The Taste of Apple Seeds

Katharina Hagena, Jamie Bulloch

• Publisher: Atlantic Books
• Year: 2013
• Print ISBN:
  9780857891006
• eBook ISBN:
  9781782390794
• Topic: Literature
• Subtopic: Literature General
• Index: Literature

For Iris, childhood memories are of long hot summers spent playing with her cousin Rosmarie in her grandmother's garden, a place where redcurrants turned to pale tears on the branches of trees and beautiful Aunt Inga shook sparks from the tips of her fingers. But now her grandmother is dead and, along with inheriting the property, Iris finds that she also inherits her family's darkest secrets. Reluctant to keep it, but reluctant to sell, Iris spends one more summer at the house. By day she swims at the local lake, where she rediscovers a childhood companion. Alone at night she roams through the familiar rooms, exploring the tall black shadows of the past. In the flicker between remembrance and forgetting, Iris recalls an enigmatic grandfather who went to war and came back a different man, the night her cousin Rosmarie fell through the conservatory roof and shattered her family's lives, and a moment of love that made the old tree in the orchard bloom overnight.

Contents

Chapter I

Chapter II

Chapter III

Chapter IV

Chapter V

Chapter VI

Chapter VII

Chapter VIII

Chapter IX

Chapter X

Chapter XI

Chapter XII

Chapter I

GREAT-AUNT ANNA DIED FROM PNEUMONIA when she was sixteen. They couldn’t cure it because her heart was broken and penicillin hadn’t yet been invented. It happened late one July afternoon. Anna’s younger sister, Bertha, ran howling into the garden and saw that with Anna’s rattling, dying breath all the redcurrants in the garden had turned white. It was a large garden; the scores of old currant bushes groaned under the heavy weight of the fruit. They should have been picked long before, but when Anna fell ill nobody gave a thought to the berries. My grandmother often told me this story, because it was she who had discovered the currants in mourning. Since that time there had only ever been blackcurrants and whitecurrants in my grandmother’s garden, and every attempt to plant a red bush had failed – only white berries would grow on the stems. But nobody minded: the white ones tasted almost as sweet as the red, when you juiced them they didn’t ruin your apron, and the jelly they made had a mysteriously pale translucent shimmer. ‘Preserved tears,’ my grandmother called it. The shelves in her cellar still housed jars of all sizes with the currant jelly from 1981, a summer particularly rich in tears, Rosmarie’s final one. Once when my mother was looking for some pickled cucumbers she came across a jar from 1945: the first post-war tears. She donated it to the windmill association, and when I asked her why on earth she was giving away Granny’s wonderful jelly to a local museum she said that those tears were too bitter.

My grandmother Bertha Lünschen, née Deelwater, died long after Great-Aunt Anna, but for many years she hadn’t known who her sister was, what her own name was, or whether it was winter or summer. She had forgotten what shoes, wool or spoons were for. Over a decade she cast off her memories with the same fidgety ease with which she plucked at the short white locks of hair at the nape of her neck or swept invisible crumbs from the table. I had a clearer recollection of the noise the hard, dry skin of her hand made on the wooden kitchen table than of the features of her face. Also of the way her ringed fingers always closed tightly around the invisible crumbs, as if trying to catch the shadows of her spirit drifting by; but maybe Bertha just wanted to cover the floor with crumbs, or feed the sparrows that in early summer loved taking dust baths in the garden and were forever uprooting the radishes. The table she later had in the care home was plastic, and her hand fell silent.

Before her memory went completely, Bertha remembered us in her will. My mother, Christa, inherited the land, Aunt Inga the stocks and shares, Aunt Harriet the money. I, the final descendant, inherited the house. The jewellery and furniture, the linen and the silver were to be divided up between my mother and aunts. Bertha’s will was as clear as spring water – and just as sobering. The stocks and shares were not particularly valuable, nobody except cows wanted to live on the pasture of the north German lowlands, there wasn’t much money left, and the house was old.

Bertha must have remembered how much I used to love the house. But we didn’t find out about her will until after the funeral. I went on my own; it was a long, circuitous trip involving a number of trains. I set off from Freiburg and had to travel the entire length of the country until finally, right up in the village of Bootshaven at the stop opposite my grandmother’s house, I got off a bus. From a ghostly small-town station it had taken me around all the local villages until it was practically empty. I was worn down by the journey, the grieving and the feelings of guilt you always have when someone dies whom you loved but didn’t know very well.

Aunt Harriet had come, too. She wasn’t called Harriet anymore; now her name was Mohani. But she wasn’t wearing orange robes, nor was she bald. Only the wooden-bead necklace with a picture of her guru indicated her new state of enlightenment. And yet, with her short henna-red hair and Reebok trainers she looked different from the other black-clad figures who were gathering in small groups outside the chapel. I was pleased to see Aunt Harriet again, although I felt uneasy and nervous when I realised that the last time I had seen her was thirteen years earlier. That was when we had had to bury Rosmarie, Harriet’s daughter. The unease was a feeling I was very familiar with, because each time I looked at my face in a mirror I thought of Rosmarie. Her funeral had been unbearable; maybe it’s always unbearable when fifteen-year-old girls are buried. As they told me afterwards, I had fainted into a deep unconsciousness. All I could recall was that the white lilies on the coffin gave off a warm, damp and sweet smell which stuck in my nostrils and fizzed in my throat. I couldn’t breathe. Then I spun into a white hole.

I’d woken later, in hospital. When I fell I had hit my head on a stone and the wound needed stitches. It left a scar above the bridge of my nose, a pale mark. That was the first time I had ever fainted, but since then I have fainted plenty of times. Fainting is a family trait.

After her daughter died, Aunt Harriet turned her back on her faith. She went to the Bhagwan – poor cow, her friends said. To the sect. Although they uttered the word ‘sect’ in hushed tones, as if they feared that it was lying in wait, ready to pounce, shave their heads and leave them to stagger through the streets of the world, clanging cymbals with childish delight, a clutch of abandoned lunatics like those from One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest. But Aunt Harriet didn’t look as if she was planning to get out her cymbals at Bertha’s funeral. When she saw me she gave me a hug and planted a kiss on my forehead. More precisely, without saying a word she kissed the scar on my forehead and then nudged me on to my mother, who was standing beside her.

My mother looked as if she had been crying for the past few days. When I saw her my heart tightened into a crinkled lump. How dreadful to have to bury your own mother, I thought as I put my arms around mine. My father was standing next to my mother, supporting her; he seemed much smaller than the last time I’d seen him and there were lines on his face I had never seen before. Aunt Inga stood to one side; she had come on her own. In spite of her red eyes she looked breathtaking. Her beautiful mouth arched downwards, which on her face gave an impression of pride rather than sadness. And although her dress was modest and high-necked, it looked more like a little black number than a garment of mourning. She grasped both my hands, and I winced briefly when I got a small electric shock from her left hand. She was wearing her amber bracelet on her right wrist. Her hands felt warm, hard and dry.

It was a sunny June afternoon. I looked around at the other people; there were flocks of white-haired women with thick-lensed glasses and black handbags. The ladies from Bertha’s social circle. The former mayor had also turned up, and then of course there was Carsten Lexow – my mother’s old teacher – as well as a few school friends, some distant cousins of my aunts and mother, and three tall men who stood beside one another seriously and awkwardly. They were immediately recognisable as former admirers of Aunt Inga’s because they hardly dared look her in the eye but never let her out of their sight. The Koops – the neighbours – had come, and a few people I couldn’t place, maybe from the care home, maybe from the funeral director’s, maybe from Granddad’s old law firm.

Afterwards, everyone went to the café beside the cemetery to eat buttercake and drink coffee. As always happens after funerals, the mourners all started talking at once, first in a murmur, then gradually more loudly. The three admirers were now standing around Aunt Inga, their legs wide apart and their backs very straight. It seemed as if Aunt Inga had been expecting them to pay homage, but at the same time she accepted it with gentle irony.

The women from the social circle sat together and held a social. Grains of sugar and slivers of almonds stuck to their lips. They ate in the same way that they spoke: slowly, loudly and constantly. My father and Herr Lexow helped the two waitresses, bringing silver platters heaped with square slices of buttercake from the kitchen and placing one coffee pot after another on the tables. The women from the social circle joked a little with these two attentive young gentlemen and tried to get them to join their group. While my father respectfully flirted back, Herr Lexow smiled anxiously and fled to the neighbouring tables. He had to live here, after all.

When we left the café it was still warm. Herr Lexow fastened metal clips around the bottoms of his trouser legs and climbed onto a black bicycle which was leaning unlocked against a wall. He raised his hand briefly and rode off towards the cemetery. My parents and aunts stayed by the entrance to the café, squinting in the evening sun.

My father cleared his throat. ‘Those gentlemen from the law firm – you saw them. Bertha left a will.’

So they were the lawyers. My father wasn’t finished; he opened his mouth to speak again, but paused. The three sisters continued to look at the red sun and said nothing.

‘They’re waiting at the house.’

It was summer when Rosmarie died, too, although in the evenings the scent of autumn had started to creep in from the meadows. You could cool down quickly by lying on the ground. I thought of my grandmother buried underground, of the damp black hole where she now lay. Peaty soil, black and rich, but beneath it, sand. The earth that had been shovelled into a heap beside her grave was drying out in the sun, and a constant trickle of sand was running off it, like an egg timer, into small moraines.

‘That’s me,’ Bertha had once groaned. ‘That’s my head.’

She nodded at the egg timer on the table and rose smartly from her chair. Her hip swiped the egg timer off the table. The thin wooden frame broke and the glass shattered, spattered. I was a child then and her illness had not yet reached the stage where it was particularly noticeable. I got down on my knees and spread the pale sand across the black and white stone floor with my index finger. The sand was very fine and twinkled in the light of the kitchen lamp. My grandmother stood beside me, sighing, and asked how I could have broken the lovely hourglass. When I said it was she who had done it she shook her head, shook it over and over again. Then she swept up the grains of sand and the glass shards and tipped them into the dustbin.

Aunt Harriet took my arm, and I gave a start.

‘Shall we go?’ she asked.

‘Sure.’

I tried to free myself from her gentle grip; she let go straightaway. I could sense her giving me sideways glances.

We walked to the house; Bootshaven is a very small village. People nodded solemnly as we passed. Occasionally an old woman would stand in our way and offer her hand in condolence, although not to my father. I didn’t know any of them, but they all seemed to know me and said softly – out of respect for our grief and yet with a barely suppressed triumph – that somebody had noticed I looked like the Christel lass. It took me a while to realise that the ‘lass’ was my mother.

You could see the house from a fair distance. The facade was overrun with Virginia creeper, and the upstairs windows were nothing but rectangular recesses in the dark green undergrowth. The two old lime trees on the drive had grown as high as the roof. When I placed my hand on the wall of the house, the rough red stones felt warm. A gust of wind blew through the creeper, the limes nodded, the house gave a short sigh.

The lawyers were standing at the bottom of the steps that led up to the front door. One flicked away his cigarette when he saw us coming. Then he bent down swiftly to retrieve the butt. As we climbed the broad steps his head was bowed. He knew that we had seen him: the back of his neck had flushed red and he was rummaging around intently in his briefcase. The two other men were gazing at Aunt Inga; both of them were younger than her but they immediately started fawning over her. One of them took a key from his case and gave us an enquiring look. My mother took the key and slid it into the lock. When the brass bell by the topmost hinge of the door clanged noisily, the same half-smile appeared on the faces of all three sisters.

‘Let’s go into the study,’ Aunt Inga said, leading the way.

I was intoxicated by the aroma in the entrance hall: it still smelled of apples and old stone, and my great-grandmother Käthe’s carved dower chest still stood by the wall. On either side of it were the oak chairs adorned with the family coat of arms: a heart divided by a saw. My mother’s and Aunt Inga’s heels clacked against the floor, sand crunched beneath leather soles; Aunt Harriet alone followed slowly and noiselessly in her Reeboks.

Granddad’s study had been tidied up. My parents and one of the lawyers, the young one with the cigarette, pushed four chairs together; three on one side and one opposite. The young lawyer then joined his colleague against the wall to the right. Unmoved by the commotion, Hinnerk’s hefty desk remained by the wall between the two windows, which looked out onto the drive and the limes. The leaves refracted the sunlight, dappling the room; dust danced in the air. It was chilly in here. My mother and aunts sat on the three dark chairs, while the third lawyer took Hinnerk’s desk chair. My father and I stood behind the three sisters. The legs and backs of the chairs were so tall and straight that the bodies sitting in them instantly snapped into right angles: feet and shins, thighs and back, upper arms and forearms, neck and shoulders, chin and neck. The sisters looked like Egyptian statues in a burial chamber. And although the flecked light dazzled us, it did not warm up the room.

The lawyer sitting on Hinnerk’s desk chair fiddled with the locks on his briefcase; seeming to take this as a sign, the other two cleared their throats and looked seriously at him, obviously their boss. He introduced himself as the partner of the former partner of Heinrich Lünschen, my grandfather.

Bertha’s will was read and explained, my father appointed executor. A ripple passed through the bodies of the sisters when they heard that the house had been left to me. I dropped down onto a stool and looked at the partner of the partner. I could see the lawyer with the cigarette staring at me, so I lowered my eyes and fixed them on the hymn sheet from the funeral service, which was still rolled up in my hand. The notes of ‘O Head Full of Blood and Wounds’ had become imprinted on the heel of my palm. Inkjet printer. In my mind I saw heads full of blood and wounds, hair like jets of red ink, holes in heads, the gaps in Bertha’s memory, sand from the egg timer. You could make glass from sand if it was hot enough. With my fingers I felt my scar: no, no sand was trickling out yet, only dust swirling from my skirt when I took my hand from my forehead and crossed my legs. I stared at a thin ladder which started at my knee then vanished beneath the black velvet of my skirt. I could sense Harriet’s gaze, and looked up. Her eyes were full of pity; she hated the house. Rosemary, for remembrance. Who had said that? Forgotten.

The looser the mesh of Bertha’s mind, the larger the chunks of memory that slipped through. As she became more confused, the woollen things she knitted became ever crazier: because she was constantly dropping stitches, knitting different patterns together, or starting new stitches at the seams,they grew and shrank in all directions, gaped and felted, and could be unpicked at any point. My mother had gathered together the pieces of knitting in Bootshaven and taken them back home. She had kept them in a box in her wardrobe. Once, by chance, I’d stumbled upon them; with a mixture of horror and amusement, I had laid out on my parents’ bed one woollen sculpture after another. At that stage I wasn’t living with my parents anymore and Bertha was already in the care home. My mother came in, and for a while both of us gazed at the woollen creatures.

‘I suppose that each of us has to preserve our tears somewhere,’ my mother had said, as if defending her mother, and then she packed everything away in the wardrobe. We never spoke about Bertha’s knitting again.

We all walked out of the study in single file, back along the hallway and out the front door; the bell clanged tinnily. The lawyers offered us their hands then left, and we sat outside on the steps. Almost all the smooth, yellow-white stones had cracks. Flat chunks of stone had come loose and you could lift them up like lids. In the past there hadn’t been that many loose ones, only six or seven; we had used them as secret compartments, hiding feathers, flowers and letters inside.

Back then I still wrote letters, I still believed in written, printed and read matter. These days I no longer did. I had a job at the library at Freiburg University: I worked with books, I bought books, I even borrowed the odd one. But read them? No. I used to – oh yes, I used to read all the time, in bed, while eating, on my bike. But it stopped. Reading was the same as collecting, and collecting was the same as keeping, and keeping was the same as remembering, and remembering was the same as not knowing exactly, and not knowing exactly was the same as having forgotten, and having forgotten was the same as falling, and at some point you had to ...

Table of contents

• Cover
• Title page
• Copyright page
• Dedication page
• Epigraph page
• Contents
• Epilogue
• Acknowledgements
• Note on the Author