Personal Coaching for Results

Lou Tice

• Publisher: HarperCollins Leadership
• Year: 2004
• ISBN:
  9781418559489
• Topic: Negocios y empresa
• Subtopic: Liderazgo

In Personal Coaching for Results, Lou Tice walks you through the process to coach yourself to effectiveness and success, step by step. Using what he wrote here builds your personal effectiveness and then guides you on your way to becoming the credible, influential mentor you have it in you to be.

PART ONE

Personal
Mastery

Introduction

W hether we want to get to the summit of a mountain or create a successful business career, raise a happy, confident child or lower the time it takes to run a mile, no one succeeds entirely on his or her own. On the other hand, no one can do it for us, either. Most people who have achieved a significant measure of success have had plenty of help along the way. Then, once they have a good idea of what the terrain looks like, where the hazards and handholds are, they reach out to give those coming after them the benefit of what they have learned. In other words, they become, teachers, coaches, guides—mentors—helping others as they were once helped.

For more than twenty-five years, I have been in the business of teaching people, individually and in groups, how to succeed—on their own terms. Even before that, when I was coaching high school football, I was vitally interested in why some people who weren’t especially talented or gifted were able to achieve far more than others. The answer, I have come to believe, is rooted in two central principles. First: What you can do depends as much on your beliefs as it does on your ability. And, second: The quality of the help you receive along the way can make all the difference.

I deliberately wrote this book in a way that reflects these two principles and takes into account a third, which is also vital: All meaningful, lasting growth and change starts first on the inside and then works its way out. That’s why Part One has a largely personal, internal point of view. It is concerned with the mastery of self from an inside-out perspective and focuses on concepts that will help you build the beliefs it takes to excel in any area of life, no matter what your present circumstances. Then, in Part Two, we’ll step back, expanding that intense, internal focus and extend what we’ve learned about the mastery of self to coaching, mentoring, and inspiring others.

As I see it, coaching, mentoring, and inspiring are closely related, yet somewhat different. I think of these activities as a progression, each built upon the same basic set of skills, but each taking the helping relationship to a higher, more influential level. A coach’s activities are often limited to helping us perfect a specific activity or set of skills. A mentor can do the same thing, but our mentors may also become involved with many aspects of our lives, helping us to grow as whole people. And when a mentor becomes an inspiration, he or she touches our heart and soul in a lasting way. That’s what this book will help you to do for others.

In the six chapters that comprise Part One, we’ll look closely at our beliefs—beliefs about ourselves, other people, and our environment, and we’ll discuss not only how we got these beliefs in the first place, but also how we can change them if we choose to. We’ll also talk about how to make the critically important shift from having them work on us to having them work for us.

Optimism and pessimism, two distinctly different styles of explaining and interpreting the events in our lives, are belief-based habits we acquire over time. These habits have a powerful effect on how we experience life. Optimists generally enjoy more success, better mental and physical health, and have more harmonious relationships than pessimists do, and you’ll discover why I say this in Part One. While we’re at it, we’ll take a look at how accountability, control, and power are connected and why self-fulfilling prophecies work.

Have you ever heard of scotomas? These are mental blind spots that all of us develop, and in Part One, I’ll tell you not only how scotomas sabotage you, but also how to compensate for them and even use them to your advantage. Then, I’ll introduce you to your reticular activating system, the “security guard” of your brain, and you’ll see how a clear vision and systematic goal-setting work to allow vitally important information to get through.

Before leaving Part One, you’ll learn how healthy self-esteem inoculates you against many of life’s ills and how high self-efficacy enables you to become a super achiever. I’ll give you a proven-effective, seven-step system for setting goals that will dramatically increase the likelihood that you’ll achieve yours. I’ll also show you how to harness the incredible power of your imagination to reprogram your subconscious mind and achieve the results you most want in life.

Part Two is all about how to use what you know to help other people grow. It’s designed to give you the insights and tools you need in order to coach, mentor, and inspire others to greatness. In Part Two, I’ll tell you why some people are so much more effective as coaches and mentors than others. I’ll explain the differences between mentors and role models, and you’ll see why mentors have far more influence. Then, I’ll give you the three key factors that make a coach or mentor credible—someone to whom others want to listen—and talk about the importance of character in the mentoring relationship.

Because these skills are absolutely essential to any good relationship and particularly important for coaches and mentors, I’ll tell you what I’ve learned about how to listen well, give useful feedback, and help others solve problems in ways that keep trust alive and lines of communication open. I’ll also let you in on why attempts to motivate other people so often fail, and you’ll learn, instead, how to help others to motivate themselves.

In Part Two, I’ll share some valuable tips on how to help those you care about overcome obstacles and make it through tough times. Then I devote an entire chapter to mentoring children, because nothing is more important. You’ll find out how to build self-confidence and self-esteem in kids and how to handle problems in ways that encourage positive change instead of pushback and resistance.

It doesn’t matter what your circumstances are when you read this book. If you’re already doing well, it will allow you to do far better. If you’re not doing so well, it will give you new hope, new energy, and a wealth of practical, immediately useful tools that will empower you to change what you want to change. It will help you to become highly effective at empowering others as well.

At this point, perhaps you’re feeling a bit skeptical. Maybe you’ve read a number of so-called “self-help” books that promised far more than they ultimately delivered. Or maybe you’re thinking something like, “That’s all very well for him to say. But this guy doesn’t understand my situation. He doesn’t know about the problems in my past or what I’m up against now.” That’s true, I don’t. And if you’re skeptical, I’m glad. Don’t ever simply accept what you hear without questioning its validity and relevance.

But do keep an open mind. Much of the information I’ll be sharing comes directly from world-class experts. A great deal of what you’ll read is the result of twenty-five years of personal experience. Some of that experience was definitely gained the hard way—from false starts, major mistakes, and making my way through some very tough times. I know what it’s like to struggle to change, to overcome a difficult and painful past. So, as you read, make some room in your belief system for new ideas about how to interpret your past experiences and your present circumstances, as well as new information that may change what you want for yourself in the future.

By all means, hold on to your skeptical attitude. Use it to discover what’s true for you and what’s genuinely useful. But don’t hold on too tightly to any preconceived notions that may prevent you from getting the maximum value possible from this book—and from your life. What you see always depends as much on what you’re looking for as it does on what’s actually there. Similarly, your open-mindedness—your willingness—to learn, change, grow, and develop is what makes it possible for learning, growth, and development to actually take place.

Remember, the contents of this book are arranged in a sequence that builds on itself. It moves from the essential elements of personal mastery to the process of coaching and mentoring others, so be sure to start reading at the beginning with Part One. Take your time, take notes if you like, and, most importantly, apply the concepts and tools you’ll be learning about on a daily basis as you go forward. Simply reading about them won’t change anything for you any more than reading a book about lifting weights will make you stronger.

By the time you reach the end of Part Two, I think you’ll find yourself feeling better able to create the life you most want to live and to successfully coach and mentor others to do the same. I hope you’ll also find yourself feeling challenged and changed, moved to live and relate to others in more thoughtful, grateful, helpful, happier ways. That’s what it’s all about, really—getting to the levels of happiness that my friend, Father Bob Spitzer of Seattle University, calls “H-3 and H-4.”

At the happiness level called H-1 all we want is to feel good, avoid feeling bad, and that’s it. We don’t give a hoot how anyone else is feeling. At H-2 we do a lot of work on ourselves, because we want to be better than the next guy. We have plenty of self-discipline, but it’s all ego-driven, and we’re not really happy, except when someone’s telling us how great we are. Our relationships are usually full of conflict, and we sometimes feel like something’s missing, but we’re not sure what it is.

If we get to H-3, we’re starting to make the best kind of happiness happen. That’s because what we want most is to help other people, and it feels great when we do. We forget about ourselves. More than anything else, we care about others—our family, team, community, the whole darn planet, and we want to be a contributing part of all of it.

At H-4 we can see beyond the good of the team or the group to the ultimate good. We start to understand what unconditional love is all about, and we’re always thinking about what we can learn and how we can give. We can see the highest good in everything, and we just naturally respond to it with the best, most loving part of ourselves. I hope this book helps you see yourself as an H-3/H-4 person.

Especially during periods of important change, many people find it valuable to track progress and record thoughts and feelings in a diary or journal. I highly recommend it, and, in fact, I do it myself all the time.

If you’d like to share some of your experiences as a result of what you’ve read here or find out more about the personal and professional growth education that my company, The Pacific Institute, produces, I’d be glad to hear from you.

CHAPTER ONE

How Your Mind Works:
The Keys to Character

Could This Be You?

Picture this: You’re living with your spouse in a beautifully decorated, warm and comfortable home that many people would describe as a mansion. It’s located on the shores of a large, sparkling lake in what is arguably one of the world’s most beautiful cities. You also own a working ranch a few hundred miles away that you visit often. It’s nestled in a valley where the air is unbelievably sweet and clean and the scenery is spectacular. You look forward to going there to ride your horse through the countryside, fish in the stream, practice skeet shooting, and make plans for the future.

Your marriage is fulfilling and long-lasting— a true partnership in every sense of the word. You and your spouse have worked as a team to build a widely respected international company. Your business is tremendously successful and satisfying because it helps literally millions of other people to become successful, too. Now you are a grandparent, and it’s a great feeling to realize that when you die, you’ll be leaving behind not only substantial material wealth and an extensive body of useful, meaningful work, but also a wonderful living legacy. Some years ago, you bought yourself a black Rolls-Royce Corniche convertible—the car of your dreams—that you have a lot of fun driving. And you spend much of your time traveling all over the world, talking to folks from all walks of life about your favorite subject: how people can use more of their vast potential.

“What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared with what lies within us.”

Ralph Waldo Emerson

Before I tell you what all of this has to do with coaching or mentoring, let me ask you a very important question: Do you have any trouble putting yourself in this picture? Of course, maybe the things I’ve described here aren’t really your style. Maybe you’d rather imagine yourself creating art in a light-filled studio, or setting up free medical clinics in an urban ghetto, or raising llamas on a farm. Maybe your ideal of personal bliss would be reporting news direct from the world’s hot spots or helping Mother Teresa care for the sick in India or taking photographs of artifacts from ancient civilizations for National Geographic. Or maybe it’s living with your family in a comfortable, attractive home out in the suburbs, writing a best-selling mystery novel, or growing your own business to the point where you no longer have to worry about feeling secure in your senior years.

The specific images don’t matter. What I’m asking is whether you can see yourself actually living the life you would most want to live. Do you have difficulty imagining that life? Does thinking about it seem like wasting time on a fantasy that could never really happen? Well, that’s the way it would have seemed to me, too, twenty-five years ago. In fact, if you had tried to get me to see myself living the life I’ve just described in the first two paragraphs of this chapter, I would have told you that you were nuts. Born crazy and had a relapse.

Nevertheless, this is a fairly accurate snapshot of my life as it is today. Twenty-five years ago, though, I was a high-school teacher and football coach, struggling to keep the bills paid and raise a rapidly growing family on $1,000 a month. Some days I thought ends would never meet, and some days I thought I was doing all right—compared to the situation I was raised in, anyway.

I grew up with three brothers and a sister in a run-down house (shack might be a more accurate word) in one of the worst parts of the city. I don’t know if they were alcoholics or not, but both of my parents drank a lot more than just socially. As a result, in addition to being dirt poor, we lived with chaos and turmoil. Episodes of intense physical and emotional violence were routine. After my father died when I was thirteen, we had to go on welfare. My mother tried to keep our household going, but she was, even in the best of times, pretty unstable. I went to work after school and during the summers to help out, but even then we never seemed to do more than just barely get by.

Some people would say without any hesitation that these kinds of early-life circumstances add up to a sure fire formula for failure. As a matter of fact, many people who have had similarly difficult childhoods would be the first to agree. For me, though, it turned out to be the first chapter in a wonderful success story.

The “Secret” I Refuse to Keep

So what’s my secret? How did I get from that painful place where I started out to the wonderful life I have today? Was it dumb luck? Driving ambition? Exceptional talent? Well-placed connections with the “right” people?

Well, I’ll admit to having plenty of ambition (which, to me, is just another way of saying that I have goals I take seriously). But anyone who knows me can tell you that I possess no great genius or extraordinary talent. As for luck, on the whole I don’t believe in it. And twenty-five ...