PART I

What Is Anger?

CHAPTER 1

The 24 Forms of Anger

The 24 Forms of Anger

1. Straightforward Anger—Attack This is anger that is clear-cut and easy to recognize. You feel angry and express it directly. Often the anger comes right out. Many regret it afterward, saying, “I was so angry, I couldn’t control myself.” This kind of anger has a life of its own; it rises like a flash storm and can easily turn into verbal, emotional, and physical abuse. When this kind of anger escalates it can lead to beatings, car crashes, accidents, murder, and wars of all kinds.
2. Hypocrisy You are angry and you know it, but you hide it beneath a smile and present a false persona, pretending to be someone you’re not. You consciously behave in a way that hides who you really are and how you feel. This behavior evolves into hypocrisy and bad faith of all kinds. Although you think you are fooling others, in truth you are losing yourself and your own self-respect.
3. Stealing—Taking That Which Has Not Been Given This form of anger causes you to see yourself as being deprived, having less than others, and deserving to have what is theirs. Rather than being in touch with the natural abundance of life and ability to get what you need, you take it away from others. You envy their good fortune and seek to undo it. This form of anger refers to stealing material possessions as well as interfering with relationships others are enjoying that you feel you lack.
4. Lying and Deception Lying and other forms of deception arise from anger and ill will. When this form of anger arises we fool another, harm, trick, or create confusion in their lives. This arises from lack of respect for oneself, for life, and for others. We are living a life based upon bad faith. However, when we fool others we also fool ourselves. Engaging in this behavior takes our own truth from us as well. Subtly or overtly, others lose their trust in us.
5. Depression Depression is so pervasive these days that it may sometimes be difficult to recognize. There are the severe forms of depression, which disable an individual and are clear-cut. However, depression manifests in many other ways as well, as needing excessive sleep, lack of ability to concentrate, disturbing thoughts and dreams, difficulty eating, subtly harming self and others, and in many other ways. Depression is anger and rage turned against oneself. It comes from not being able to identify or express (appropriately) the anger one is feeling. Although unacknowledged, the anger is there and in depression it turns against and attacks the person who is experiencing it.
6. Withdrawal Withdrawal is often a part of depression. It can arise from the fact that we do not feel “good enough.” We cannot find our place in society or feel that we belong or can make a significant contribution of any kind. We feel shame and inadequacy, and we withdraw. When an individual is withdrawing, isolating themselves, or joining exclusive groups that are based upon hate or rejection of others, this is fueled by anger. The world and society at large are then viewed in a negative manner.
7. Passive Aggression Passive aggression is a form of anger expressed not by what we do but by what we do not do. An individual who is passive-aggressive knows exactly what the other person wants and needs, and simply does not do it. In this manner they upset and often enrage the other, while making it seem as though the other is overly demanding. This is a way of expressing anger without taking responsibility for it and at the same time blaming the other for outcomes of one’s own behavior.
8. Hopelessness Hopelessness comes when we feel there is nothing we can do to handle the situation, emotions, or life we are living. The basic anger within destroys our innate sense of personal power, will, commitment, and ability to make a difference in the world. Hopelessness and despair can live inside an individual unrecognized. If they are present for too long, they often give rise to physical, mental, and emotional symptoms of all kinds. In order to heal these symptoms, it is often helpful to get back to the despair a person is feeling, and beneath that to the anger that is fueling this sense of impotence.
9. Suicide and Suicidal Thoughts Suicide, especially among young people, is more prevalent than ever today. As suicide and suicidal thoughts arise from feelings of hopelessness and despair, these feelings themselves are a direct expression of anger. Suicide is murder turned against oneself. Make no mistake, there is deep rage lying beneath this act and beneath the suicidal thoughts that accost an individual. Oddly enough, suicide often seems the only way to regain power, to get revenge on those who have hurt us, and also to get control over one’s life and body. It is a way of pleading for attention that the suicidal person feels he or she cannot get in any other way. Pay close attention when suicidal ideas arise and persist. Even better than that, stop this process before it starts. Learn how to uncover anger and root it out at its source.
10. Burnout Many individuals become exhausted and depleted either by their jobs or by relationships they are in. It becomes more and more difficult to experience enthusiasm, pleasure, and even the will to go on. At that time many feel that a rest, break, or renewal is the best cure for this feeling. Although these can be beneficial, it’s important to note that the deepest cause of burnout is unacknowledged anger, which comes from frustration and insufficient rewards. Often, a person’s dreams and goals have not been fulfilled and he or she grows tired of trying. Often, important communications the person has made have not been heard or responded to. It is necessary here to step back a moment and feel the anger underneath, to recognize the sense of being stopped and blocked in what one wants the most. When this is cleared out, appropriate action becomes clear and new forms of enthusiasm arise.
11. Self-Sabotage Self-sabotage is all too common in many forms. When things are going well at work or in relationships, many individuals sabotage themselves and their relationships in all kinds of subtle and unconscious ways. They stop their good from coming their way. They create upset in those around them. They forget to take important actions that are required for their projects. They say things they do not mean. This is all unintended and arises from the deeper feeling that they do not deserve to succeed. They are punishing themselves, due to anger turned within.
12. Low Self-Esteem When we see self-sabotage we also see low self-esteem. This is a lack of love, caring, and respect directed against the self. The low self-esteem is the result of anger. We have not pleased ourselves. Perhaps we have perfectionist standards. Perhaps we could not please important people in our lives when we were younger and still carry the bitter wounds around. Now we continue this negative behavior by thinking poorly of ourselves. We judge ourselves poorly. We find the worst in ourselves. We dwell upon our errors and imperfections. We quickly become our own worst enemy. Low self-esteem is the root cause of many other manifestations of anger that can become more and more severe.
13. Compulsions Compulsions of all kinds can be thought of as defense mechanisms to bind the anxiety that arises from the anger we feel. When we carry a great deal of anger and it is unacceptable to us, we then need to find ways to avoid it, control it, and express it in hidden and distorted forms. Compulsions then arise. We become compelled to perform certain acts. These acts can unconsciously become expiation for the guilt we feel about our own anger. The compulsions and the rituals that accompany them can also be symbolic expressions of the anger in acceptable ways. For instance, the compulsion many have to play violent video games is an acceptable way to express the violence and rage they suffer from within.
14. Obsessions Obsessions arise when we have a situation that we cannot resolve. There is something that has not been understood, come to terms with, or completed. We refuse to let the situation go. Often the energy that keeps obsession going is anger or revenge. When we find ourselves thinking about the same situation or person over and over, we see that there has been a wound to the individual and release and forgiveness are needed. If we cannot forgive the person who has wounded us, the obsession with the injury done us can easily consume our lives.
15. Desire for Revenge Revenge and revenge fantasies are, unfortunately, very common. When individuals have been hurt or wounded, they believe that the way to heal their wound and restore justice is by harming the other person equally. In this way they descend to the other’s level and become gripped by anger and rage. Holding on to thoughts of revenge is holding on to poison. Not only does the anger grow and affect a person’s entire system, but even if one is able to exact the revenge they desire, it often is unfulfilling. And then, as a result of dwelling upon hate and anger, it is easy to attract more of that in your life.
16. Addictions We often become addicted to various substances as a way of numbing our feelings and blocking out anger. Through addiction we give ourselves what feels like pleasure, security, or safety, though it is temporary. The more we cling to the addiction, the more of it we need, and the more intense the feelings, which are rumbling beneath the surface, become as well.
    We can also become addicted to anger. For some anger is a substance that gives a false sense of power, security, safety, and control. Anger becomes who they are and characterizes their way of walking in the world. However, just as with any addiction, there is a tremendous price to pay. And these feelings of power and strength are only illusory. When real power, strength, and understanding are needed, anger cannot provide them at all.
17. Psychosomatic Disorders For many individuals anger becomes expressed th...