Lay Counseling, Revised and Updated

Siang-Yang Tan, Eric T. Scalise

• Publisher: Zondervan
• Year: 2016
• ISBN:
  9780310524281
• Topic: Theology & Religion
• Subtopic: Christian Ministry

This one of a kind resource provides pastors, church leaders, and non-professional counselors with everything they need to establish a program for lay counseling. This new edition has been thoroughly revised and updated in light of fresh research and outlines a practical training resource that can be used to train and equip lay counselors.

Filled with useful forms and questionnaires, it also provides a helpful and comprehensive survey of the programs and resources that are currently available.

CHAPTER 1

The Need for Lay Counseling Ministries

We all live in a fallen world that is tainted by the effects of sin. Despite the psychological sophistication of our modern society, we continue to experience brokenness in our lives. Things are not really getting better. The first crisis counseling intervention took place in the garden of Eden at the fall of humankind, and the relationship between God and humankind was torn asunder. God asked Adam and Eve three questions: “Where are you?” “Who told you that you were naked?” “What is this you have done?” Adam’s initial reply was that he was afraid because he was naked, and so he hid himself. Ever since that time, humanity has wrestled with fear and shame over its own nakedness—not in the literal sense, but when we experience failure and rejection. Our natural tendency is to deny, avoid, and cover up. Scott Peck, a psychiatrist and author of the well-known book The Road Less Traveled, wrote, “Life is difficult. . . . Life is a series of problems.”¹ This is true not only in the secular world, but also within Christian circles, including our churches.

Our congregations and Christian institutions are full of hurting people who are struggling. They need help, but they often find it difficult to open up and share their burdens. They may have no one available to listen and care for them, or their Christian beliefs (or misbeliefs) have brought guilt and shame. Some may feel as if their struggles make them second-class citizens in the kingdom of God. Many of them are afraid of being judged as bad Christians. And they may be wary of seeking help from secular therapists who historically have been antagonistic toward religion and a client’s spirituality.

A 2008 survey of over a thousand Protestant pastors revealed that 24 percent spend at least six hours per week in counseling-related activities with parishioners.² Christians who acknowledge an omnipotent and compassionate God recognize His divine sovereignty and the mystery of His ways as they face the hardships of life. Many questions invariably follow soon after a tragedy or fiery trial. “When can I go and meet with God? My tears have been my food day and night, while people say to me all day long, ‘Where is your God?’ ” (Ps. 42:2–3, emphasis added). One of the most human of all questions in the midst of the unexplainable, the unwanted, or the unacceptable, is simply, “Why?” “Why me? Why us? Why this? Why now?” The heart cry of the psalmist often echoes in our own anguish, “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me? Why are you so far from saving me, so far from my cries of anguish?” (Ps. 22:1, emphasis added).

Many believers gain great comfort and solace from the Psalms—transparent glimpses into the life of David and others as they journeyed through life—not always having the answers but ultimately being aware of God’s gracious provision in time of need. C. S. Lewis, in his book The Problem of Pain, said, “God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience, but shouts in our pain.”³

Although national trends ebb and flow and can shift with the winds of cultural change, the following statistics are sobering.

• An estimated 15 million alcoholics and 10 million drug addicts live in the United States. Forty percent of all family problems brought to domestic court are alcohol related. Seventy-five percent of all juvenile delinquents have at least one alcoholic parent. Over 150,000 teens use cocaine, and 500,000 use marijuana once or more per week. In addition, nearly half a million junior and senior high students are weekly binge drinkers. An estimated 10 to 15 million teens need treatment for child abuse each year.⁴
• Between 5 and 10 million people in the United States are addicted to prescription drugs.⁵
• Every addict directly affects at least five other people. In a 2006 Gallup poll, 41 percent of those polled indicated they had suffered physical, psychological, or social harm as a result of someone else’s drinking or drugging (double the level reported in 1974).⁶
• Forty to 80 million Americans suffer from compulsive overeating, and 5 to 15 percent will die from the consequences in any given year. Some $20 billion are spent yearly by Americans seeking to lose weight.⁷
• One to 2 percent of adolescent girls (close to 100,000) and 4 to 5 percent of college-age women struggle with anorexia and/or bulimia.⁸
• There are 2.5 million pathological gamblers and another 3 million compulsive gamblers in the United States. Gambling is a $500 billion industry. The suicide rate for this population is twenty times higher than the national average. Some 50 million family members are said to be adversely affected.⁹
• There are currently over 300 million pornographic web pages, with an estimated 6 to 8 percent of the population diagnosed with some level of sexual addiction. Thirty percent of minors have agreed to meet someone they know only via the Internet, and 14 percent have actually done so.¹⁰
• No one really knows how many workaholics there are, because this addiction has received comparatively little attention thus far. One study indicated that over 10 million adults average 65 to 70 hours of work each week. Several recent studies charge that many of the organizations in which we work and live are like dysfunctional families and force work patterns that promote and encourage workaholism.¹¹
• Fifteen million new cases of sexually transmitted diseases (chlamydia, gonorrhea, syphilis, HIV/AIDS, etc.) are contracted every year. That translates into about one case every two seconds. Of the top eleven reportable diseases in the United States, five are STDs.¹²
• Suicide among those aged fifteen to nineteen has tripled since 1960. Nearly 5,000 teenage suicides take place every year, and for every suicide completed, at least 400 serious attempts fail. Eight percent of high school girls and 5 percent of boys reported making at least one attempt. It is the second leading cause of death among this country’s young people. Eighteen percent of the US population will suffer a major depressive episode (12 percent of men and 26 percent of women).¹³
• Over a half million incidents of domestic violence occur each year; 92 percent are against women.¹⁴
• From 45 to 50 percent of all first marriages in this country end in divorce, the highest rate in the industrialized world. And 60 to 70 percent of all second marriages end in divorce. The divorce rate has increased nearly every decade since 1860. One million children yearly have parents who are separated or divorced.¹⁵
• There are nearly 800,000 adolescent pregnancies each year (over one per minute). This is the highest rate in any industrialized country in the world. Nearly 30 percent of all teen girls will get pregnant at least once, and two-thirds will not complete high school. One out of every six pregnancies is of a teenager. Nearly 750,000 of those will be aborted. Seventy-nine percent are unmarried, and 80 percent of this group will go on welfare. The annual cost is over $7 billion.¹⁶
• Approximately one in every four pregnancies will end in miscarriage (almost 1 million each year). Approximately 30,000 will be still births.¹⁷
• Approximately 1.2 million abortions are performed every year in the United States, and the reality of post-abortion syndrome is increasingly supported in the research.¹⁸
• Nearly one in three children now lives in a single-parent home (30 percent). The rate has tripled since 1960. In 1960 5 percent of all births were out of wedlock. By 1991 the figure rose to 30 percent. In 2010 40 percent of all American births and 80 percent of minority births occurred out of wedlock. Eighty-four percent of these homes will have no father and 40 percent will live at or below the poverty level. If current trends continue, the total number of fatherless homes created by unwed childbearing will surpass the number created by divorce.¹⁹
• Approximately 3 to 4 million child abuse reports are filed every year, with an estimated 5 to 6 million children who are actually abused (neglect—65 percent, physical—16 percent, sexual—9 percent, emotional—7 percent), resulting in almost 2,000 deaths. Ninety percent of all abuse is perpetuated by someone the child knows and trusts, and 60 percent involve children under the age of three. Estimated costs annually are over $100 billion for investigation, processing, and treatment.²⁰
• Reports of sexual abuse have increased from 6,000 in 1976 to well over half a million in 2010. Most specialists agree that the problem is far greater than the cases reported. Over 60 million people experience some form of sexual abuse before they graduate from high school (one out of every three to four girls and one out of every five to six boys). The risk of developing substance abuse problems in this demographic is nearly 400 percent greater.²¹
• About one out of every four children will experience at least one significant traumatic event before reaching age sixteen.²²
• Since 1960 total crimes have increased by more than 300 percent (nearly 14 million per year). Ninety percent of Americans will be victims of theft at least once in their lives (87 percent will be victims three or more times). While the population has increased by only 41 percent since 1960, the number of violent crimes has increased by more than 550 percent. Since 1990 alone, more than 250,000 Americans have been murdered, about twice as many who died in Vietnam, Korea, Iraq, and Afghanistan combined. The United States has the highest murder rate of any industrialized country in the world (five times that of all of Europe). There is a greater statistical chance that a person living in Los Angeles will die from a bullet wound than from a car accident.²³
• The fastest-growing segment of the criminal population is our nation’s young people. In the last two decades, the arrest rate for juveniles committing murder increased 93 percent (72 percent for aggravated assault and 24 percent for forcible rape). About 3 million thefts and violent crimes occur on or near a school campus each year (nearly 16,000 incidents per day). Twenty percent of high school students now carry a firearm, knife, razor, club, or some other weapon on a regular basis.²⁴
• Eighty to ninety percent of all doctor’s visits are stress related. Twenty-five percent of all prescriptions written in this country are for psychotropic medications (tranquilizers, antidepressants, anti-anxiety medications, and sleep aids).²⁵

Statistics can be overwhelming, and they don’t enable us to see how the pains and challenges of life affect individuals. So let’s take a closer look at some of these statistics by studying several case studies. While the stories are fictitious and details have been changed, they are based on composites of real-life cases.

Case #1: Ron is a bright, energetic, and deeply committed believer who has been serving in his local church as a lay leader for more than a decade. He is a deacon and also serves as the adviser to the college fellowship in the church. He teaches an adult Sunday school class and often sings in the choir and for special worship services. Ron is highly respected as a mature, spiritual man of God, and he is well liked by his peers, as well as by the pastoral leaders in the church.

At thirty-five, Ron has done well as a professional accountant, having just been made partner of the firm in which he has been working for many years. He is married to a spiritually mature wife who works part-time as a music teacher and is the church choir director. They have three lovely young children. On the surface, Ron and his wife appear to be the perfect couple with an ideal family.

In the past several months, however, Ron has been feeling physically fatigued and emotionally drained. He does not enjoy life as much as he used to and has begun to lose his appetite. He has also been having some difficulty falling asleep, and recent thoughts of wanting to die have concerned him. Deep within, he feels spiritually dry and empty, but he has not been able to tell anyone until he finally spoke to his wife about what he called the “burnout” symptoms he has been experiencing. Ron has realized he has had too many demands placed on him over a long period of time and now feels that he can no longer meet them.

Ron and his wife are both deeply worried about his health and “burnout” symptoms. However, they do not know where to turn for help. He recently tried to talk to a close friend and fellow deacon at church but was told he just needed a vacation and should stop worrying so much. Both Ron and his wife are now reluctant to talk to anybody else in church about how depressed he has really been feeling. Out of frustration and desperation, they eventually make an appointment with a professional therapist recommended by their family physician. However, they do so with mixed feelings and are afraid others in the church may find out Ron is seeing a “shrink.”

Case #2: Another situation that often arises in a church context is in the area of marital conflict Take, for example, Jack and Rachel, who have been married five years and have a two-year-old son, Peter. Both of them have been church members for many years and have served in various capacities, including teaching elementary Sunday school and working with the high school youth group.

Since Peter was born two years ago, they have had a very difficult time adjusting to their new status of parenthood, with all its demands, as well as joys. They love Peter very much and were happy to have him, since they had planned to have a child. However, they had not anticipated how much this would change their lives. Peter had been a colicky baby who cried frequently and awoke several times during the night, so that Rachel felt extremely exhausted most of the time, especially in the first year of their son’s life. Jack was also affected and often felt tired, though not as exhausted as Rachel. As a result, their communication with each other, as well as their sexual relationship, increasingly suffered. They had significantly less time to spend with one another because most of their time and energy were focused on taking care of Peter’s needs.

While Peter is somewhat less demanding now that he is older and able to sleep through more nights, Jack and Rachel have not quite recovered from the stress they have experienced. They find themselves emotionally disconnected, easily irritated and upset with each other, even over small things. They argue frequently and still feel fatigued most of the time. Jack is working full-time as an engineer in a very demanding job, with the ever-threatening possibility of a layoff, and this only makes things worse. Rachel works part-time as a tutor to help out financially. They still do not have much time to spend together and have managed only a couple of date nights. Their intimacy has improved but not to their mutual satisfaction.

Both Jack and Rachel are aware the marriage is rocky and that they are experiencing significant problems. They never expected the birth of a wanted child would involve so much stress and change, yet th...