If This Is Normal

Lucy Danser

• Publisher: Methuen Drama
• Year: 2022
• Print ISBN: 9781350340190
• eBook ISBN: 9781350340213
• Edition: 1
• Topic: Media & Performing Arts
• Subtopic: British Drama

I don't know how to feel. I know I should feel special. Changed. Like a woman. Maybe a little bit sore. A sore woman. But happy. And I don't. Growing up in Kilburn, siblings Madani, Maryam and school mate Alex hit it off from the moment they meet. 10 years later, playground chats about ninja turtles, annoying aunties and secret swearing have been kicked out by teen opinions powered by podcasts, porn and politics. Still, best friends can talk about anything. So why are there suddenly so many things left unsaid between the three? A comedy drama play about coming of age in a world of information overload and weaponised language.

Chapter

Lights up. A soundscape plays: it’s heavy, atmospheric, slightly foreboding. Madani and Alex are standing on stage staring at each other. There’s something wrong, something slightly off but it’s not entirely clear what it is. It’s up to the director what happens here. Do they touch? Or do they just stand and stare, uneasy and lost? The sounds increase in volume and climax with a black out. Alex exits.

Present day. Kilburn, North West London. A burst of pop music circa 2021. Lights up. Madani in centre stage, full of energy. The vibe is light, happy, hopeful. It couldn’t be more different from a moment ago. He’s running late and in a rush. At first he’s talking directly to the audience.

Madani The gym. Saturday morning. 8 am. Boxfit class. I’m teaching yeah?

He shifts tone for a second, slightly less pumped as he looks around him. This isn’t his favourite part of the gym by any means.

The changing room? It is not the place to be. Guys everywhere. Pumped up, tops off, dicks out. It ain’t pretty. I don’t know where to look, man! I see dads here after school with their kids, acting like it’s the most natural thing in the world to be bare arsed walking around this tiny, sweaty room. I never came here with my dad. First time I stepped into this changing room I was fourteen, on my own and I thought, I’m never coming back here!

He steps out into the main area of the gym.

But in the gym, in my studio? Well, I feel like everything is right in the world. The gym, man, it’s got the best vibe. It’s such a great place to think, to like focus.

He starts warming up.

At school, right, the teachers, they thought I was thick as two planks. But Phil? He saw me. He saw I got a brain for this business. Like in my class, you learn some boxing, yeah, but we’re sculpting, we’re conditioning.

He’s in the groove now. He’s talking like he’s addressing his class. Like he’s selling them his product.

We’re making bodies lean and strong. My plan? I’m gonna build this up, classes, courses . . . I’ll be the next Joe Wicks, yeah! And then? Madani’s Gym! I’ll be the man! I’ll be making money! Buy my mum a new house! Madani’s Gym.

Lights change. Music off. Maryam joins Madani on stage. It’s 2011 and they’re ten years younger.

Madani (to audience)Ten years ago, right, we weren’t living here. We were like an hour outside of London. In a proper Muslim Pakistani community. Uncles, aunties, cousins coming out of your arse. Good thing was you always had someone to play with.

Maryam Bad thing was everyone wanted a bit of you.

Madani Nah, that was just you. I was too cool.

Maryam hits him lightly and responds sulkily.

Maryam No, it’s cos I’m a girl.

Madani dismisses this complaint. He hears it from her often.

Madani Whatever.

Maryam (to audience)When I was six, Auntie came over to show me how to wear a hijab.

Madani (to Maryam)Oh man! You screamed so loud!

Maryam She thought she’d stuck a pin in me!

Madani And then she screamed too and started praying!

Madani pretends to be their aunt, praying and Maryam joins in.

Madani Ya Allah /

Maryam Ya Allah /

Madani and Maryam Ya Allah /

They both laugh.

Madani Man, Dad was pissed off.

The mood drops slightly.

Maryam Yeah.

Madani Yeah.

Alex enters and joins them.

Alex (to audience)My family have packed up our entire lives. That’s all my dresses and books and Disney Store teddies. Obviously. It’s all mashed into the back of a huge van, with clothes and kitchen stuff and DVDs. It took three weeks to pack everything up and two van journeys to get it all here and it feels weird because we’ve literally only moved across London. From south to north. But everything feels different, like we’re in a whole new city. And I don’t know anyone.

Maryam It’s not a good story. Why we moved here.

Madani But we’re here. And it seems like it might be okay.

Maryam The house is small.

AlexSo much space!

Maryam Mum has the smallest room because she’s rubbish at doing anything nice for herself.

AlexBefore, my bedroom was like an actual box. Like I’m Harry Potter in the first book. But my parents are alive. Sorry, spoiler!

Madani Uncle and Auntie, they live round the corner and Uncle, he picked me up when we arrived this morning to take me for a ‘man’s walk’. I was proper excited. Put on my Nikes that I bought with the money I earned selling my old toys at the car boot sales. I told Uncle and he said I was a proper intriprinewt /

Maryam (to Madani)/ A what?

Madani (to Maryam)An intriprinewt. He said /

Madani goes to continue talking but Maryam interrupts again, teasing him.

Maryam / Sorry, say that again?

Madani (annoyed)Stop it!

Maryam Oh sorry, Mr In...

Table of contents

• Cover
• Title Page
• Cast/ Creative List
• If This Is Normal UK Tour
• With thanks to
• Contents
• If This Is Normal
• Chapter
• eCopyright