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1 p.m.
Outside.
PATRICIA stands alone. Shocked.
Shit.
Hi.
Oh my God.
Hi, no Iāve said that.
Hi.
Pause.
Iā¦ I umā¦ I didnāt know you were back. I just ā
no you go ā
I just wasnāt expecting to see you.
When did you get back? You didnāt tell me?
Thatās great. I just wasnāt expecting to see you.
Permanently? Sorry, didnāt mean to cut you off but, permanently?
Oh.
No, thatās great.
Yeah.
Yeah, good for you, thatās great.
Iām good. Iām really good. Really good.
Same old, same old really.
Yep, still cycling.
Good for the head. Clear head, you know?
No, actually no, Iāveā¦ um. Iām still with Mum.
Beat.
Still need looking after.
Pause.
She looks at her shaking hands.
I hadā¦ I had so much I wanted to say to you. Itās literally all gone. I justā¦ I just didnāt know. I wish Iād known.
Pause.
Iām not making a scene?
Iām not angry. Well I am. I am very angry. But Iām not getting angry. Okay?
Iām not making a fucking scene.
Christ! Can you ā I swear to God ā
Pause.
Sorry.
Beat.
Look, can I ā
ā no, I need to interrupt ā
Well I think I can soā¦
Enough!
I donātā¦
Iām going to go now.
Yeah.
I need to umā¦ bye.
PATRICIA goes to exitā¦
What?
I mean no, I donāt, butā¦
I just donāt think thatās a good idea.
I donātā¦
Okay.
Okay, half eight. Okay.
Iāll see you there.
Goodbye.
Pause.
Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit.
PATRICIA has a panic attack.
4 p.m.
Inside.
Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit.
ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
Jesus it wasnāt like I was unprepared. Not like I havenāt imagined that conversation over and over and over. FUCK ME. I have had a speech planned for a goddamn year. And itās beautiful. It is so good; the aggression, the burns, just the general tone. Itās so suave and sophisticated, like properā¦ āI am a woman and I define meā¦ā I have been crafting that shit in daydreams and showers and cyclingā¦ and I said āhi.ā THREE TIMES. I really feel like one would have been enough, if not too many. But, wow, well done me, three times. Thatās justā¦ thatās soā¦ yeah.
Patricia āhi hi hiā Eleanor Williams.
Thatās just great. Great. No, no, no, thatās exactly how I wanted it to go. Really the assertive image I wanted to leave him with. Yeah, Iām really fucking sure he sees how much of a grown-ass woman I am now. Doesnāt think of me as little now. Definitely not weak any more! Christ!
And dinner? Oh yes mate Iād love to go to dinner with you, can think of nothing Iād rather do. Three courses, letās get a tasting menu, looking forward to it. I MEAN COME ON.
Why do ā why do ā why do you betray yourself like that? I mean, I knew, my brain knew, what I wanted to say but it justā¦ couldnāt.
Coward.
I feel so angry. I feel SO angry.
Fucking coward.
This is so deeply embarrassing. I canāt believe I couldnātā¦ After all this time, itās been enough time, I canāt believe I just couldnātā¦
I could just not show up. Stand him up. Of course that is the clever, high-ground, middle-finger option, butā¦ well we all know Iām going to go. If I canāt even say āfuck youā to the man, then Iām not going to leave him sat alone at a restaurant am I.
No. I said hello to him three times, Iām not going to stand him up.
I could say it to him at the restaurant. I could say it all to him at the restaurant.
Would that be making a scene?
I feel like if I spoke really low and calmly itād be like, even more powerful, even moreā¦ umph. You know? Yeah. Yeah. Thatād be really good, and get it all out before he even orders so I can just storm out and leave him lonely and embarrassed and hungry.
Unless heās already ordered before I arrive? At least drinks. Thereāll be drinks on the table. God! That is such a him move. Heās such aā¦ such aā¦
Theyāll be two fucking Negronis on the table, Iād put money on it.
Coward. Jesus.
Coward. Noun. A person who is contemptibly lacking in the courage to do or endure dangerous or unpleasant things.
ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
Shit.
PATRICIA gets in the shower and wraps a towel round her head.
She listens to āSelfā by Noname.
PATRICIA applies face creams/body creams, etcā¦ until 5 p.m.
Heās always been a charming little shit. I really thought Iād be angrierā¦ seeing himā¦ out in the wild, as it were. I thought Iād feel this real fury, this realā¦ red. But I didnāt, at all. There was a moment in time when he didnāt exist and I was happyā¦ well I was fineā¦ and BAM. All of a sudden Iām back to whatever I was back whenā¦ Well back then.
You scan yourself and just feel embarrassedā¦ that Iām not doing better? That Iāve not conquered Everest or started my own Etsy shop selling keyrings of cult comedies or some shit. Like, any ex, you run into any ex and you want to be able to tell them that youāre doing better, eating healthier, feeling happier, shagging a celebrity, shagging a woman ā Iām not a good liar.
I got good at it, for a bit, when I was with himā¦
guess itās really easy to lie when youāve got no one to talk to. But then when you tell the truth to one person it just floods. Like youāve been biting your tongue for so long and your mouthās filled with blood and then you open it to speak andā¦ Floods. And you drown and erode in the pour-down that youāre wishing on the person who made you lie in the first place.
Flood. Noun. A (usually disastrous) overflow of water from a lake or other body of water due to excessive rainfall or other input of water.
I mean, weāre just water, right? So yeah, floods.
Except heās not water. He wasnāt ever water. ...
