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The Joy of Conflict Resolution

Name: The Joy of Conflict Resolution
Author: Gary Harper

Transforming Victims, Villains and Heroes in the Workplace and at Home

Gary Harper

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208 pages
English
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eBook - ePub

The Joy of Conflict Resolution

Transforming Victims, Villains and Heroes in the Workplace and at Home

Gary Harper

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About This Book

All you need to understand the dynamics of conflict -- and the joy of resolution

The rapid rate of change in the workplace and among families often leads to conflict and confrontation which can undermine productivity and poison relationships. The Joy of Conflict Resolution helps readers understand conflict and why it arises through the lens of the "drama triangle" of victims, villains and heroes. In an accessible, engaging and light-hearted style that uses stories and humor to explore potentially emotionally charged situations, it provides proven and practical skills to move beyond confrontation to resolve conflicts collaboratively.

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Information

Publisher

New Society Publishers

Year

2004

ISBN

9781550923957

Topic

Personal Development

Subtopic

Conflict Resolution

CHAPTER 1
VICTIMS , VILLAINS, AND HEROES

A villain is a misunderstood hero; a hero is a self-righteous villain.

Fairy tales of conflict

As a child, snuggled under your bedcovers, you probably drifted off to sleep to a story along these lines:

Once upon a time, in a galaxy far, far away, there lived a beautiful princess. One day, she dared to wander from the safety of the palace and was captured by an evil dragon. A noble, selfless prince sallied forth to rescue the princess. He journeyed far and wide and at long last found the dragon in his lair. After a fierce battle, he was able to slay the dragon and rescue the princess. The prince and princess ultimately married and, of course, lived happily ever after.

In today’s workplace, you might have heard an updated version of this tale in the coffee room:

Once upon a time, in a galaxy far too close to home, there lived an innocent, hardworking employee. One day, she dared to wander from the safety of her cubicle and speak out during a department meeting. She was immediately attacked and berated by her evil manager and embarrassed in front of all. A noble, selfless shop steward sallied forth to aid the poor employee. He journeyed far and wide through the grievance procedure and at long last trapped the manager with a harassment complaint. After a fierce battle, the shop steward was able to vanquish the evil manager and his human resources minion and ensure justice was served for the employee. She and the shop steward ultimately left the company and, of course, lived happily ever after.

If you’d had lunch with the manager and his human resources advisor, however, you would have heard a quite different version:

Once upon a time, in yet another galaxy, there lived an innocent, hardworking manager. One day, plagued by downsizing and re-engineering, he dared to wander from the safety of his office and meet with his employees. He was greeted by an angry mob who demanded things over which he had no control. The manager battled against all odds to quell the mob and solve their problems until he was blindsided by an irate (and obviously unbalanced) employee and her shop steward henchman. After a fierce battle, and with the help of his ally, the company’s human resources advisor, the manager saved the day and ensured the success of his department. The victory, alas, was not without a price, as the noble manager suffered a harassment charge to the heart. From that day forward, his scar reminded him to trust no employee.

We all have our tales of conflict. We complain at one time or another about controlling spouses, lazy co-workers, or Attila the Hun bosses. We never seem to tire of recounting the injustices that have befallen us and bad-mouthing those who have “done it to us.” This black and white view of life may be satisfying, but when applied to a conflict it is unlikely to lead to resolution. When we paint ourselves as the innocent victim and view the other person as the enemy, we become locked in a power struggle complete with anger and frustration.

The fairy tales and myths of our childhood impact us more than we realize. They present larger-than-life characters and a simplistic world of good and evil. Not surprisingly, we relate to the characters in these stories and may even subconsciously view the world in their terms.

Try putting the words “Once upon a time” in front of one of your conflict stories. Through this lens you can broaden your perspective on the conflict, identify your role in it, and choose a more constructive and collaborative way to resolve it. Although this approach lacks much of the drama and excitement of traditional competitive ones, it produces richer, more lasting resolution and maintains relationships. Let’s have a look at the roles we typically take on in the mythic “drama triangle.”

Roles we play

In classic tales, we consistently encounter three types of characters: the victim (often represented as a damsel in distress or an innocent youth); the villain (a witch, giant, or dragon); and the hero (the white knight or prince). Although these character types originate in fairy tales and myths, we encounter them also on the front pages of our newspapers, on our favorite television shows, and on movie screens everywhere. No wonder we see conflict in the same way.

Traditionally, the villain captures or controls the damsel, who ultimately is rescued by the prince (as in “Snow White”). Sometimes the victim becomes the hero (“Popeye” cartoons spring to mind). Other times, the villain is transformed through forgiveness (Darth Vader in “Star Wars,” for example). However the drama plays out, these character types will be front and center.

Because we experience our own conflicts as stories, we unconsciously adopt these roles. Most often, we see ourselves as the victim — innocent and powerless. Sometimes, we play the hero and risk the discomfort of conflict to right the wrong and see justice done. And, very occasionally, we even may slip into the role of the villain, venting our anger or frustration on another person. Each role provides a limited perspective on the conflict. Together, they form a “drama triangle.”

Of course, each person in the conflict has their own story. Our adversaries likely see themselves as the victim and paints us as the villain. We, in turn, expend tremendous energy to defend ourselves and our reputation from such an unfair label. It’s no wonder, then, that we view conflict as negative. We experience the pain of “being hit,” the outrage of being unfairly labeled as the villain, and the stress of needing to defend ourselves. Not a pleasant combination.

We can change this if we are willing to acknowledge how easily we slip into the roles of the drama triangle. With this awareness, we can choose to view and approach our conflicts differently. We can see the other not as the villain but as someone with whom we must work to identify and solve the problem. By doing so, we move beyond the drama triangle and toward resolution.

THE VICTIM

In a conflict, each person feels hit first.

We experience conflict as an attack on our self-esteem or ego. We may see our values threatened or fear someone will deprive us of something we desire or need. We feel victimized — and blame someone or something else.

The victim role includes a sense of powerlessness. We often withdraw — the “flight” part of “fight or flight” — or become passive. We may even freeze like a deer caught in the headlights. We wait for something to change or for someone to rescue us. (Remember Rapunzel, trapped in her tower.) Although some of us suffer in silence, many of us express our frustration by complaining about the situation and blaming the person we see as responsible for our plight (the villain).

Victimhood has its rewards. We receive a significant amount of attention in the form of sympathy. If we are really lucky, we may even attract a hero to sally forth against our villain and “right the wrong” for us. Alternatively, we can play the “guilt card” in the hope that the other person will see the pain they have caused, recognize the error of their ways, and behave differently. But even if we successfully manipulate another into doing what we want, the accompanying resentment often poisons relationships.

By playing the victim, we also absolve ourselves of responsibility. After all, we are innocent and the conflict is not our fault. Rather than meeting the situation head-on, we justify inaction by telling ourselves that the other person is the one who needs to change. It seems safer (and less messy) for us to ignore or avoid the conflict or to snipe from a distance.

The rewards of victimhood come at a price. As victims, we relinquish our sense of control or influence over the situation. This sense of powerlessness erodes our self-esteem and leads to resentment and frustration. Others may see us as weak or needy, and our relationships may become defined by co-dependency. In short, by playing the victim we trade personal power for sympathy and ironically increase the very stress and negativity we seek to avoid.

On a more positive note, the victim role reflects our goodness, sensitivity, and compassion. The victim/princess in stories seldom seeks revenge, but often facilitates reconciliation through unwavering love and forgiveness. (Cinderella’s continued good cheer toward her vain and envious stepsisters is a prime example of this.) These qualities are essential to allow us to escape the drama triangle and adopt a more cooperative approach to our conflicts.

THE HERO

I’ve stands all I can stand and I can’t stands no more.

— Popeye the Sailor Man

The typical plot line of a Popeye cartoon features Popeye taking abuse from the villainous Bluto. Eventually, Popeye reaches the limit of his considerable patience, pops open his can of spinach, and administers Bluto the beating he so justly deserves. And all is well with the world.

Though we initially experience conflict as the victim (if only for a split second), we often shift to hero mode to protect ourselves, defend our interests, and even the score. This role represents courage and action, selflessness and nobility. The hero ventures forth to do what must be done — justice will be its own reward. The role represents the part of us that is noble and courageous, that will step forward, take a stand, and risk discomfort or judgment.

There is a darker side to the hero role, however. That is the fine line between righteousness and self-righteousness. What we may see as clever, others may see as manipulative. What we see as taking charge, others may experience as controlling. In rescuing the damsel, the hero usually attacks, slays, or captures the villain. When we agree that the hero’s cause is just, we condone and even applaud what are clearly aggressive behaviors. We can even justify our own aggressive and hurtful behavior by telling ourselves, “They had it coming.”

Based on actions alone, a hero is simply a self-righteous villain. In a different context, Robin Hood would have done five to ten years of hard time for extortion and armed robbery. Instead, his actions are not only excused but also revered in legend because of his noble cause and earlier mistreatment by the evil Sheriff. Similarly, Jack (of “Jack and the Beanstalk” fame) made his reputation through trespass and burglary, though these acts are seen as heroic because the giant was mean. You get the drift.

Some of us may even involve ourselves in the conflicts of others as self-appointed heroes — to fix the problem for them. Though our intentions may be noble, this approach reinforces the helplessness of the victim we are rescuing and further entrenches the other person in the villain role — thus unwittingly perpetuating the conflict (and the drama).

THE VILLAIN

Now you know what it feels like.

We see villains as hateful, bitter, and evil. Villains traditionally capture and control the victim for their own purposes or deprive the victim of something. This role represents the side of us that can be petty, mean-spirited, and vindictive (what “Star Wars” calls the “dark side” of the Force). This dark side includes the part of us that is mistrustful, controlling, and fearful. The villain acts aggressively, attacking and hurting others and taking what they want. Many of these behaviors center on control. When we experience someone controlling us, we quickly cast them as the villain in our conflict story.

In fact, the behaviors of the villain are similar to those of the hero, distinguished only by how we judge them. Internationally, the same acts of violence we condemn as terrorism are seen by other ideologies as the selfless acts of freedom fighters. Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator character was listed by the American Film Institute as one of the top 100 villains of all time for his role in “The Terminator” and also as one of the top 100 heroes for his appearance in “Terminator 2: Judgment Day.” It all depends whose side you’re on.

In our conflict stories, we judge the villain’s cause to be wrong or unworthy and accordingly judge their actions to be evil. Yet looking strictly at behavior, a villain is simply a misunderstood hero. Even people who act inappropriately or antisocially have their story, in which they see themselves as victims and justify their actions as “evening the score.” One person’s justice is another’s revenge.

For the bad rap the villain role receives, it does embody positive qualities. The villain usually is patient. Myths and fantasy tales (such as The Lord of the Rings) are filled with stories of evil forces that lurk for a thousand years, awaiting the opportunity to re-emerge and seek revenge. Lord Voldemort in the Harry Potter series is another notable example of perseverance, albeit for an evil purpose. The villain also represents creativity and ingenuity, though we probably would call these traits manipulative or sneaky. The key to resolving conflict collaboratively is to apply our patience and creativity to solving the problem, not to exacting revenge on the other person.

Beyond the drama triangle

Every search for a hero begins with a villain.

— “Mission Impossible 2”

All three types of characters in our conflict stories require each other in order to exist — they form a “drama triangle.” We cannot see our– selves as a victim without casting the other pers...