Or anti-Palestinian.
Or anything that is pro or anti anyone or anything that could possibly be construed as
REEMsnatches the piece of paper, throws it away.
REEMMy god, is this serious? Did he have a gun to his head when he wrote this?
REEM looks at the audience.
I’m starting with a joke: two Palestinians, couple of women, about to go dogging. It’s late at night, middle of nowhere, both getting in the mood, and one says to the other Man, you are gonna love it, there’s all these Arab hunks and you just get to fuck ’em. and the other one’s like
Yum.
and the first one goes
Sometimes, I wish some Israelis would turn up, cos I’d sling on a strap-on and fuck them, right in the arse, fuck them so hard they’ll know what it’s like to get occupied. and the other one goes
Oh snap cos the first one’s just been tied up, arrested, slung into the back of a van, and you thought this was a joke, but it’s not, it’s serious, this is a Serious Play About Palestine.
No one is allowed to laugh.
So fuck you, go home, have some respect – here’s the prologue:
Two Palestinians Go Dogging
Beat.
I’m kidding – of course you can laugh.
But only if I say something funny.
And dogging is not funny.
SAYEEDIt’s quite funny.
REEMShut up Sayeed.
That’s Sayeed, by the way.
Reem and Sayeed: I’m the clever one, he’s the twat.
SAYEEDPlease don’t call me a twat.
REEMBut I love him really. We’re gonna go dogging. Aren’t we?
SAYEEDI hope so.
REEMOf course we are, but first – we are gonna need a lot of context.
The year is twenty forty-three.
Half of you are dead, the other half are voting Tory, things are tense.
People are on edge, the Fifth Intifada is right around the corner.
And we’ll get to that in a minute but right now, we’re gonna have outdoor sex.
Two important things about where we are. Number one: we are on a contested piece of land, near to our village of Beit al-Qadir, which is next to a settlement, which is east of Jerusalem.
Strict security, IDF patrols.
Number two: for Palestinians, this is a dogging hotspot.
Every Thursday.
We get turned on by the risk.
I’m serious: google it.
VILLAGERS join them, one by one.
They all assume the dogging position.
It starts with a bit of touching.
We’re not completely naked, just pants-round-the-ankles-sort-of-thing.
Small group of us – but people come and go.
–
That’s funny, by the way, that deserves a bigger laugh: come and go.
Whatever.
Things start heating up.
You can feel all the rough Palestinian hands. All slipping over each other, scraping, sparks flying, as our hands fumble and sweat – and sometimes nails scratch, and blisters catch, and it’s all desperate. A bit too panicked, a bit too clammy.
They all start growling – like dogs.
And as the dogging heats up, the growls will turn to barks, will turn to full-on climactic howling.
And I know it’s dark but my eyes are getting used to it so I can make out Sayeed’s outline as someone grabs on to him. I can see a hand connected to an arm, to a body, and I can’t tell if the body’s a man or a woman but it doesn’t matter cos it’s
It’s nice.
So I help – I grab on to Sayeed. And someone tries grabbing on to me.
It’s very nice.
They f...
